Booke Sighed. He still hadn't figured out just why Iwol made him stay on the Intrepid's bridge while everybody else had a party on the station. Oh well, he would have plenty of time to read Episode 3.
Booke: Fascinating title!
Iwol glared at the Cardassian across the table, letting him know they meant business.
Booke: Die, Die! The pandas must die!
Iwol quickly pulls out his phaser and stuns Booke. Lore, anticipating this action does nothing at all to stop him from hitting the hard, cold floor.
Cardassian: Deal.
Iwol: Thank you.
300 Cardassian prisoners are beamed to the Cardassian vessel. 300 Bajoran slaves are beamed over to the Intrepid.  Both ships quickly leave the area.
Look for it in your local bar.

As soon as the Intrepid docks at the station Anal hurries to Capt. Chuckup
Anal: Sir! Come quick! Something is terribly wrong with Butthead.
Dramatic sound plays as the camera closes in on Iwol's worried face.

Iwol voice over: Space, The final frontier these are some writings that must never fall in the hands of a lawyer. We will not be prosecuted!
[Theme song plays, it sounds like the same kind of music you expect to hear in a porno]

The entire crew is standing around Butthead, looking worried.
Iwol: Could this be something she ate?
Corn.... er Korn tries to hide his bandaged ear.
Anal: I don't think so. It seems to be genetic.
Lore: You quack! It's her DNA!
Everyone looks at Lore.
Lore: Well, it is you know.
Iwol: Keep me posted, doctor.
Lore: And don't try any proctology while she's out.
Data, the only crew member with enough strength to hurt Lore smacks him upside the head.
Data: How can you joke around when a cow's life hangs in the balance.
Lore: She wont die, she can't die, it's not possible. [Lore falls to his knees weeping]
Korn: It is not honorable.  An honored cow warrior should die on the battlefield.
Quin: She'll live. Don't worry.
Lore: Really? How do you know?
Quin Uh...... er actually I was just trying to make you feel better.
Lore: Oh... I see
Iwol walks out of the infirmary, wanted to drown his sorrows in a frothy glass of Spock Ice. He remembered that the grand opening of the new Quark's was today so he decided to check it out.
Quark: Welcome, all of you to my new establishment.  Before we all go in and spend loads of money I have a special announcement to make. This bar has a direct pipeline from the Spock Ice Brewery! That means we have the freshest Spock Ice possible.
The crowd begins to cheer and demands to be let in immediately.
As they enter the bar everyone freezes at the image before them. Four completely nude females laying on a giant bed in the center of the room.
Quark: Oops! Did I mention this entire bar is filled with holoemitters? It's a holobar!
Quarks fiddles with some controls and the real bar scene appears, with the same women this time clothed in revealing outfits.
Iwol walks over and orders a tall, frothy glass of Spock Ice- the one with bite.  A woman sits down next to him
Iwol: Hi, can I buy you a drink?
The woman nods.
Iwol: Quark, get this beautiful lady a tall, frothy glass of Spock Ice- the one with bite.
Quark: Coming right up.
After a while and several more drinks.......
Iwol: Ohhhh....  I'm kind of dizzy.
The woman helps him to his feet and they leave the bar together. Iwol lets her lead him to the..... the.... where were they going?  He thought he was in a jeffries tube but that didn't make any sense.
Iwol: Get those elephants out of here, mommy.

