The dramatic theme music plays as we
look at the outside of the station. The camera zooms into one of
the windows and we see the interior- on the promenade. A
pristine white dove flies through the air and the camera follows
it. The dove flies over the bustling crowd shopping, talking,
laughing crowds and into Quark's bar, patrons ooh and awe as the bird
gracefully flies over them to the overly dramatic theme music.
Then suddenly we hear a whistling, see feathers fly. The bird is
gone and the music stops.
The camera switches scenes to the dove impaled against the wall with a
large k'nife. Korn pulls it from the wall, sniffs it, and
takes a bite.
Iwol and Billy are sitting at the bar.
Iwol: So then she trips and ends up bent over the wilderbeast and....
what the hell..
A half naked girl... with cat ears... and a tail is dancing on the bar.
Billy: What the hell is that... is it a... cat... with boobs?
Iwol: A..... oh no.
Iwol: Something from 21st century earth. A catgirl.
Billy: A *WHAT* ?
Iwol: Catgirls. From during one of the darker periods in
Earth history, nerds used to watch animated movies with giant
robots, 12 year old girls, and catgirls.
Billy: Why catgirls?
Iwol: It was a way for furries to get their jollies without actually
acknowledging the whole bestiality thing.
Iwol: Quark! ....
Quark pops up from behind the bar.
Quark: Not so loud!
Iwol: Quark, why are there catgirls on your bar?
Quark: Catgirls? In MY bar?
Billy: It's more likely than you think...
Iwol: Right there, dancing on the bar.... why are those things there?
Quark: OH! THOSE
Quark: Those gentlemen over there gave me the program and had me run
it... for a substantial fee of course.
Iwol and Billy look and see two... humanoids. One dressed a in a
plush dog costume and another in a rabbit suit.
Iwol: My.... god...
Billy: Are those...
Iwol pulls out his phaser and puts it on the maximum setting.
Iwol hears a buzzing sound behind him, as he starts to turn around arms
go around him and someone nips at his neck.
Iwol: Ahh!... oh.. dammit it's you.
Intrepid: Well that's not a very warm reaction... say is that a phaser
in your hand or are you just happy..
Iwol: It's a phaser. We have a furry situation.
The furries look up and notice the Starfleet Officers with phasers
drawn. They get up and start walking away.
Iwol and Billy start making their way through the crowd.
Billy: get rid of the damned cat girls, Quark!
Quark: But what about the entertainment?
The furries start running and shoving people out of their way, they run
out into the promenade with our heroes in hot pursuit.
Ensign expendable is walking down the promenade when he sees them.
Ensign expendable: What the hell..ahhhhhhrhrhhahh
He is vaporized.
Iwol: Damnit, I missed him!
On an unnamed planet, a Packled
stands scratching himself.
Chronicled: I am smart.
Suddenly, Intrepid comes riding in on a Velociraptor. She pulls a
light saber from in between her ample bouncing breasts. She
the packled and the velociraptor begins eating the body. A
penguin pops up from her cleavage and hands her a bottle of spock ice
which she tilts her head back and chugs.
Iwol: Holy shit! This is Awesome!!!
Spock Ice AWESOME
Later at Quark's ..
Intrepid is dancing half-naked on the bar. Korn And Lore are over
by the dartboard. Against the wall is an expendable crewman
sitting on a chair with a glass of Spock Ice balanced on his
head. He looks very shook up.
Korn: O...kay.. there is no way you make this again.
Korn staggers a bit, clearly intoxicated. Lore balances a
knife on his finger.
Lore: Oh really?
Korn: Ya really!
Lore takes the knife in his hand and throws it hard, it goes
right through the expendable crewman's forehead, killing him.
Korn: Damn you!
Korn walks over to the dead crewman, picks up the glass, and drinks it.
Anal is watching, clearly appalled.
Anal: That isn't how that game is played!
Korn: It is how WE play it!
Lore: Yeah! Go roto-root someone, bottom boy!
Anal: Now, listen here you twit! I..
