Booke Sighed. He still hadn't figured out just why Iwol made
him stay on the Intrepid's bridge while everybody else had a party on the
station. Oh well, he would have plenty of time to read Episode 3.
Booke: Fascinating title!
Iwol glared at the Cardassian across the table, letting him know they meant
Booke: Die, Die! The pandas must die!
Iwol quickly pulls out his phaser and stuns Booke. Lore, anticipating
this action does nothing at all to stop him from hitting the hard, cold
Iwol: Thank you.
300 Cardassian prisoners are beamed to the Cardassian vessel. 300 Bajoran
slaves are beamed over to the Intrepid. Both ships quickly leave
SPOCK ICE IS NOW IN PRODUCTION
Look for it in your local bar.
As soon as the Intrepid docks at the station Anal hurries to Capt. Chuckup
Anal: Sir! Come quick! Something is terribly wrong with Butthead.
Dramatic sound plays as the camera closes in on Iwol's worried face.
Iwol voice over: Space, The final frontier these are some writings that
must never fall in the hands of a lawyer. We will not be prosecuted!
[Theme song plays, it sounds like the same kind of music you expect
to hear in a porno]
The entire crew is standing around Butthead, looking worried.
Deep Space 666 and the USS Intrepid need
All applicants must be mortal. Orphans
Iwol: Could this be something she ate?
Corn.... er Korn tries to hide his bandaged ear.
Anal: I don't think so. It seems to be genetic.
Lore: You quack! It's her DNA!
Everyone looks at Lore.
Lore: Well, it is you know.
Iwol: Keep me posted, doctor.
Lore: And don't try any proctology while she's out.
Data, the only crew member with enough strength to hurt Lore smacks
him upside the head.
Data: How can you joke around when a cow's life hangs in the balance.
Lore: She wont die, she can't die, it's not possible. [Lore falls to
his knees weeping]
Korn: It is not honorable. An honored cow warrior should die
on the battlefield.
Quin: She'll live. Don't worry.
Lore: Really? How do you know?
Quin Uh...... er actually I was just trying to make you feel better.
Lore: Oh... I see
Iwol walks out of the infirmary, wanted to drown his sorrows in a frothy
glass of Spock Ice. He remembered that the grand opening of the new Quark's
was today so he decided to check it out.
Quark: Welcome, all of you to my new establishment. Before we
all go in and spend loads of money I have a special announcement to make.
This bar has a direct pipeline from the Spock Ice Brewery! That means we
have the freshest Spock Ice possible.
The crowd begins to cheer and demands to be let in immediately.
As they enter the bar everyone freezes at the image before them. Four
completely nude females laying on a giant bed in the center of the room.
Quark: Oops! Did I mention this entire bar is filled with holoemitters?
It's a holobar!
Quarks fiddles with some controls and the real bar scene appears, with
the same women this time clothed in revealing outfits.
Iwol walks over and orders a tall, frothy glass of Spock Ice- the one
with bite. A woman sits down next to him
Iwol: Hi, can I buy you a drink?
The woman nods.
Iwol: Quark, get this beautiful lady a tall, frothy glass of Spock
Ice- the one with bite.
Quark: Coming right up.
After a while and several more drinks.......
Iwol: Ohhhh.... I'm kind of dizzy.
The woman helps him to his feet and they leave the bar together. Iwol
lets her lead him to the..... the.... where were they going? He thought
he was in a jeffries tube but that didn't make any sense.
Iwol: Get those elephants out of here, mommy.
Anal walks into the infirmary. He freezes at
the visage before him.
Anal: What the hell?
A cow skin lays before him with the rest of the
cow nowhere in sight.
Anal: [Taps commbadge located directly over his
genitals. Long story.] Anal to Capt. Chuckup
Iwol: [waking up] What?
Anal: Sir Butthead is missing and all I can find
is a cow skin.
Iwol: I'll be there shortly. Iwol out.
Iwol looks around.
Iwol: Why am I in a jeffries tube? And where
is my uniform?
He sneaks back to his quarters through the jeffries
tubes to avoid being seen.
Meanwhile in Ops...
The comm. channel beeps.
Lt. Expendable: Lt. Expendable to Ops.
Lore: Go ahead.
Lt. Expendable: I would like to report a calf
on deck 25.
Lt. Expendable: Yes, sir. It licked the bulkhead
and the metal was eaten away.
Lore: Are you saying it's saliva is a powerful
Lt. Expendable: Yes. OH NO!! It's back!
Lore: Lt. Expendable? Are you dead yet? ..........
Korn: I think we can assume the calf killed him.
Back in the infirmary...
Anal: Then I came back in here and all I saw
was this cow skin.
Iwol: Is it Butthead's?
Anal: Yes, but the DNA indicates that some kind of genetic change was taking
Iwol: Are you saying that she is still alive
but in a different form?
Data enters the Infirmary.
Data: I have the security video from last night.
He hits a few buttons and the security video
appears on the screen.
Data: Would you like some popcorn, sir?
Iwol: No thank you.
On the screen they watch as Butthead begin to
shrivel up. A liquid pours out and a calf emerges he walks off screen and
the liquid flows out out under the door.
Anal: I told you that door wasn't airtight!
Iwol: Where did that calf go.
Data: Over here.
They all walk around the corner and find
hole in the wall
Anal: That wasn't here before.
Data: It appears to have been eaten away with
Iwol's commbadge chirps.
Lore: Sir, we've had some reports of an acid
spitting calf running amuck on the station. He has already killed
13 expendable crewmen.
Iwol: That calf is Butthead. She's metamorphosed
into a different form.
