Episode 4: Repetitive and Unnecessary Sacrifice of
Captains Log (supplemental) : Stardate 4666.96. The Intrepid is making
it's first delivery of Spock Ice. With the new tanker pod Quin made
out of an Oberth class starship we can now bring massive amounts of liquor
to any race who can afford it. Locked in transporter for years Scotty
has become the Intrepid's chief engineer after the other one died under
mysterious circumstances. It was bound to happen since he never had
a name and Lore is around.
Booke: Why is the captain's log supplemental?
Iwol: It just is.
Lore: I always wondered about that myself.
Iwol: It's not important.
Korn: I thought it was due to the primary log being kept elsewhere.
Lore: No, there's only one log.
Iwol: Will you people drop it?
Lore: Hey, that's a good idea!
Iwol: Enough about the log!!
Lore: All right, all right, I didn't want to know anyway.
Iwol: I'll be in my ready room.
Lore: Why do they call it a ready room?
Iwol exits the bridge, pretending not to hear. In his ready room he
contacts the Enterprise.
Kirk: What can I do for you?
Iwol: Can I speak to you in private?
Kirk: Sure (he goes into his ready room)
Iwol: Why do we say Captain's Log (supplemental) instead of just Captain's
Kirk: Why do you ask?
Iwol: My crew has been asking............... questions...
Kirk: What I tell you can't ever be spoken to another soul.
Kirk: It sounds better.
Kirk: I started the tradition when I found out that chicks dig the
Back on the bridge....
Lore has a chart of the Intrepid on the main view screen.
Lore: You see there, we have a conference room.
Korn: Perhaps it is called the ready room because the captain prepares
for a mission there.
Lore: No, the mission preparation room is on deck 6. [smacks a pointer
stick on deck 6]
Iwol walks onto the bridge. Lore quickly returns the view screen to
it's normal mode- Baywatch Episodes.
Lore: Now, THAT is a beach ball.
Everyone nods their head in agreement.
Lore: Captain, message from starfleet.
Iwol: what is it?
Lore: We are to proceed immediately to a Dominion penal colony.......
Iwol: No penal jokes, Lore.
Iwol: Just be quiet.
Lore: No, really starfleet said.....
Iwol: I told you to be quiet.
A few minutes later.
Korn: Sir, Starfleet command is hailing us.
Iwol: On screen.
Admiralwhatever: Why aren't you headed for that Dominion Penal
Iwol: Oh crap.
Admiralwhatever: Get going!
The screen goes blank.
Iwol: Set a course for the colony. Maximum warp.
Lore: the PENAL colony
Lore: The big 'P' , the steel shaft, the BIG house, the old penal colony,
the penal, penal torture, the HUGE...
Iwol: Mr. Data....
Data smacks Lore upside the head.
Anal: Hee hee, 'penal'
Iwol: That's just sick, Butthead.
Everyone begins to shake their head in disgust.
Iwol: It's ok, we all get caught up in the moment sometimes.
Booke: Can I file a sexual harassment form for that?
Iwol: She apologized.
Booke: But she made suggestive remarks about me and a pena....
Butthead stares at Booke. When no one is looking she winks at him.
Iwol: I told you to shut up.
Korn: I just got our mission specs, sir.
Lore: Why can we get instant video and it takes forever to get..........
Iwol: What is it?
Korn: It seems that the Enterprise- E has been captured by the Dominion.
We don't have all the facts in yet, but it's entire expendable crewmen
population is believed dead. Our orders are to get back any of the
Senior Officers if possible and recover the Enterprise. If we can't we
have to blow it up.
Iwol: If we took that ship and said we blew it up....
Lore: We could use it ourselves!
Iwol: Exactly. We should be prepared for a fight.
Booke: I could help Scotty reroute the primary oscillating circuits
through the rear defogger manifold while carefully calibrating the bumper
sticker lights to the subspace frequency of 231.32 and divert that energy
Iwol: Will that increase our weapon strength?
Booke: No, but it will change the phaser color.
Iwol: Make it s... er do that.
Iwol begins to worry about how he almost said Pic-card(any card)'s
Would you, could you in a box?
Would you, could you with a
Sulu's intimate apparel.
free fencing lesson with purchase
The Intrepid enters orbit around the big 'P' and
also the colony.
Data: The Incan indians were a proud race of nat...