Iwol and Billy enter the bar.
Lore: Captain! Did they die painfully?
Iwol: I got one of them, Billy winged the other one.
Korn: He did not die?
Billy: He ran into a cargo bay... the one in pylon 6, level 8.
Lore perks up and smiles.
Lore: The VOLES!
Korn: It is MOST HONORABLE!
Iwol sees Intrepid dancing.
Iwol: What are you doing?
Intrepid: Well, you guys didn't want cat girls. So someone has to
She shakes her breasts.
Iwol: No! Damnit, you are not just some dark haired green eyed slut!
Intrepid stops and sulks for a bit. Then she perks up
slightly. Her hair turns blond and her eyes brown. She
begins dancing seductively again. Iwol sits down and puts his
head in hands.
Anal: Well.. at least she keeps good rhythm.
Everyone stares at Anal.
Anal: What? Do none of you appreciate the finer arts?
Lore: butt boy....
Quin Xavier enters the bar with a look of duty about him.
Quin: Alright, everyone on standby duty, no more drinking!
The entire bar goes quiet.
Quin: Well.. um... I mean... just in moderation.
Korn: Quark! Bottle!
Quark hands Korn a spock ice bottle. He chugs the entire thing in
a few moments, then smashes the bottom off and holds it up while
looking menacingly at Quin.
Quin: Don't try me...
Iwol: For god sakes, what is it now? Q fleas eating the
galaxy? A race of space retards in a plot to kill us? A
twisted tale of time travel, incest, and panda bears? WHAT?
Quin: Um... no actually... just some rumors of Borg activity.
Quin: Yes, sir I'm afraid so.
Iwol: *Phew* thank god.
Iwol: Normal bad guys. For once, normal bad guys
Billy: I hear that.
Anal: Sir, are you mad? The borg are perhaps the biggest threat
to... erm... oh.. right. Never mind.
Lore: easy killin's
Quin: Well we still haven't met up with Butthead...
Iwol: She's on leave...
Intrepid stops dancing and hops down from the bar, her breasts jiggle a
Intrepid: Sir, based on current astronomical phenomenon, cross
referenced against the oddities we have encountered over the past few
years and various prophecies and historical accounts, I would estimate
86.5323% probability that a universe-shaping event...
Iwol: NO! NO! NO! We are NOT doing that this episode.
Iwol: NO, I just want to kill some borg, maybe loose most of the
Iwol: yeah...or all the expendables... just a nice clean episode with
no more of this universe meaning of life panda bear bullshit.
That is NOT what I signed up for.
Korn: I signed up... mainly to kill people.
Lore: I signed up to rape and pillage!
Anal: Yeah right in the pooper huh!
Everyone looks at Anal..
Anal: yeah.... butt boy!
Billy: Anal... seriously... just.. go treat someone's hemorrhoids
or something. Get it out of your system.
Anal: My name is AHnel. And what do you mean?
Quin: You do get awful surly when you haven't practiced your proctology
in a while.
Anal: I am NOT a proctologist!
Lore: Sure... BUTT BOY!
Everyone laughs at Anal.
Intrepid glows bright red.
Intrepid: SIR! Incoming communication! The borg are
attacking some random planet in some nearby star system we never
Billy: Those poor people of some random colony.
Iwol: We have to save that arbitrary number of colonists!
Lore: For me to kill later!
Iwol: All hands, report to the ship.
Intrepid: You heard him, inside me! NOW!
She puffs out her already puffed out chest. Everyone stares.
Intrepid: What? Do I have an imaging glitch.
She squeezes one her boobs.
Intrepid: Seems ok...
Iwol: right... just... report for duty.
DEEP SPACE 6
DEEP SPACE 66
DEEP SPACE 666
Come for a visit stay to get drunk.
We return to the set
actual bridge of the Intrepid. Iwol sits in the captain's
chair, Billy at his side, Korn at the weapons console, Intrepid sits at
the helm, Data sits at operations, Lore stuffs a body into an air
Iwol: Here we are again. Wouldn't have it any other
way. Ensign, full impulse power until we're clear, then go
Intrepid: Yes baby.
