EPISODE 6: REGRESSIONS
Anal, Quin, and Butthead are in Quark's sitting at a table.
Quark: Here you are; One salad, a large order of haggis, and one hay
Quin: Have any of you noticed that, except for the captain, we are
the only normal
members of the crew?
Quin: We have a homicidal android, an overweight Scottish engineer
photocopies of his butt, an insane former Q, and a Klingon with
a thing about killing
Anal: And everybody always calls me Anal, yet I have repeatedly stated
that my name is
Anal: No, not Anus. Ahnel.
Anal: No, it's AH-nel.
Anal: Never mind
Butthead begins looking at a suspicious character wearing a hood that
conceals his face.
Quin: What is it?
Butthead follows the hooded guy out. Anal and Quin follow her.
Quin: Anal, what's going on?
Anal: I don't know................... and my name is Ahnel!
They trail the guy all the way into the Spock Ice processing center.
Writer: This is a very exciting time in the story. Not only will we
have our first scene in the Spock Ice processing center, but a new character
is introduced. WOW!
The Spock Ice processing center is the busiest part of the station.
Full of Bajoran slaves toiling away to make the best stuff in the universe
and a big fat guy beating on drums. No pictures, please.
The slave master, Xenia Onatop makes an announcement.
Xenia: My name is Xenia Onatop. Welcome to our brewery. No pictures,
Lore turns to Anal
Lore (doing best Beavis impression): BOIOIOIOING!!!
Anal: You are disgusting!
Xenia starts talking about beach wood aging. While the others are distracted,
the hooded guy slips away. Butthead, using her cow instincts, detects him
and follows. As she rounds the corner she sees a hole in the vault and
the little man pulling something out. Butthead charges him, but it
is too late. The hooded guy beams away.
Butthead: SNORT!!!!! SNORT!!!!
The others come running
Lore: What is it?.......... OH MY GOD! RED ALERT! Lore
Iwol: What's going on?
Lore: Somebody stole the Spock Ice Recipe!!!
Iwol: Mr. Data....
Data: I am detecting one Packled vessel leaving the area
Iwol: Lock on tractor beam!
Data: Shit! He disabled it!
Iwol: Xenia, find Al the Ferengi and you two take command. The rest
of you report to the Intrepid!
Later on the USS Intrepid.....
Iwol: Lay in pursuit course. Maximum warp.
Korn: Estimate intercept in 30 seconds..............25..............20..............15............10
Data: Sir! The Packled vessel has increased to warp 9.7
Iwol: Chuckup to engineering.
Scotty: Scott here.
Iwol: I need more speed!
Scotty: Now at warp 9.9
Data: The Packled ship is now at warp 9.99999999999999999999999999999999
Iwol: How can he do that?
Data: Sensors show 88% of the ship is devoted to warp drive.
Iwol: Scotty, this ship was designed for transwarp drive, right?
Scotty: Yes, but it never worked.
Iwol: I want transwarp now, Mr. Scott
Scotty: It's nay possible, cap'n!
Iwol: You have 2 minutes
1.5 minutes later
Scotty: Transwarp ready, sir.
Iwol: Now, Mr. Data!
The Intrepid begins to shudder and shake as it is thrust hard into
the soft, wondrous folds of space and time OHHH YESSSS!
Writer: Sorry about that. I got caught up in the moment.
Data: Now at warp 10.............11.............12.6...................14.3
Korn: We will overtake the Packled in 10 seconds.....9.............8........7.........6........5.........4......3.......2
Iwol: Match speed. Lock on tractor beam.
Korn: Tractor engaged. We have them.
Iwol: Lore, Butthead, Quin come with me. Mr. Booke, you have the con.
The away team leaves.
Korn: your orders?
Booke: Mr. Anal, bring me some milk and cookies ..STAT!
Anal: Yes sir.
on the way to the transporter.....
Iwol: Do you know this guy?
Iwol: Billy!? He's dead.
Iwol: I guess we'll find out.
They beam over to find Billy and a bunch of Packleds with shit eating
grins. Billy aims his phaser at Iwol and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens.