Data: I'm reciting my 6th grade report, sir.
Iwol: about the planet.
Data: Ah, I see. The colony is...
Lore: The PENAL colony.
Iwol: Shut up.
Data: the PENAL colony is well protected by a sensor net. We will have
to beam down approximately 11 kilometers from the prison to avoid detection.
Korn: Not that tired plot device again! It is not honorable.
Iwol: Korn, you say that about everything!
Korn: I just want attention. [begins to pout]
Iwol: All the senior officers except Data, Scotty, and half the
expendable crewmen come with me. Mr. Data, you have command until we get
back. Usually in this situation a captain would tell you to leave in case
of trouble but I expect you to stay and fight. Understood?
Data: Yes, sir.
In the transporter room...
Anal: Since the place we are beaming down has some Zebra- like animals,
I painted stripes on Butthead so she can blend in with the surroundings.
Iwol: Now, remember. The area is crawling with dominion troops. Stay
in the tall grass and be quiet until we get to the colony.
Lore: The PENAL colony.
Iwol points his phaser- rifle at Lore
Iwol: I will shoot you if necessary.
The entire force beams down to the planet. Shortly after the transporter
operator dies of.......... er... use your imagination.
On the planet.
Lore: The PENAL planet.
Suddenly, Lore feels his first sensation of extreme pain.
Writer: don't question me.
JH Second: First, doesn't that zebra look unusually large? [gestures
to Butthead in disguise]
JH First: Fool! We are for battle not zoology!
JH Second: I deserve punishment.
JH First: You shall have it. [snaps Second's neck] That'll teach him
to be observant!
The force crawls through the grass. Some expendable crewmen die from
Iwol crawls up next to Butthead
Iwol (whispering): Butthead.
Butthead (whispering): Snort.
Iwol: Don't eat the grass. It's our only cover.
Butthead: Snort. [stops eating grass]
Back on the Intrepid....
Expendableguy1: Sir! There are dominion ships approaching!
Data: how many?
Expendable guy1 evaporates
Expendableguy2: 353 ships.
Data: When will they get here?
Expendableguy2's head falls off.
Expendableguy3: They will be here in about 13 hours.
Data: We'd better come up with a plan.
Expendableguy3: What's happening? No! No! ARRRAGHHHHHHH!
Data: Oh dear...
Back on the planet....
Iwol (whispering): Okay, guys. We're almost there. Just a little farther....
A panda- like animal walks out in front of them. Everyone except for
Booke and Butthead smacks their forehead. Butthead lowers her head.
Booke: DIE DIE!! THE PANDAS MUST DIE!!!
Booke stands up an kills the panda with his phaser. Everyone else stands
up to fight the 20 JH guards. The JH open fire, the 123 remaining expendable
crewmen are all killed instantly.
Iwol: DAMNIT, BOOKE!
Booke: It had to be done, sir.
A JH races towards the captain and Butthead slams her skull against
his body. The bewildered JH flies through the air and lands on the ground.
Lore and Korn: YES! [they do a high five]
Lore pulls out his wrist mounted photon torpedo launcher and begins
to blow JH apart everywhere. Korn hacks away with his Klingon k'nife. Quin
pulls out a long sword (huh huh huh he said long sword) and begins beheading
JH. Anal begins to inject the JH with something that causes them to burst
Iwol: Why did I bother issuing phasers to anyone besides myself?
Lore: I'm having the time of my life!
Korn: It is a good day to kill in massive quantities!
MASS carnage continues for a while. Finally, several million JH troops
beam into the battle.
JH first: OK, you! Surrender!
Iwol, Booke, Anal, and Quin throw down their weapons. Butthead lays
down in the grass.
JH First: Hey! you two! I said surrender!
Lore and Korn continue to slaughter JH
JH First: Stop! I will kill this one. [grabs Booke]
Lore and Korn: OK [killing continues]
JH First: I'm not bluffing!
Lore: Will you kill him, already?
The JH first sighs. The founders told him to bring them all in alive.
Iwol wakes up
Quin: Korn got tired and quit. It's down to Lore now.
Iwol: Wake me if anything new happens.
The next morning....
There are 5 JH left...... no 2
Lore: [stops] This is getting old. I surrender.
Iwol: Lore, there are 2 of them left. Why not finish the job?