Intrepid: I mean.. sir... baby.... that is....um...
Iwol: Poooosh the little buttons and stop talking.
The ship streaks off into the great...um... known.
Meanwhile on the station...
Quin walks the corridors quite bored with himself. He pulls
out his sword and starts swishing it around. An expendable
comes running around the corner and impales himself on it.
Quin: Well.... shoulda seen that coming I suppose.
Xenia: Very good I like vat you've done here.
Quin: But... it was an accident.
Xenia: da. Of course it vas.... I am duty now.
Meat me in the Ferengi's bar at 17:00 hours.
later on the Intrepid..
Intrepid: sir, we are approaching the system.
Iwol: Full scan.
Data: The colonies appear to be destroyed, everyone was assimilated or
killed presumably. Two borg cubes have changed course and are
coming towards us.
Iwol: Red alert, raise shields.
Korn: forty-five seconds until we are in weapons range.
Iwol: Take us out of warp, load all torpedo bays and charge all phaser
Korn: All of them?
Iwol: You heard me.
Data: Sir they are hailing us..
Iwol: Oh by all means, on screen.
The view screen comes on to a picture of the inside of the borg ship.
Collective: We are the borg. Lower your shie-
Iwol: yeah yeah you will be assimilated, resistance is futile, and so
on and so forth.
Collective: Uh... well.. yes. resistance is
Iwol: No it isn't. It's worked quite well for us on multiple
Collective: oh yeah?
The view screen goes back to space, the borg cubes advance and
fire. The ship shudders under the impact.
Expendable crewman named Will: Direct hit, sir. minimal damage.
Iwol: Korn, Fire at will!
Korn pull out a phaser and shoots Will.
Iwol: At the ships, Korn.... the SHIPS.
Korn: I know.
The Intrepid offers up a rather dazzling display of quantum torpedoes
and phaser fire, managing to destroy the first borg ship.
Iwol: wow, that was easy.
Billy: Oh shit....
Iwol: Oh I should not have said that, should I.
Iwol punches the comm button.
Iwol: Scotty, how are we holding up.
We see Scotty in engineering with things exploding and expendables
Scotty: So far so good, but she canna take much more of this cap'n.
Something explodes behind him sending sparks everywhere, the lights
Scotty: Och! The starboard power coupling.
Expendable Dumbass: I'll get it sir.
He pulls open a panel and dives in.
Scotty: No ye moron dinna go into...
A bright light along with screaming and sizzling sounds come from
inside the panel. Everything shuts off, including the lights.
A borg materializes next to him. He takes a swig of Spock Ice.
Al the Ferengi grins.
AL: Hello folks, having trouble with the hive? Well stop those
pesky assimilations with Al's Borg Repellent.
He takes out a spray can and sprays himself with it. A Ferengi in
a really bad borg costume approaches him.
Ferengi: Ahhh I will assimilate all your profits. Resistance is
Al: Not today!
Ferengi: Oh no! Not Borg Repellent.
He runs away. Al grins and holds up the product.
Al's Borg Repellent does not repel
A few hours later...
The Intrepid sits adrift in space. The borg have left and a
Federation ship has found her. Detecting an odd energy reading in
the cargo bay, an away team from the other ship beams over...
Commander Screwed pulls out his tricorder and starts scanning.
The other crewman shine their flashlights around the dark room.
Screwed: I can't localize it. Someone see if you can get axillary
power up and we can use the internal sensors.
A crewman pops open a panel and hits some buttons. The lights
Intrepid steps out from behind some crates.
Intrepid: Who are you?
Screwed: I am Commander Screwed of the USS Tripoli. Where did you
come from? We didn't pick up any life signs.
Intrepid: I was..um.. hiding. That doesn't matter though, my
captain and crew have been taken by the borg!
Screwed: I'm afraid we can't go after them.
Intrepid: I have their warp trail, I can follow the cube....