Now Hiring!
Deep Space 666 and the USS Intrepid need expandable crewmen.
All applicants must be mortal.  Orphans preferred.
Anal walks into the infirmary. He freezes at the visage before him.
Anal: What the hell?
A cow skin lays before him with the rest of the cow nowhere in sight.
Anal: [Taps commbadge located directly over his genitals. Long story.] Anal to Capt. Chuckup
Iwol: [waking up] What?
Anal: Sir Butthead is missing and all I can find is a cow skin.
Iwol: I'll be there shortly. Iwol out.
Iwol looks around.
Iwol: Why am I in a jeffries tube? And where is my uniform?
He sneaks back to his quarters through the jeffries tubes to avoid being seen.
Meanwhile in Ops...
The comm. channel beeps.
Lt. Expendable: Lt. Expendable to Ops.
Lore: Go ahead.
Lt. Expendable: I would like to report a calf on deck 25.
Lore: Calf?
Lt. Expendable: Yes, sir. It licked the bulkhead and the metal was eaten away.
Lore: Are you saying it's saliva is a powerful acid?
Lt. Expendable: Yes.  OH NO!! It's back!  ARRRRAGHH!
Lore: Lt. Expendable? Are you dead yet? .......... well?
Korn: I think we can assume the calf killed him.
Lore: Hmmm...
Back in the infirmary...
Anal: Then I came back in here and all I saw was this cow skin.
Iwol: Is it Butthead's?
Anal: Yes, but the DNA indicates that some kind of genetic change was taking place.

Iwol: Are you saying that she is still alive but in a different form?
Anal: Probably.

Data enters the Infirmary.
Data: I have the security video from last night.
He hits a few buttons and the security video appears on the screen.
Data: Would you like some popcorn, sir?
Iwol: No thank you.
On the screen they watch as Butthead begin to shrivel up. A liquid pours out and a calf emerges he walks off screen and the liquid flows out out under the door.
Anal: I told you that door wasn't airtight!
Iwol: Where did that calf go.
Data: Over here.
They all walk around the corner and find  hole in the wall
Anal: That wasn't here before.
Iwol: Duh
Data: It appears to have been eaten away with acid.
Iwol's commbadge chirps.
Lore: Sir, we've had some reports of an acid spitting calf running amuck on the station.  He has already killed 13 expendable crewmen.
Iwol: That calf is Butthead. She's metamorphosed into a different form.
Lore: She won't get away with it! I wanted to kill those crewmen! I want justice!!
Anal: She may not be herself.  In this state it is likely that instincts have taken over.

Lore: I recommend we get some guns.  Big ones. Then go on a reckless hunt through the station.
Iwol: I concur.
They find some big phasers and split into two teams. Iwol, Data, Quin, and 4 expendable crewmen make up the first group. Lore, Korn, and Anal..
Anal: It's Ahnel damnit!
Writer: Whatever
along with 4 expendable crewmen make up the other
Iwol: This calf is dangerous.  We should try to blast away anything that moves while not harming Butthead. Understood?
Expendableguy1: Does this mean that you're going to shoot the expendable?
Iwol: No but the writer wouldn't give you any lines if you weren't doomed.

Expendableguy1: Oh.
Suddenly, Expendableguy1 bursts into flames and leaves behind a few ashes.
Iwol: Told you.
Data: Should we investigate what caused this?
Iwol: No

They walk along for a while but nothing happens.
Quin: Where  is that calf?
Iwol sees something white and immediately starts shooting at it. Everyone else does also. A large hole appears in the floor.
Lore (from the deck below): He's armed!
Phaser fire comes from the lower deck. All of the expendable crewman are killed. Including the ones in Lore's group.
Lore: Oops.  Sorry
Iwol: At least no one got hurt.
The station's kindergarten teacher steps out from around the corner.
Teacher: Ok, we won't play soccer in the halls anymore but I insist you buy us a new ball! And what are those black lumps?
Iwol: corpses
Teacher: Have you no respect for life?
Lore: No

