Episode 10:
The Naked Q

Setting: Uhh, Hmm... I don't really know what you would call it.
Director: Think of something!
Writer:   Setting: ...The Nexus of all Reality. Well, what's left of it. Last episode, reality as we know it ceased to exist when a massive rupture in the space\time continuum caused a shock wave of inconceivable magnitude to cascade across not only this universe and timeline, but all dimensions and all possible timelines, thus destroying every thing that ever was, is, or will be. Th-
Director: Enough already!
Writer: Damn! Now I'll never get that Oscar.

Q: I knew we should have eradicated your self destructive little species!
Booke: But I thought you always showed an inherent interest in humanity.
Q: Oh shut up!
Iwol: Q! You had something to do with this, didn't you?!!
Q: No, actually you did this.
Iwol: No! I'm talking about Satan and Scotty in the same jeffries tube!!
Scotty: Q had nae a thing to do with it, Capn.
Satan: Aye.
Q: That is rather perplexing. Even the Q know of no way this is possible.
Butthead: Snort.
Beefy: Good point.
Data: Yes, but how would-
Quin: How can you people talk about this?!!... Well, I can understand how you can. I mean it is puzzling... Interesting even... You could say its even kind of kinky in an erotic sense-  But that's not the point! Everything is gone! All that we knew or would have known-
Q(smiling): Not everything.
Iwol: What do you mean?
Q: Although 8 Q have died, the Q continuum and most of the Q still exist.
Anal: Then there's still hope!
Lore: To kill some more!!!
Q: I don't think so.
Beefy: What? You won't help us, you're just going to leave us floating around in this, this, whatever this is!?
Iwol:  Why  would you spare us?..... Are you going to make us Q?!!
Q: HELL NO!!!!
Iwol: Damn it.
Beefy: Then why aren't you going to fix everything?
Q: Well, for one thing, "fixing" everything is not as easy as it seems. What we are dealing with is a temporal paradox the likes of which you humans can not comprehend!
Data: Excuse me sir, but there are more than just humans here. This crew contains 2 androids, and one-
Data: -very irritable klingon.
Korn desperately try's to attack Q. His attempts are futile.
Iwol puts his hand over his face and begins to shake his head.
Iwol: Uhh, Korn...You can't run when there's no ground to run on.
Korn stops flailing.
Korn: (dejectedly) Oh.
Q: As I was saying, its not that simple.  Secondly, my wife was one of the eight Q who were killed and I'm not too eager to bring her back.
Iwol: You have a wife?
Booke: And boy is she bitchy!!!
Q: Silence!! Wait a second, you're right. Uhh... Proceed.
Booke: I summed her up nicely.
Iwol: Q, you've got to help us!
Q: First of all Captain, I don't have to do anything... But, I think I will help you.
Everyone except Butthead and the Acid Calf: What?!
Butthead: Snort?
Acid Calf: Hisss?
Q: You heard me correctly.
Iwol: What's the catch?
Q: All in good time, Captain.    For now, lets just say you owe me....  ALLOT.
Iwol: Fine. Now, fix everything!
Q: You humans, always talking, never listening! I already told you it's not that simple.
Iwol: Then what do we do?
Q: First, we have to take a little trip.
Iwol: Where?
Q smiles and then snaps his fingers and everyone disappears.
Disembodied Q: Ha ha ha ha ha!

The crew awakens in the middle of a blacktop road. On either side of the road are corn and
wheat fields as far as the eye can see.
Iwol: Where are we?
Data: It appears to be 19 to 20th century earth. Mid to late summer.
Beefy: Somewhere deep in farm country.
Booke:  Hicksville, USA... Or so you would think.
Iwol: What do you mean?
Booke: This is the Q continuum.
Everyone except Booke, Q, Butthead, and the Acid Calf begin laughing.
Butthead: MOOO!!!
Acid Calf: HIISSSSS!!!!
Q: Stop that! Hey! Come on, Stop it!! What you see isn't always what you get!
Xavier: You mean, this is all some kind of twisted metaphor?
Q: Uhh.... Yes, that's it.
Booke: But that's not what-
Q: Shut up!
Iwol: So what's the blacktop for?
Q: Uhh, this symbolizes time.  The Q follow this road to anywhere in the universe.
Iwol: And the corn?
Korn: I symbolize the crew's honorable but violent side that resides with in us all, yet remains dormant for most of us, content to-
Lore: Like hell are you are!! I'm the violent one!!!
Korn: You have no honor!!!
Lore: True...But its the principle! I'll kill you!!!
Iwol: No! I meant the Corn! In the fields!!
Korn: Where? I will kill him!
Lore: Not if I get to him first!!
Xenia: Oooh!
Iwol: NO! Damn it!! That's not what I meant!
Xavier: And what does the wheat symbolize?!
Q:....Uh, Your primitive minds can not comprehend such mysteries!!!
Booke, unable to contain his laughter anymore, begins laughing uncontrollably.
Q: Stop that!
Q snaps his fingers and Booke begins convulsing violently.
Booke: OWWW!!!! Okay, okay!!!!!
Iwol: Where are all the other Q? And why are we here?
Q: All in good time Captain, all in good time.
Iwol: What?
Q: Just follow the damn road, okay?

