DEEP SPACE 6
DEEP SPACE 66
DEEP SPACE 666
Come for a visit stay to get drunk.
Iwol looks at the cargo containers.
Iwol: Hmmm... 20 liters of impulse engine fuel specially designed for Oberth class
starships. Warning use any other ship will cause a cool explosion. Best if used before
One class VI life support unit. Thank god.
Iwol Opens the container and finds only a PADD
Iwol: IOU one life support unit -Starfleet. Figures.
Almost afraid to look he checks the next container
Iwol: One commander. Some assembly required, batteries not included. This almost looks
SPOCK ICE ON TAP!
Iwol: Lore, we need some crew members and some kind of ship if you can
Lore: Do I look like a magician?
Iwol: Well maybe if you take off that ridiculous cape.....
Lore: That's not my point.
Suddenly several dozen Jem- Hedar Beam into the cargo bay.
Lore opens the box labeled 'android's stuff- do not touch' and pulls out a very large gun.
He rapidly shoots half of them. The Jem- Hedar expand rapidly and pop, spewing blood
everywhere. Then Lore takes a bat'leth and hacks them all into liquid form. He then lifts
one of his fingernails up and fiddles with some controls. He is beamed away.
Lore(over intercom): I'll be back in a few hours
A few hours later....
Lore beams into ops with 3 officers, one Klingon and two humans
Lore: I traded in the dominion ship for these three officers and 400 expendables. Well,
actually 450 but some of them ticked off Korn, and this one guy kept looking at me....
Iwol: Just introduce them.
Lore:[gesturing to the Klingon] This is
Korn: I am Korn, son of Krap
Iwol: I know of your house, they make excellent... er... honorable fertilizer.
Lore:[gesturing to the odd looking human] this is Quin Xavier
Lore:[gesturing to the wussy guy and giggling] This is Anal Ram, an expert proctologist.
Anal: It's Ahnel K Rahm, you blithering idiot and I'm not a proctologist!
Korn: He has wronged you! I will fight him!
Korn bangs his Klingon skull into Lore's with a loud klang sound.
Korn: Ohh....it is not honorab....[passes out]
Quin: Not again!
Lore, not about to let this opportunity slip by, makes his way over to the communications
console and makes an announcement to the entire station.
Lore: Anal Ram, report to ops. Medical emergency. Repeat; we need an Anal Ram in......
Anal: Shut up, you uncouth jerk! I told you it's Ah-Nel Rh-Am and I'm already here!
Lore: Oh no! I'm uncouth! Oh what a shameful person I am. Oh how uncouth am I....
Iwol: Stop it, both of you.
Anal: He started it.
Iwol: I don't care who started it, just treat Korn
Iwol: <so, this is my crew. Damn.>
After Korn is treated, the crew take their stations at ops.
Quin: Sir! I am detecting a rip in the space- time continuum.
Quin: 65km to port, sir.
Lore: Okay, I thought we needed a wormhole so I tried to create one.
Quin: Sir, something is emerging.
Korn: I recommend we kill it.
Iwol: We don't even know if it's alive yet, Korn.
Korn: I know
Lore: It's a federation starship, registry NCC-1701-A USS Enterprise
Korn: They are hailing us, should I open fire, captain.
Iwol: We don't have any weapons, just a cheap tractor beam.
Korn: I know
Iwol: On screen
Iwol: Where is Kirk?
Spock: He's scoring with this chick we got drunk and...... er... I mean he's asleep.
Sulu can be seen running around in his underwear, covered with vegetable oil, and waving
a pointy sword around.
Sulu: ON GUARD!
Iwol: What's going on?
Spock: We're having a party. My award- winning booze is being served too I might add.
Lore hits some controls and beams away. A few moments later he comes back dressed in a
Lore: Come on, Anal. PARTY! PARTY!
Spock[raising eyebrow] Anal?
Anal: It's pronounced Ah-Nel, damnit!
Iwol: We could use something to do. Beam on down.
Spock: Thank you captain.
Korn: It is not honorable.
Korn: Nothing, but I havn't had any lines for a while and that sounded Klingon.
Sulu's Intimate apparel grand opening sale!
Great deals on spandex, leather, barb- wire, silk, grass, metal, and plastic underwear! Free
bottle of vegetable oil and pointy sword free with purchase!
During the commercial you missed 12 babes with their tops off. (have
to keep the PG-13
rating so impressionable children can read this)
Iwol: Spock, this brew is great! What's in it anyway?
Spock: duibutofficermaybyouwouldliketokeepthebottleforevidence. Or, as most races call
it, Vulcan alcohol.
Iwol: What's it called?
Spock: Spock's duibutofficermaybyouwouldliketokeepthebottleforevidence
Iwol: If we market it, we will need to change the name to something like....... SPOCK ICE
Spock: I like it!
Iwol: We could brew it here at the station. All we need to do is convert the ore processing
center and find some Bajoran slaves. Then I can afford to repair the Intrepid.