Lore: Nahh, they outnumber us.
JH First: That's more like it. Now as soon as we get a bridge to cross
this river of blood, we'll march you to a detention cell.
Iwol looks as if he is about to kill Lore. Butthead walks away
from the blood river to avoid drowning.
Anal: Well, it doesn't have to be a total loss. There's enough meat
here to make a lot of cat food.
Back on the Intrepid.......
Data: Scotty, we need a way to be able to defeat those 353 ships.
Scotty: Ye canna be serious!
Data: You have 5 minutes.
Down in engineering....
Scotty: All right, get out of here. All of you.
The expendable engineering crewmen walk away. They take a wrong turn
and end up an a plasma vent where the die a painful death.
Scotty: Time to get down to business.
Scotty hooks one end of a hose to the phaser conduits. He then unfastens
his belt and discards his trousers.
Scotty: Ahh, it's been a long time since I done this.
Scotty inserts the other end of the hose into his posterior orifice
(or for our less educated readers, his butt hole)
Scotty: Scott to bridge, I'm ready here.
Data: Stand by to fire.
Scotty: I canna hold it much longer, captain.
We get a close up of Scotty's face. It is covered in sweat and filled
A loud pbbbbt noise is heard. Scotty's face becomes relieved.
A large cloud of gas (specifically, methane in a plasma state) shoots
out from the Intrepid. A huge explosion destroys the 353 ships.
Data: Good job, Scotty.
Scotty: Thank ye, sir.
Expendableguy# who cares: Sir there are 5 more Jem Hedar ships coming
Expendableguy# who cares implodes suddenly.
Data: Red Alert.
On the Enterpeise....
Kirk: Looks like they need some help. Prepare to decloak.
Chekov: Ven did ve get a cloaking dewice?
Kirk: Spock stole it from the Romulans.
Chekov: Vy vas I not informed?
Kirk: I thought that the indicator light above the view screen that
says 'this ship is now cloaked' was a dead giveaway.
The Enterprise decloaks and starts to beat the crap out of the JH
Vorta(on JH ship): Get behind the Intrepid. I think we should be able
to destroy her from that angle.
JH First: Aye, sir.
The JH ship closes in on the Intrepid's rear quarters.
Vorta: What's that thing on the hull?
JH First: I don't know.
Vorta: Go in for a closer look.
JH First: It appears to be a bumper sticker. It says 'I brake for Risian
Suddenly the bumper sticker flies off, revealing the 30 concealed photon
Vorta: Oh crap! Evasive manuevers!
The Intrepid fires a rather excessive volly of torpedoes. The JH ship
explodes in a brilliant fireball.
The Enterprise slips up behind another JH ship.
The ship is destroyed.
Kirk: I haven't had this much fun for years!
Back on planet....
Our heroes are locked behind bars(pretty low-tech for 24th century)
Iwol: You stupid idiot! We could have been free right now, but nooooo.
You had to be a god damn lazy ass bastard and refuse to kill two damn guards!
Son of a....
Anal: Sir, you've repeated that about three dozen times now.
Lore: 3.666 dozen by my count.
Iwol: Shut up, you worthless little shit in the ass! I told you
not to speak.
Lore: Sorry. OOPS! I talked. Sorry. Damn. Well I'm going to shut up
Iwol Detaches Lore's arm and begins to assault him with it.
Lore: Are you mad at me, sir?
Anal: Um, not to interrupt your wacky hijinks, but Butthead is kind
of giving birth.
Iwol: ?[stops attacking Lore for a moment]
Iwol: SON OF A B.....
Back at the battle scene..........
Vorta: Excellent, the Intrepid is crippled. Prepare to fi....
An image appears on the Vorta's head up display thingy.
Vorta: What do you make of that?
First: Looks like a big letter B.
Vorta: Oh my god! It's somebody's as...
The bridge explodes around them and everyone on board is killed.
Scotty: I guess they must have been enthralled by it.
Data: Yes, that must have been it.
Korn sits down at the bar.
Why have koffe when you're already hung over?
Korn: BARTENDER! Ractigino!
Iwol: [aside] what he doesn't know is we replaced
his klingon koffe with all new Holdyer Crystals. Let's see if he notices.
Korn: [sips coffee and spits it out]Aggh! This
is the most dishonorable putrid helspawnish crap from hell I have ever
tasted! [throws away cup.] YOU! Ferengi P'tok! Get me a Spock Ice!