Iwol, Booke, Beefy, Korn, Quin, Scotty, Butthead, the Acid Calf,  Anal, Xenia, and Satan follow Q down the seemingly endless highway.

Much Later:
Booke: Are we there yet?
Q: Yes.
Booke: WoW! That's the first time that's ever happened.
Iwol: Q, this looks like the same damn place we were ten minutes ago!
Q: With one important difference. Look over there.
Off in the distance, there is an old, run down shack.
Iwol: A farmhouse?!!?! What the HELL!!!! We walked all this fuc-
Q: Do you want my help or not?
Iwol: Fine.
The crew begins walking toward the farmhouse.
Xenia: Why can't you just teleport us there?
Q: I have all the time in the world.
Quin: Speaking of time, if this road represents time, shouldn't it be all torn up? Because if time-
Q: Shut up! I told you earlier. Your feeble minds can not fathom the mysteries of the universe! So don't ask again!!

A few minutes later, the crew reaches the "farmhouse." A man is playing a pinball machine while two others are throwing darts at a scarecrow with a starfleet uniform on. A woman is sitting in a chair sipping something that appears to be lemonade. Another man sits on the ground, leaning up against the house, while chewing on a straw.
Q approaches them.
Q: Hello Q.
Q: Hey Q.
Q: Hi Q.
Q: Greetings Q.
Q: Hey Q.
Q: What took you so long Q?
Q: I wanted to take the scenic route.
Q: Oh.
Suddenly the Q chewing the straw sees Booke. He gasps and nearly swallows the straw. He spits it out on the ground.
The straw suddenly changes form and becomes another Q.
Q: That's it! You're the straw next time! (sees Booke) AAHHH!!!! Q, why did you bring him back!!?
Q: I assure you it was necessary.
Q: You're shure?
Q: Yes. As much as I hate to admit it, we need him. He is a vital part of the equation.
Iwol: Equation?
Q: Yes, I suppose you're right.
Q: Damn equation.
Iwol: What the hell's going on here!? And what's this about an equation?!!?!?
Suddenly the scarecrow lifts its head.
Scarecrow: Can't a Q contemplate his existence in peace?
Booke: I remember that.
The Q begin to laugh.
Booke: Hey! That wasn't funny!
Iwol: What are you talking about!?
Q: You see Captain, being immortal and existing as long as we have gets kind of boring from time to time. Sometimes, one of us becomes the scarecrow.
One of the Q throws a dart. It hits the scarecrow Q in the chest.
Q: Well, one of the least painful punishments that we put Q, er Booke through was making him the Scarecrow. We then filled him up with corn instead of straw, hung him out in the cornfield and let the raVen's and crows have their way with him.
Everyone except Booke, Butthead and the Acid Calf laugh their asses off.
Acid Calf: HISS!!HISSSSS!!!
Butthead: MOOOO!!!Snort!!
Booke: Hey, come on guys. It wasn't that funny.
Quin: So what do the raVens and crows represent?
The Qs suddenly stop laughing. They stare at Quin.
Q: They ask to many questions!
Q: They ask of what they must never know!!
Q: Take them away.
Q: Leave!
Q: What did I tell you? Huh? ...Humans!! Come on, lets go.
Quin: Sorry.
Q: Curiosity killed the Quin.

Q walks over to the door of the shack.
Q: Come on, lets go.
Iwol: What?
Q: Get inside.
Q opens the door. Everyone looks in. Instead of seeing the interior of a run down old farmhouse, they see what appears to be an alley, leading up to a street. Across the street there are several buildings.
Iwol: My god!
Q: Just get in.
Q, Iwol and the rest of the crew step inside, or rather outside, or maybe its through, well, whatever.
Iwol: Where are we now?
Data: It appears to be a city in the late 20th century. Minus the large amounts of traffic.
They walk out of the alley up to the street.
Quin: So what do all the-
Q: Don't even THINK of asking!! ....There, that is what we seek.
Iwol: That huge skyscraper?
Q: No, that.
Q points to a run down apartment building next to the skyscraper..
Iwol: That? Uhh.....Okay.
Q: Lets go.