Screwed: Listen, just calm down. What's with the strange
energy readings in here?
Intrepid: Just... never mind those. We have to go after my
captain right now!
Screwed: No can do, the borg have left our space and Admiral Nacheaf
has ordered that we let them go without provoking anymore loss of life.
Intrepid suddenly becomes uncharacteristically serious.
Intrepid: Admiral Nacheaf.
Screwed: Yes, she's on the Tripoli now.
Intrepid: Where on the Tripoli.
Screwed: The bridge... why does that...
Intrepid: Nevermind. Now damnit lives are at stake and we must....
Screwed: Listen lady... whoever you are.. they're gone. And from
what I've heard of this Iwol Chuckup we're probably all better off.
Intrepid gives him an icy glare. Tux pops up from between her
boobs and very calmly waves goodbye.
Screwed: what the hell...
An alarm goes off.
Screwed: Decompression sequence! Screwed to Tripoli, get us ou-
The cargo bay doors slowly open, Screwed and his crewmen scramble to
grab onto something but it is too late, they are blown out into
space. Intrepid stands calming with her hair blowing around a
bit. The camera switches outside and torpedo flies from the
Intrepid and directly strikes the Tripoli's bridge, blowing it apart.
Meanwhile on the borg cube.
Everyone stares at Iwol.
Billy: You just HAD to say it didn't you.
Iwol: Oh will you shut up about that and try to find a way out of here.
Anal: There is no way out, once those nanites get into you there's
Iwol: Anal, we've been in worse situations than this.
Iwol: Well there was the time we accidentally destroyed the Universe...
Lore: And the time Booke destroyed the universe...
Korn: Today is a good day to die!
Iwol: You always say that. Yet so far....
Korn: IT IS FOR HONOR!!
A borg enters the room and tries to grab Korn, he quickly decapitates
it. More borg swarm in, the crew try to fight them but are
restrained. One of the borg injects Korn with his assimilation
tubules. The borg release everyone and begin to walk away.
He begins attacking the drones, ripping out tubes, breaking necks,
disemboweling, etc until a pile of them lays dead at his feet.
He notices the implants starting to grow on his face. Korn grabs his
K'Nife and positions it to stab himself.
Iwol: Get him!
They grab Korn and manage to restrain him from killing himself in a
blaze of... honor... or whatever it is that goes through Korn's mind.
Iwol: Why in the world are the assimilating HIM?
Lore: better alcohol tolerance?
Back on the Intrepid...
Intrepid sits in engineering, holding her head.
We see bones and various charred remains being flung from the open
panel where the idiot crewman disabled the ship earlier.
Eventually the body parts throwing ceases and a loud hum fills the
room. The warp core starts up and panels come to life all over
engineering. Tux emerges from the panel.
Intrepid: Ahhhh that feels so much better.
They disappear and our camera view switches to the bridge where they
reappear. The ship is rocked by weapons fire.
Intrepid: Oh dear, they seem to have gotten their weapons back online.
The ship is rocked again.
Intrepid: You think they'd be grateful for me getting rid of the
Intrepid: well I suppose she may not have been on the bridge. At
any rate, we have to rescue the captain.
We now see the tripoli firing at the Intrepid. The Intrepid
delivers a series of heavy phaser blasts to their warp nacelles and
quickly warps away.
A bit later...
Intrepid: Yes, that nebula does look a little scary.
A console beeps.
Intrepid: Ahh, here we are. Federation ship.... ooh Defiant
The view screen comes on and and the captain of the other ship is on it.
Captain: This is Anne Hiro of the Valkyrie. You are ordered to
drop out of warp and power down.
Intrepid: This is... the Intrepid. We are following the warp
trail of a Borg ship. They have our crew and...
Anne Hiro: Yes, I know but you've already violated several
territories. There have been reports of aggressive
actions... and you're about to cross over into Romulan
territory. On the authority of Admiral Nacheaf you are ordered to
drop out of warp.
Intrepid: Oh... very well.