The Ferengi brings him a tall frothy glass of
Spock Ice. Korn kills the Ferengi.
Korn: Much better.
Iwol: My work here is done.
Anal: Butthead, push! Come on now....
Well, that's the end.
Please direct any compliments, complaints, or commitment papers
Butthead: SNORT! [kicks Anal]
Anal flies back into a wall.
Anal: I know you're a bit upset. that's normal.
Iwol: Oh shit.
Iwol: When cows give birth they get mad. Real mad.
Anal: Oh no.
Iwol: It means little to you since you are the only one of us who could
survive a cow attack.
Lore: Oh, never mind.
A small calf is born.
Lore: I know that sound.
Lore whirls around dramatically nd looks at the calf.
Lore: AHHH! It's the acid-calf!
Lore jumps out of the jail through a hole in the roof.
Booke: HEY! I remember you!
Butthead: Snort, snort snort.
Calf: Hiss hiss.
Lore: Are you sure it's OK?
Iwol: GET IN HERE!
Lore comes back inside.
Iwol: We must find a way out.
Anal: But how?
Iwol: Good idea.
The calf begins to lick the walls which are quickly eaten away by the
Iwol: Let's go.
They all leave through the hole.
A few moments later a Vorta walks up to the cell
Vorta: Good News! Since your two ships somehow defeated our entire
fleet we've decided to let you go. [considers the empty cell and the hole]
The Vorta storms off.
Iwol: We need to contact the Intrepid. Does anyone have a communicator?
Booke: Excuse me for a moment.
Booke disappears behind a bush. After a lot of grunting, he returns
with a communicator while zipping his trousers.
Booke: Here ya go. [tries to give Iwol the communicator.]
Iwol: You hold it.
Back on the Intrepid........
Expendableguy4: Sir, incoming message from the away team...................
ARRRRAGH!!!! MY HEART IS EXPANDING AHHHHHHHH!
Data: On screen
Expendableguy5, seeing a pattern decides to be quiet. He is electrocuted
when he puts the message on screen.
Iwol: We were captured, thanks to Booke, but we escaped. I need the
location of the Enterprise- E
Data, realizing all the expendable crewmen on the bridge aregone(as
in dead), goes to the science station and scans.
Data: The ships is 400 meters North-East of your location.
Several fresh expendable crewmen walk onto the bridge
Expendableguy6: Sir! Dominion ships are coming!
Expendableguy6's brain suddenly turns into acid. His head melts.
Iwol: We'll try to hurry.
A while later...
Our heroes find the Enterprise- E and 50 expendable crewmen who are
being held by two guards.
Iwol, Lore, Quin, and Booke open fire on the guards, but they miss
and kill all the expendable crewmen before they take out the guards.
Korn: I know, but we have no time for a meal!
Butthead (sternly): SNORT
back on the Intrepid....
Data: Scotty, those ships will be here soon.
The view changes to engineering. Scotty is having a bowl of chili and
Spock Ice. There are many empty
chili bowl scattered about
Scotty: It's na good, cap'n I canna metabolize any faster! My plumbing
canna take it!
Data: Oh Shit!
Scotty: I told ye I canna do it!
Data: Just an expression.
The Dominon ships attack. The Intrepid and The Enterprise-A fight
but get beat up badly.
Scotty: She canna take it, cap'n! One more hit and the engines
Expendableguy7: There's another ship coming in. It's the Enterprise- E!
Expendableguy7's entrails turn into LSD. He overdoses.
The Enterprise- E comes in with one of those dramatic phasers firing
scenes. The Dominion ships retreat.
Expendableguy8: Sir, the Enterprise- E is hailing us.
Data: On screen
Expendableguy8 bleeds to death from a paper cut.
Iwol: Let's head back to the station.
Data: Our engines are off-line
Scotty's face suddenly turns fatigued
Scotty: I'll handle that.
Scotty puts on a space suit and goes out behind the Intrepid.
He then opens a door in the rear of his suit, exposing his posterior orifice.
Scotty: Ready, sir.
The Enterprise, the Enterprise, and the Scotty powered Intrepid
NOTE: Due to an inertial damper failure, everyone on the Intrepid is
killed except for Data since he's an android. Scotty is outside the ship.