As they walk up to the building, a homeless guy with a wine bottle in a paper bag stares at Butthead.
Homelessguy: (licking his lips) Hey Baby!
Butthead: Snort!
Butthead kicks him, knocking him back several feet.
Q: Q! Show a little self control!!
Homeless guy, er Q: Oh, hi Q. Sorry man, I couldn't help myself.
Butthead: SNORT!
Booke: Hey! I am not-
Iwol: Can we hurry up?
Q: Come on.
Everyone walks into what appears to be the lobby.
As they enter a man shouts: Hey! Somethin's wrong with the crapper!!!
Another man appears from behind what appears to be the front desk.
Manbehindthedesk:  I don't give a rat's ass! I've got other pipes to beat!! So Shut yer hole!!!
The man sees Q, Iwol, and the rest of the crew.
Manbehindthedesk: SHIT!! Yer here already!!!
The man snaps his fingers and disappears.
Other man: What? I told you! I can't Shit until ya fix the hole!!(He sees Q, Iwol, and everyone else) Oh!... Pardon me.
The man snaps his fingers and disappears.

Q: (to Quin) Don't even think about asking about that one!

Suddenly, several Q and a Cat appear.
Q: Hello Q.
Q: Hello Q.
Q: Hey Q.
Q: Hi Q.
Q: Greetings Q.
Q: Right back at ya Q.
Q: Salutations Q.
Q: Hello Q.
Q: Hi Q.
Q: Q, how've you been?
Q: Just fine, thanx Q.
Q: Hey, Q. Long time no see.
Q: Hi Q.
Q: Hola Q.
Q: Hey Q.
Q: Bonjourno Q!
Q: Hey Q.
Q: Q, Good to see you again!
Q: You too Q.
Q: Hi Q.
Q: Hey Q.
Cat: Hello Q.
Q: Hello Q.
Cat, er Q: Hello Q.
Booke: Hello Q.
Iwol: What?!
Q(cat): What is it Captain Chuckup? Is something wrong?
Iwol: You can talk?
Butthead: Snort!
Acid Calf: Hisss!
Satan: Hey!
Iwol: Sorry. You too Satan.
Satan: Apology accepted Capn'.
Q: Allow me to explain, Captain. You see, when Q, er, Booke was....(shudders) absorbed into the continuum. He was normal for a while.
Iwol: Yeah, I know this part. He was normal untill your mental barriers broke down and then he was, well,... Booke again and it affected the whole continuum. Blah, blah, blah, Booke was severely punished and you had your powers taken away for a short time.
Q: How can you speak of this horrable, horrable, tragety so lightly?!!
Q: He does not realize!
Q: Perhaps we should make him understand!!
Q: Yes!
Q: Make him!
Q: Make him PAY!
Q: Make them all suffer!!
Q: Kill them! Kill them all!!!
Q(cat): Now, now, lets not be too hasty. I know we're all still recovering, but there's no need for -
Q: Will you just let me finish?!!?.... As I was saying just before the barriers broke down, he made his cat a Q. This seems like the most ridiculous thing he could have done. However, this was actually good for the continuum. We absorbed some of the cat's instincts and-(A humanoid Q is on his hands and knees rubbing up against Q's leg. Q kicks him.) STOP THAT!!!
Q: rrrraaeerr!!!-uhh,... Sorry.
Q: Well, as I was saying, we have gained immensly from the addition of Q... Except for that case of omnipotent fleas a while back.
All of the Qs stare at Q(cat).
Q(cat): (lowers his head) I'm still really sorry about that, guys.
Iwol: Uhh, excuse me. But when the hell are we going to do something to fix the universe!??!!
Q: He does not comprehend the situation.
Q: He knows nothing of the equation!!
Iwol: Of course I don't know anything about your DAMNED EQUATION!! You won't tell me anything!!!!
Q: That's right, and you just keep it that way!
Q: Yeah, the big picture ain't a porno, pal!!!
Iwol: What?
Q: Don't you see, Captain? We are fixing it.
Iwol: What?
Q: Right now, all of us, we're fixing it as we speek.
Iwol: Huh?
Beefy: Oh, I know what you mean.
Q: No you don't.
Beefy: (dejectedly) I know.... I just wanted to look like a big man.
Booke: I get it!
Q: Of course you do. You were once one of us! Your mind was expanded beyond the capacity of any of these primitive humans. You know all the secrets of the universe!!!!
Booke: Yeah, like what William Shatner's toupe is made of!
Iwol: Who's William Shatner?
Booke: How the hell should I know?!
Q: Make it stop! Make it STOP!!!!
Q: Calm down, everythings going to be all right.
Q: Yeah,... you're, you're right.... I think I'll go take a bath now.
Q walks over to a dark corner of the lobby and begins licking himself.
Q: Stop that!
Q: I, I'm sorry. I just need to get away from Booke!
Q(cat): I'll go comfort him.
The cat walks over to Q and puts a paw on his shoulder.
Q(cat): Now, now, we've all felt like licking ourselves in public from time to time,  but its just not proper.
Q: But Q! Its a natrual bodily function!
Q(cat): You're just nervous from seeing Booke again.
Iwol: Uhh, I don't think I want to hear the rest of this conversation.
Q: No, you don't.  Neither do I. Lets begin the second part of our trip, shall we?
Iwol: But when are we gonna f-
Q snaps his fingers and everyone dissappears.