Anne Hiro: Hey why is there a penguin on the bridge... and why is
We switch to a view just behind the Valkyrie. The Intrepid
comes out of warp in a confusing distorted blur of light... which
momentarily obscures the photon torpedo volley that slams into the
Valkyrie, tearing it to pieces. The Intrepid blurs back into warp
without missing a beat.
Intrepid: What a silly request...
Deep Space 666 and the USS Intrepid need
All applicants must be mortal.
Intrepid sits in the captain's chair
trying to look captain like. As she shifts in her seat, her boobs
Intrepid: We're deep in their space... they must be out here somewhere.
A console beeps.
Intrepid: Oh.... no.
The Intrepid comes out of warp as a dozen Romulan Warbirds decloak
ahead of her.
The comn chirps.
Romulan: Federation Starship. Power down and prepare to be
boarded. This is your only warning.
Intrepid: oh no... oh no... too many ships. I don't have
time. I DON'T HAVE TIME!
Intrepid: No... you can't.
Intrepid: Well... don't forget your 128,000 tactical maneuvers... and
your library of military history of all known species.
Intrepid Salutes... then she grabs Tux and hugs him.
Intrepid: Make it out of this.
The camera switches to a view on the Romulan bridge. The Romulans
watch the Intrepid come towards them rapidly.
Romulan: Sir! They are on a collision course.
The ship gets larger in the view screen, the captain's eyes widen.
Romulan captain: EVASIVE MANEUVERS!
Just before the Intrepid collides with the Romulan ship, the saucer
section detaches and goes above it while the drive section goes
below. The saucer turns around and begins firing at the
Romulans. It dodges fire and creates chaos in the Romulan
lines. In the background we see the drive section go to warp..
A few hours later aboard the Borg ship...
Iwol: What the hell...
2 Borg drones head but each other. They both scream "HONOR" and
proceed to rip each other's heads off. The drones fall to the
ground and vaporize.
Billy: No way.
Anal: that's amazing.
Lore: That's..... awesome.
Iwol: Is Korn controlling them?
Anal: I would say no... more like the assimilated his stronger
traits. Which as we know are mostly homicidal.
Scotty takes a drink from his flask.
Suddenly the room shakes and panels begin exploding everywhere.
Collective: vessel attacking. Starfleet. No life forms
aboard. Prepare for honorable combat.
Iwol: You don't think...
He is cut short as a transporter beam takes them away. Iwol
rematerializes on the Intrepid's battle bridge. Intrepid jumps on
him, wrapping her legs around him and smothering his face in her
Intrepid: Oh thank god! I missed you... oh boy oh boy.
Lore: now THAT is a rescue.
The ship is rocked by weapons fire, they fall over with Iwol on top of
Intrepid: Oh yes... excellent idea!
Iwol: Not now... STATIONS!
He gets up just as a group of Borg materialize on the bridge.
Iwol ducks as the drone lunges for him. Intrepid grabs it and
throws it across the room. Billy grabs a couple of phasers from
behind the captain's chair and tosses one to Iwol. He begins
firing at any drone in sight, as do the others. After a short
time the bridge is littered with borg bodies.
Intrepid: Oh isn't this so romantic...
Iwol: Damnit what about that ship?
Intrepid: OH.... right.
She jumps into her seat at the conn. Lore takes the weapons
Lore: The cube is heavily damaged... but there are 8 more on an
Iwol: Get us out of her.
Intrepid: Oh dear... warp engines are offline.
Iwol taps the comm.
Scotty: Sorry cap'n it's gonna take a wee bit longer than the arbitrary
amount of time we have.
Intrepid: If we're going to die... how about a quickie?
They look to the view screen as the borg cubes drop out of warp and
descend upon them. One locks the ship in a tractor beam.
Intrepid runs to Iwol and jumps on him.
A console beeps.
Lore: another ship coming in..
Billy: We should be flattered.
Data: I suppose this is the end.
Intrepid stops molesting Iwol for a moment. She smiles
Intrepid: no.... not yet!