Packled1 (smiling even more): I fixed it! It is better now. I am smart.
They toss their weapons away.
Iwol: Where is the recipe?
Billy: We won't tell you!
Packled2: That's right! We are smart. We won't tell you it's in a locker
on the deck below. We are smart!
Packled2 smiles the hugest smile yet, obviously very pleased with himself.
Billy: Why did I hire Packleds?
Billy: I do not suck!
Iwol: Yes you do.
Billy: No, I don't!
Quin: Yes you do.
Back on the Intrepid......
Korn: Sir! an escape pod is leaving the Packled ship!
Booke whirls around and gives Korn a serious look.
Booke: Mr. Korn, get me a pillow and my favorite blankey!
Korn frowns and growls.
Korn: Yes, sir.
Iwol: We've got the recipe. Let's beam back.
Lore: Shame that Billy got away.
Iwol: Don't worry. If I know our writer, he'll be killed in a
A bit later.......
The away team enters the Intrepid's bridge. Lore and Iwol walk up to
Booke who is on the floor, rapped in his blankey, head on a pillow, and
with a milk mustache. Lore gives Iwol a questioning look. Iwol nods.
Lore kicks Booke who slams against a bulkhead.
Anal: Well, that was a short episode.
Suddenly, Q appears.
Q points at Iwol
Q: So, it's you who have been tearing up space with your transwarp
drive! What is your explanation.
Iwol: We were chasing a thief who stole the Spock Ice recipe.
Q: Oh. I guess I can excuse that...... if
Iwol: If what?
Q (smiling): If I can have 48 hours alone with Butthead.
Iwol: I would never order anyone to do that!
Q: Very well. <snaps fingers>
Q: Now, Q how about you?
Booke: Never, Q! Look at her! So beautiful and pure! I would
lead this crew to it's death before I would ever allow it!
Q: OK <snaps fingers>
The Intrepid vanishes with all hands.
Disembodied Q: Ha ha ha ha ha
Back on DS666
Xenia is glaring at Al across the table. The are both very tense.
Al glares at his opponent.
Al: Go fish!
Xenia: Bulatch! <throws away cards>
Al: Geez, calm down.
An alarm goes off.
Xenia: What's that?
Al: <checks sensors> There is a Dominion fleet coming!
Xenia(smiling seductively): ooooh!
Al pushes the dirty thoughts from his mind and concentrates on the
task at hand.
Xenia(panting heavily): Ohh! Get the shields up. and ARM YOUR WEAPON
Even though there were dozens of enemy ships coming in, all Al could
concentrate on was the flying saucer in his pants.
Writer: I hope you all understand why I put a James Bond Character in
Star Trek Now.
1998 on a Farm in Illinois, USA.......
James Boone wakes up and feels odd. Something is not right.
He doesn't feel like he is the same person.
James gets on the bus and heads for HIGH school
Same year on a road in Arkansas.........
Same great taste, less filing.
Look for it in the red bottle.
Back on the Boone farm............
A cop sees a drunk driver. The guy is going over 100 mph and
is swerving all over the road (and off it) The officer pulls him
Cop: OK, sir. Let's see your license.
At this point the cop looks in at the driver.
Cop: HOLY SHIT!
The driver growls.
Cop: Um, could you please get out of the vehicle.
The driver gets out. At 7' 9" he towers over the now very frightened
Cop: I'm....... going to have to take you downtown.
The driver growls.
Cop: <hmm, must be some sort of circus performer>
In the pasture, a cow and her calf graze. Suddenly, the cow looks
They establish a telepathic link. Suddenly, by pooling their minds,
they discover something hidden in their memories.
James gets off the buss to be confronted by a cow and her calf.
James: Hey....... what are you doing...... get back!
Butthead slaps her tongue against James's temples and initiates a cow
Writer: OK, this part is inside the Minds of Butthead and..er James.
So, she can convey messages in English.
Butthead: My mind to your mind........ My thoughts to your thoughts.
James: Who are you?
A flood of images enters his mind. Thoughts of Butthead....... The
Intrepid........ Deep Space 666
James: I don't understand.