Q, Iwol, and the rest of the crew appear on bridge of the Intrepid.
Iwol: -ix the uni-....Q! You did it!!! You did it!!!! You fixed it!!!!!
Q: No.
Iwol: What?
Anal: You mean the universe isn't fixed yet?
Q: Nope. This just an exact replica of the intrepid.
Quin: What does the Intrepi-
Q: Shut up! We're not in the Continuum anymore!
Quin: Oh, sorry.
Beefy: Where are we then?
Q: Nowhere.
Beefy: What?
Q: You are exactly where you were when we started our journey except now you're on a replica of the Intrepid. Take a look.
Q snaps his fingers and the main viewscreen activates. Instead of showing the familiar backdrop of space we see, well, nothing. Just a strange white light.
Iwol: But Q, why bring us to an exact duplicate of the Intrepid?
Q: I'll tell you why. We are here to visit Q's, uh, er,Booke's quarters!
Booke: No Q!! Please!!!!
Everyone looks at Booke.
Booke: Uhh, I mean. Shure, go right ahead. But what do my average and fairly modest lodgings have to do with fixing the universe?
Q: Oh, they have EVERYTHING to do with fixing the universe.
Quin: Q, why do you call Booke Q?
Q: Shut up! You may call him Booke but his true title shall forever remain Q! And stop asking questions!!!!
Quin: Sorry!
Iwol: But how is this fixing the universe?
Q: Nevermind Captain. You're feeble minds can not comprehend it.
Butthead walks up to Q.
Butthead: (whispering into Q's ear) snort. SNort mOo.
Q: .....How, how could you know??!!?
Butthead: Snort.
Q: Oh.
Lore: Hey.....Why are your eyes glowing like that, Butthead?
Iwol: Yeah?
Butthead: Snort.
Iwol: You can do that?
Q: Oh, no ya don't!
Q snaps his fingers and Butthead's eyes stop glowing.
Q: No more messing around!!!! Lets go to Booke's quarters.
Iwol: How in the HELL much longer is it gonna be before we're finished and the unverse is back to normal?!!!!!
Q: It may take years....Lifetimes even.
Everyone except Booke, Q, Butthead, and the Acid Calf: WHAT????!!!!
Acid: HSSSS!!
Butthead: SNORT!!!!!
Booke: Well, duh.
Q: Don't worry, since time nolonger exists, none of you will age.
Iwol: Oh, I guess that's all right, as long as we get Spock Ice breaks.
Q: Sorry, that doesn't exist anymore either.
Scotty: NOOOO!!!!!!!! Och, Captain! I cannae go on!!!!
Iwol: Calm down Scotty! We all have to be brave!
Scotty: ...Yer right capn'... I guess.
Iwol: Q, why is this going to take so long? I thought the Q were omnipotent?
Q: Don't insult me! How would you like to find out how long it would take you to fix time without my help? The Q are not gods! We can't just snap our fingers and make the universe appear!!!
Lore: Why? You do everything else.
Q: Oh, shut up! This is a very, very, very, complex and delicate procedure.  One wrong move and the universe won't ever return to normal!! However, if we do things right, and take our time, we can make the universe better than it ever was!!!!
Iwol: Make it better?
Q: Yes. Far better than you could ever imagine!!  I'll explain on the way to Q's quarters. But remember, to do all this, you have to do exactly as I say.
Data: But wouldn't it have been easier just to reproduce Booke's quarters instead of an exact replica of the entire ship?
Q: You'll never understand. Now come on.
Scotty: (to himself) Hmm... Exact replica.....
Scotty: Uhh, Captain.
Iwol: Yes Scotty?
Scotty: I'll stay on the bridge. If that's allright with Q.... I, I need some time to myself.
Booke: Eww!
Iwol: Damn it Scotty! The holodeck  is on deck-
Scotty: Och Capn'! That's not what I meant. I, I need time to mourn.... To mourn the loss of a friend.
Iwol: I understand.
Scotty: Me poor Spock Ice....(begins to cry)
Iwol: What do you say, Q?
Q:.....Fine. I suppose it wouldn't do any harm.