Kirk: Perhaps I can help you with that. My engineer is very skilled.
Iwol: Thanks, but what I need is equipment.
Kirk: Ever hear of Kirk's theory
Iwol: You mean the one that states; Any engineering task, nomatter how impossible can
be completed in less than five minutes by a drunken Scottish engineer.
Kirk: That's it.
Scotty walks by and hand Iwol a sheet of paper.
Scotty: Here's your copy.
Iwol studies the paper for a while, bewildered at what he is looking at.
Kirk: It's a photocopy of his butt.
Iwol crumples up the paper and incinerates it with his phaser.
Scotty(to Lore): Here's your copy.
Lore: Thank you, my good man.<Studies image for a moment> ha ha ha ha ha Hey, Anal
here's some anatomy for you to study.
Anal: It's Ah-Nel
The Enterprise- A approaches the planet Fornicatia Iwol and Scotty beam
down to the
Iwol: Status, number 2.
Billy: Why don't you call me number 1 like Picard calls Riker?
Iwol: It's not my fault thtat Picard can't count.
Billy: Speaking of Pic-card(any card) The Enterprise- E has been snooping around.
Iwol: Iwol to Enterprise:
Kirk: Kirk here.
Iwol: Picard's around here somewhere.
Kirk: I'll go kick his ass.
Iwol: Iwol to engineering; how long until we get the ship running.
Scotty: It's quite a job, captain. ye canna change the laws of physics. Ten years at the
Iwol: You have 5 minutes.
On a pleasure planet 'Locked in transporter for years Scotty' hears
of a Space Station that
will soon be brewing Spock's duibutofficermaybyouwouldliketokeepthebottleforevidence
Unfortunatly, he sold the shuttle Pic-card(any card) gave him for a shipment of scotch. He
HAD to find some way to get there, only one thing came to mind. Scotty sighed and
grabbed his G- string, pointy sword, and vegtable oil.
3 minutes later...
Scotty: I think I've got it fixed, cap'n
Iwol: Ensign, take us out.
Suddenly a plasma conduit explodes, killing Billy for no other reason than we need to get
on with the damn story.
Iwol: Oh well...
Kirk beams onto the bridge of the Enterprise E and faces Pic-card(any
Kirk phasers Pic-card(any card) to death
Riker: You killed my lover! You bastard! <he pulls a phaser on Kirk>
Data walks to the replicator and gets a bowl of fruit. He takes it to Riker
Data:<smirking> Fruit, sir? A banana perhaps?
Riker: Why thank you..... HEY!
Riker turns the phaser on Data. Data shoves him away. (Perhaps a bit too hard since Riker
splatters all over the wall)
Data: Oops, sorry.
Kirk: Hey, counsellor. Nice. Do you want to come with me, counselor chest?
Troi: I sense.... attraction. Okay
Data: Perhaps I can become part of your crew, sir. My career is over now.
Kirk: I already have a fine crew, but I know someone who needs a security officer......
The Intrepid and Enterprise warp back to Deep Space 666.
Iwol steps out of the airlock and is greeted by Korn
Korn: We're down to 234 [a scream is heard in the background, Lore shouts Yee- Haw!]
233 expendable crewman
Iwol: That's what I get for leaving Lore in charge.
Iwol walks around the corner to see Lore holding a rope lassoed around a young female
Lore: Yeah, baby fight me, yeah I like it Oh yes!
Lore sees Iwol and lets go of the rope, letting the young woman escape.
Iwol: Lore, I hate reading all those rape reports.
Iwol: Have you found me a new first officer for the Intrepid yet?
Lore: Yes, his name is Booke. I hear my brother is going to be our chief of security.
Iwol: Yes, and also I hae brought the Intrepid's councelor.
Lore: Is she hot?
Iwol: See for yourself. Korn, the bucket.
Korn hands Iwol a bucket full of korn.... er corn and Iwol shakes it a bit. A snort is heard
down the corridor, then a tromping sound. A large white cow comes around he corner and
burries her face in the korn.... er corn.
Iwol: hello, Butthead
Lore: Snort? I thought cows said moo.
Iwol: Well, she snorts.
Lore: could I be alone with the councelor?
Iwol and Corn.... er Korn leave
Lore: I've been kind of angry lately, it's like I want to kill everyone but then they'll all be
Lore: That's it, I'll mutilate them and make it last! Thanks, Butthead!
Korn walks through a secluded part of the station and gets the feeling
he is being
followed. Then he hears a plop somewhere. He draws his his klingon k'nife.
Korn: Show yourself!
Butthead rounds the corner.
Korn: Oh, it's you[puts k'nife away]
Butthead licks Korn a bit.
Korn: Hey, wait I'm Korn, not corn. Stop it. Now!! NO! NOOOOOO!
Thus ends the first episode of a story too hot for your TV.