A taste, image, smell, and feeling rushes through him. It can only
be described as Spock Ice.
[they return to the real world]
Iwol: That explains why all the people said I looked like a 30 year
Iwol: We have to find the others. But how can we get away? My.......
er James's dad won't just let us leave.
Iwol: You never cease to amaze me.
Meanwhile in the pasture......
James's dad is surrounded by cows.
Dad: Crimes against cowkind!? Let me go!
As he tries to leave, the cows force him to the ground.
The cows begin mooing amongst themselves.
Back at the house.
Iwol puts an ammo box and a shotgun in a cattle trailer. He then
backs up a pickup to it and hitches it up.
Iwol: OK, get in.
Butthead and her calf get in the cattle trailer. Iwol Starts up the
pickup and they head on down the road. Iwol turns on the radio.
Reporter: The madman is coming this way now........... sir, could you
tell us your name?
Madman: Me? I'm Batman!
Reporter: I.... see........
Booke: Would you like to come to my Batcave and side down my Batpole?
Booke: I must go now!
Officer: Grab him!
Booke: Ha ha! too slow!
Iwol turns off at the next exit
Iwol: It's show time!
He floors it.
Iwol: YEE HAW!
Somewhere in New Mexico...........
In a desert there is a large military truck, several military officers,
and some dead bodies.
General: What happened.
Lieutenant: One of them was friendly and polite to us, but the other
just started killing everybody in sight. We lost 100 men just getting him
in the truck!
General: What are they, some kind of robots?
General: Take them to Area51.
En route to Batm...... er Booke
Iwol: Hey, that guy looks familiar.
Two men are fighting in the road with swords. One of the beheads the
other and receives some sort of energy from the body.
Quin: How do you know my name?
Butthead gets out and performs the cow tongue meld.
Iwol: Get in.
Quin jumps in the pickup and they take off again.
Quin: Where are we going?
Iwol: To get Booke.
Quin: Never mind.
They arrive in the city. Police and reporters litter the streets
as Booke jumps from rooftop to rooftop.
Booke: You will never catch Batman!
Iwol: Batman! Quick! Get in the trailer, we have to find the joker!
Booke: Good-bye, fair people!
He gets in the cattle trailer. The police run towards the pickup.
Cop: everyone out of the vehicle!
Before Butthead can stop him, Booke grabs a pistol and starts shooting.
Iwol and Quin each grab a shotgun and blow away the entire police force.
Writer: yeah, you can send me hate mail. But I won't care. It's just
a joke, OK.
They Pile in and Iwol speeds away.
THEY STILL HAVEN'T LISTENED HAVE THEY
I REALLY HATE THESE COMMERCIAL BREAKS INTERRUPTING
BUT THEY CONTINUE TO DO IT
During the commercial break the station was boarded.
The Jem Hedar were defeated at the cost of all the expendable crewmen's
Iwol: His mind is no different than it ever was?
Quin: Try taking off his Batman outfit.
Butthead removes the mask and cape.
Booke: Hello, Butthead.
Back in the 24th century........
Al: The Jem Hedar are now in weapons range
The Station is rocked by a violent hit. Panels explode and alarms go
off all over.
Expendable Crewman: Sir! We've been hit!
Expendable Crewman turns into a wedge of cheese. Rats appear and consume
Torrents of phaser fire and photon torpedoes burst forth from Deep
Space 666. Several ships are destroyed while others keep firing.
Xenia: ooh! ooooooooh! yes!!!!!!!!!!!! oooooooh!
Al wonders if he can score some action later.
The battle rages on as more Jem Hedar ships are destroyed and the Station
takes more and more damage. Suddenly something exciting hap.............
Al: <concentrate on poop. No that makes it
worse. A big harry fat guy. that's it.>
Xenia: Why don't you stand?
BACK IN 1998.........
Iwol: Let's turn on the radio.
A commercial comes on.
Singers: An achin' in your butt, a tingle in
your rectum, or a hard to reach itch? Call Anal k. Ram.
Anal: It's Ahnel k. Rahm damnit!!!!!!!