Everyone except Scotty leaves for Booke's Quarters.

Minutes later, the crew arrives just outside of Booke's Quarters.
Q: And so that's what will happen if we do things right.
Beefy: A paradise!
Quin: Huge advances in technology, temporal mechanics, warp theory.
Satan: Spock Ice that tastes ten times better.
Lore: Plenty of things to kill.
Iwol: Naked women serving our every need.
Booke: No pandas.

Q: Allright, we're here. Brace yourselves, this is not a pretty site.
Q opens the door.
Iwol: My god!
Lore: This isn't at all what I expected.
Anal: This is odd. Usually the way someone decorates their quarters is a gateway into their psyche. These look like completely normal quarters.
Q: Q, turn off the holoemmiters!
Booke: NO!!
Q: Fine, then. I'll do it..
Q snaps his fingers.
Booke: NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
As Q snaps his fingers, the holo emmiters deactivate, revealing the true appearance of Booke's quarters.
Iwol: My...GOD!!!!
Lore: Whoa! Booke, remind me to come party with you sometime!
Xenia: OoOh!!
Data: Intriguing.
Butthead: Moo?
Acid: HHSsssss.
Quin stands motionless, obviously shocked at the sight before him.
Korn:....Is it honorable?
Beefy: Ohh...I think I'm gonna be sick.(begins gaging, nearly puking.)
Satan: Me haggis, its coming up! (begins to gag.)
Anal starts to runs down the corridor.
Q: Get back here!
Q snaps his fingers and Anal reappears next to him.
Q: Stop messing around!!Now follow my instructions carefully! Allthough Its going to take a long time to fix everything and this isn't the only place that we will go to, one false move could crush all hope of ever recreating the universe!!!!

Meanwhile on the bridge:
Scotty: Ahh. Alone at last.
Scotty moves over to one of the consoles and opens a panel. Inside part of the console is a box.
Scotty: Ahh. I knew you'd be here!
Scotty opens the box. Inside lies a bottle of Spock Ice.
Scotty: Yer the last one in existence, lassie. I'd better make you last. I promise I'll cherish you as long as possible.
Scotty opens the bottle and guzzles it down.
Scotty: Ahhh...
Scotty lets out a huge belch.
He then sets empty bottle down on the console.
Suddenly the entire Intrepid begins to violently shake.

Back in Booke's quarters:
Beefy: Ohh! My stomach doesn't need this right now!
Booke: We're all gonna die! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
Quin: Really? Ya think so??!!
Iwol: What the Hell?! Q! What's going on??!!?
Q: I don't know! We haven't did anything wrong yet!!....SCOTTY!!!! That bloated scottish engineer of yours must have royally fucked up our only hope of ever-
Q's voice becomes inaudible over the roar of a massive surge of energy released from the Intrepid. The sound of the energy grows louder and louder. The Intrepid is nearly ripped apart. The hulls begin to buckle. A blinding light fills the Intrepid....

Suddenly....It all stops.

Iwol: Ohh....What just happened?
Q: I, I don't know, Captain.... I don't know. But I have a feeling we can find out on the bridge.
Iwol: Lets go.
Iwol walks toward the door, but steps in something.
Iwol: What the hell?
Satan: Och...Sorry..oh...Capn'. Me haggis didn't sit well fer the ride.
Iwol: Uhh, why don't you just teleport us there?
Q: Good Idea.
Q snaps his fingers and everyone dissappears.

Q and the crew appear on the bridge of the Intrepid. To their amazment, the viewscreen shows the normal backdrop of space. A nebula is in the background.
Q: This is...IMPOSSIBLE!
Booke: How can this be?
Iwol: Scotty! What did you do?
Iwol picks up the bottle of Spock Ice off the console.
Booke: Well, what do you know.
On the console next to the "Party" button and in between the "Baywatch" button and the "BIG HURT" button right where the bottle of Spock Ice was sitting  is a button that says "Create/Fix Universe".
Scotty: Thats why they call me The Miracle Worker.

Iwol: This is pretty fucked up right here.

The End?
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