She begins jumping up and down, her boobs bouncing considerably.
Iwol: what the hell is ....
The ship jerks suddenly and the tractor beam is
released. On the view screen we see the Intrepid's
saucer section flying in, pulse phasers blazing.
Iwol: We're still in this... tell him to dock!
Intrepid: Yes sir!
The saucer quickly reattaches. Tux appears on the battle
Intrepid pulls her top out a bit and he jumps in, peeks around
suspiciously, then descends back into her cleavage.
Billy: That's so wrong...
Scotty: Warp power conveniently restored, cap'n!
Iwol: Get us out of here, Ensign!
Intrepid: yes sir!
The ship warps away, the borg chase after them.
Billy: Sir, they're chasing us... and overtaking.
Iwol: Time to weapons range?
Intrepid: 11 minutes, 21.2452 seconds... in normal time.
Lore: I'm picking up more ships ahead.
Iwol: Who are they?
Lore: Looks like... Starfleet, Romulans, Ferengi, Gorn, Breen... and a
few others I can't identify.
Iwol: That sounds like a unified front.
Billy: A coalition against the borg. Perfect!
Intrepid sheepishly turns around and sort of stares at the floor.
Intrepid: Umm.. captain.. they possibly are not here for the borg.
Iwol: What? Well why else would that many different species
Iwol: What's our torpedo inventory.
Lore hits some buttons.
Lore: we have... 1 quantum torpedo and 5 photons.
Iwol: We have a complement of 50 quantum torpedoes and 500 photons...
Billy: And we were fully loaded when we left the station...
They glare at Intrepid.
Intrepid: well.... they were mean... and you were.... and
they.... they... they were just mean. I had to...
Iwol face palms.
Iwol: time to intercept.
Lore: 8 minutes...
Billy: A fleet of homicidal borg behind us, and a massive fleet of
pissed off races ahead of us.... including our own fleet.
A few minutes later..
Korn and Anal step onto the bridge. Korn appears to be fine.
Anal: It's ok, all the borg implants are gone.
Iwol: Already? Nice work!
Anal: Well.. thank you but... it wasn't me.
Anal: Well.. his body appears to have ..... somehow...
Iwol: Out with it!
Anal: He rejected the borg nanites, sir.
Lore: What? How?
Korn: I AM KLINGON.
Anal: Now that doesn't explain anything..
Korn: Does so.
Anal: No it does not.. now you're a living being just like the rest of
Lore: What do you know, you're just a quack proctologist.
Anal: DAMMIT LORE! NOW LISTEN HERE...
Iwol: SHUT UP! I have to make this call..
Data: Hailing frequencies open.
Iwol: This is Captain Iwol Chuckup of the Federation Starship
Intrepid. By now you are probably all aware of our ship's
Anal gives Billy a puzzled look, Billy shushes him.
Iwol: Our ship was taken over by a... a busty female borg.
Iwol: They were trying to use us to prepare an invasion force to
assimilate people, annex Romulan territory.
As Iwol speaks, Billy nods and points to a list of different races on a
Iwol: They wished to destroy the prophets, and warm the Breen system
for their drones to operate better in.....
Billy points to "Ferengi"
Iwol: Also they wanted your latinum.
Billy gives him a thumbs up.
Iwol: Through the heroic efforts of my crew... all of which save the
main characters have died... we were able to thwart them at every turn
but they were still able to bring us into their space... again against
our will. We tried to stop them from attacking all those
ships, but... we could not in time. We are presently being
followed by a number of cubes, bent of accomplishing what they failed
to do before. We need your help to stop them for the good of the
entire alpha quadrant. Chuckup Out.
Lore: Think they bought it?
Korn: Entering weapons range. Shall I open fire, captain?
Everyone else: NO!!
The fleet streaks past the Intrepid and begins attacking the Cubes.
Iwol: Let's get the hell out of here before they suspect anything.
Lore: I'll drink to that!
THE END OF ANOTHER QUALITY