Iwol: They were expendable crewmen.
Teacher: Oh, never mind.
Lore: We have a teacher?
Iwol: Yes but we don't know his name. He is probably going to die at some point.
Lore: That's nice to know.
The station is in chaos.
With Korn and Lore out looking for the acid spitting calf, the expendable crewman population is out of control.
Please if you have any violent impulse act it out immediately.
This has been a public service announcement.
A while later...
A woman walks out of Lore's quarters.
Lore: Come back! I don't even know your name. In fact I haven't even heard you speak yet!
Lore hears a hiss. He turns around to see the calf.
Calf: Hiss
Lore: There you are.
The calf spits at Lore. He is cut in half by the corrosive saliva. The calf runs away. Lore tries to chase it by walking on his hands but the calf manages to escape him.
A while later in the infirmary....
Quin finishes reattaching Lore's body.
Anal: This time we recovered a hair.  Based on this DNA I have determined that another metamorphosis must occur in three days.  The calf has Butthead's genetic code but it isn't complete.  There must be another organism somewhere.
Iwol: But where?
Anal: We will find out.  I expect the calf and the other creature will rejoin with Butthead's skin soon.

Lore: I suggest we all go to Quarks and get drunk.  By the time we wake up it should be time for them to join.
Iwol: Good idea.
After a while everyone forgets their troubles.  However after Scotty begins to hand out copies they begin to feel Butthead's absence.  Without her to devour the cracked humor of Scotty the copies pile up.
Iwol: If I wasn't so high I'd cry now.
On the Intrepid....
Booke is really getting bored.  After watching all of his movies, skipping the sex scenes, he has run out of things to do. Just then, the turbo lift doors hiss open and a cute little calf emerges.
Calf: Hiss
Booke: Hi, fella.  Would you like to take command?
Calf: Hiss
Booke: All right, then.
Booke steps into the turbo lift and the calf takes his position at the captain's chair. As soon as Booke is gone he realizes how boring it was up there.
Calf: Hiss
Back at the party...
Scotty: 'Tis not the same. What good are my beloved copies when I canna feed me beloved cow.
Data: Don't worry, Scotty.  Anal says that we should have Butthead back soon.
Booke walks onto the station. Finally he would get to join the party! Finally he could interact with the crew.  As Booke rounds the corner he  is so preoccupied that he runs into a woman.
Booke: Terribly sorry.
The woman smiles at Booke. He meets her gaze and they stare into each other's eyes for a moment.  Booke had never felt this way about anyone before.  He is entranced by her charming beauty and falls in love instantly.  She takes his hand and leads him back to his quarters on the Intrepid.
Lore: Was that Booke?
Korn: No, I saw him with a woman. That is not Booke.

What was he doing? Booke had met this woman only moments ago and he was touching her already! What is wrong with my mind? He thought. But with a kiss all inhibitions melted away and they began to....

I am fed up with these commercial interrupting the story just when the action heats up!
When will the advertisers learn that people hate to be interrupted like that?
That is all I wanted to say. Thank you for your time.
During the commercial break you missed a gratuitous sex scene. The good news is that we still have the PG-13 rating.
The entire crew, except for Booke is waiting in the infirmary. The doors whoosh open and the calf walks in.
Calf: Hiss
The calf crawls into Butthead's skin and waits.
Anal: There isn't much time left.
The next few minutes are an eternity as the crew waits for the other organism to come.
The doors whoosh open. Lore and Iwol star with their mouths gaping.
Anal: Captain....
Iwol: NOTHING!!!
The woman crawls into Butthead's skin and a soft glow is seen. It keeps getting brighter until a sudden flash blinds everyone. As they regain their vision Butthead stands up.
Anal: Butthead! Are you OK?
Butthead looks around then she looks around and smiles.

Butthead: [lifting head high in the air] MOO!!!
Everyone: Moo?
Anal scans Butthead.

Anal: A part of her speech center that was dormant has now become active.
Butthead: Moo
Iwol: We were all kind of hoping that.....
Butthead: SNORT
Everyone cheers.

Booke drops Episode 3: Metamorphosis and falls to his knees weeping.
Booke: I lost my virginity to a cow!!!??!??
Scotty: And a fine lass she is too!
Booke: I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone.
Scotty: Doesn't matter. Lore already left with the recording.
Booke: You mean...
Scotty: Aye, it's about to be broadcast to the entire station.

The moral of this story is: You never know which hot babe is really a cow.
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