Lore: She won't get away with it! I wanted to
kill those crewmen! I want justice!!
Anal: She may not be herself. In this state it is likely that instincts
have taken over.
Lore: I recommend we get some guns. Big
ones. Then go on a reckless hunt through the station.
Iwol: I concur.
They find some big phasers and split into two
teams. Iwol, Data, Quin, and 4 expendable crewmen make up the first group.
Lore, Korn, and Anal..
Anal: It's Ahnel damnit!
along with 4 expendable crewmen make up the other
Iwol: This calf is dangerous. We should
try to blast away anything that moves while not harming Butthead. Understood?
Expendableguy1: Does this mean that you're going to shoot the expendable?
Iwol: No but the writer wouldn't give you any lines if you weren't doomed.
Suddenly, Expendableguy1 bursts into flames and
leaves behind a few ashes.
Iwol: Told you.
Data: Should we investigate what caused this?
They walk along for a while but nothing happens.
Quin: Where is that calf?
Iwol sees something white and immediately starts
shooting at it. Everyone else does also. A large hole appears in the floor.
Lore (from the deck below): He's armed!
Phaser fire comes from the lower deck. All of
the expendable crewman are killed. Including the ones in Lore's group.
Lore: Oops. Sorry
Iwol: At least no one got hurt.
The station's kindergarten teacher steps out
from around the corner.
Teacher: Ok, we won't play soccer in the halls
anymore but I insist you buy us a new ball! And what are those black lumps?
Teacher: Have you no respect for life?
Iwol: They were expendable crewmen.
Teacher: Oh, never mind.
Lore: We have a teacher?
Iwol: Yes but we don't know his name. He is probably
going to die at some point.
Lore: That's nice to know.
The station is in chaos.
With Korn and Lore out looking for the acid
spitting calf, the expendable crewman population is out of control.
Please if you have any violent impulse act
it out immediately.
This has been a public service announcement.
A while later...
A woman walks out of Lore's quarters.
Lore: Come back! I don't even know your name.
In fact I haven't even heard you speak yet!
Lore hears a hiss. He turns around to see the
Lore: There you are.
The calf spits at Lore. He is cut in half by
the corrosive saliva. The calf runs away. Lore tries to chase it by walking
on his hands but the calf manages to escape him.
A while later in the infirmary....
Quin finishes reattaching Lore's body.
Anal: This time we recovered a hair. Based
on this DNA I have determined that another metamorphosis must occur in
three days. The calf has Butthead's genetic code but it isn't complete.
There must be another organism somewhere.
Iwol: But where?
Anal: We will find out. I expect the calf and the other creature
will rejoin with Butthead's skin soon.
Lore: I suggest we all go to Quarks and get drunk.
By the time we wake up it should be time for them to join.
Iwol: Good idea.
After a while everyone forgets their troubles.
However after Scotty begins to hand out copies they begin to feel Butthead's
absence. Without her to devour the cracked humor of Scotty the copies
Iwol: If I wasn't so high I'd cry now.
On the Intrepid....
Booke is really getting bored. After watching
all of his movies, skipping the sex scenes, he has run out of things to
do. Just then, the turbo lift doors hiss open and a cute little calf emerges.
Booke: Hi, fella. Would you like to take
Booke: All right, then.
Booke steps into the turbo lift and the calf
takes his position at the captain's chair. As soon as Booke is gone he
realizes how boring it was up there.
Back at the party...
Scotty: 'Tis not the same. What good are my beloved
copies when I canna feed me beloved cow.
Data: Don't worry, Scotty. Anal says that
we should have Butthead back soon.
Booke walks onto the station. Finally he would
get to join the party! Finally he could interact with the crew. As
Booke rounds the corner he is so preoccupied that he runs into a
Booke: Terribly sorry.
The woman smiles at Booke. He meets her gaze
and they stare into each other's eyes for a moment. Booke had never
felt this way about anyone before. He is entranced by her charming
beauty and falls in love instantly. She takes his hand and leads
him back to his quarters on the Intrepid.
Lore: Was that Booke?
Korn: No, I saw him with a woman. That is not Booke.
What was he doing? Booke had met this woman only
moments ago and he was touching her already! What is wrong with my mind?
He thought. But with a kiss all inhibitions melted away and they began
I am fed up with these commercial interrupting
the story just when the action heats up!
When will the advertisers learn that people hate to be interrupted like
That is all I wanted to say. Thank you for
During the commercial break you missed a gratuitous
sex scene. The good news is that we still have the PG-13 rating.
The entire crew, except for Booke is waiting
in the infirmary. The doors whoosh open and the calf walks in.
The calf crawls into Butthead's skin and waits.
Anal: There isn't much time left.
The next few minutes are an eternity as the crew
waits for the other organism to come.
The doors whoosh open. Lore and Iwol star with
their mouths gaping.
The woman crawls into Butthead's skin and a soft
glow is seen. It keeps getting brighter until a sudden flash blinds everyone.
As they regain their vision Butthead stands up.
Anal: Butthead! Are you OK?
Butthead looks around then she looks around and smiles.
Butthead: [lifting head high in the air] MOO!!!
Anal scans Butthead.
Anal: A part of her speech center that was dormant
has now become active.
Iwol: We were all kind of hoping that.....
Booke drops Episode 3: Metamorphosis and falls
to his knees weeping.
The moral of this story is: You never know
which hot babe is really a cow.
Booke: I lost my virginity to a cow!!!??!??
Scotty: And a fine lass she is too!
Booke: I would appreciate it if you didn't tell
Scotty: Doesn't matter. Lore already left with
Booke: You mean...
Scotty: Aye, it's about to be broadcast to the