Announcer: Anal k. Ram Proctology 401 Main Street
Anal: It's Ahnel you bastard! The sign company,
the IRS, even my children all call me Anal, but my name is Ahnel!
An exit to peoria comes up on the highway.
Quin: Captain, isn't that a bit too convenient.
Writer: This episode is going to be long
enough as it is. No need to add boring parts of nothing.
Quin: I see.
Iwol turns onto the exit ramp and heads
for Anal's Proctology office.
Iwol: I comin' to get Anal!
Quin: That's sick
Iwol: Just making sure you are awake
Back on DS666 just to pass time
Al: this is boring
Back in 1998
The Pickup pulls in front of Anal K. Ram Proctology
Iwol: This is it, guys.
Booke: It's too dangerous.
Iwol: Shut up, it's only a doc............
Anal is drug out of the office by guys in white coats.
Anal: I'm not crazy! Damnit! My name IS Ahnel K. Rahm!!!!
Man: Yeah, Anal K Ram
Suddenly a shot is heard and the man falls to the ground. another blast
is heard and the other guy falls
Anal tries to run but Butthead Catches him and gives Anal the tounge..................................................meld
Iwol: Quin, reload my shotgun while I drive.
Anal gets into the pickup and they speed away.
A while later...........
Iwol Pulls the truck over.
Iwol: Something wrong officer?
Cop: Sir, are you aware there is a man in your livestock trailer?
Iwol: Oh, he's not a man sir.
Cop: Hey! I don't take well to you racists.
Iwol: First of all, he's not black, but spend 2 minutes with
him and you'll understand.
The cop enters the Trailer.
Cop: Sir, are you OK?
Booke: I'm better than OK, I'M SASSY!
The Cop runs out of the trailer.
Cop: get it away! GET IT AWAY!!!
Iwol starts the truck.
Iwol: I new you'd underst........
Iwol heads on.
Anal: What Now?
Iwol: We find a Motel
Quin: what about money?
Iwol looks at Quin.
Later at the Nowhereville Bank..........
Justin Patterson is making a deposit.
Two Hooded figures and a masked cow run into the bank wielding shotguns.
The cow tramples Justin and shits on his bloody face.
Robber1: Give us all your cash.
Back at DS666......
Al: Can we have sex?
Xenia: I can only do it if I kill in the process.
Al: Oh....................... I see.............................you
Guy: So I'm piloting my shuttle
around and I say "Man I need a Drink" My passenger says try this
Spock Ice so I say "What are you, a Bartender ?" and he says "Yeah"
SPOCK ICE- We're everywhere
Iwol, Quin, Anal, and Butthead are holed up
Writer: huh huh huh "holed up"
The crew has a good laugh.
Something shocking comes on the TV
Reporter: The trial of the still unidentified circus performer is scheduled
for tomorrow. Channel 8 news has just obtained a photo.
The image is displayed.
Butthead: Snort !
Iwol: We have to rescue Korn
Anal: You can't mount an effective rescue without sleep. So I'm ordering
you all to rest.
Booke: Shut up Procto-boy!
Quin: Order? We all outrank you.
Iwol: Shut up, Anal! I'm the captain.
Anal: DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY NAME IS AHNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quin: What are you talking about, Anal?
Anal runs out screaming
Iwol: Well that's just great.
Booke: We can't just leave him in this century!
Quin: Oh yes we can.
Back on DS666..........................
Al: Are you super super super duper sure?
Xenia: For the last time! If I have sex with you I will KILL YOU!!!
Al: So let's go over this one more time...........
1998 (next morning)
Anal is in a redneck bar.
Hillbilly: I tell you what they have all sortsa new fangled gadgets
nowadays. In da futchure they say we'll all be row-bots.
Anal: the future? I can tell you about the future. People will travel
to the stars we will have transporters that will move people across
the world in the blink of an eye.
Redneck: How many has he had?
Bartender: 8, but it's iced tea!
Hillbilly: You feelin' all right Mr..........
Anal: Ahnel Rahm
Redneck: What the hell kind of name is Anal Ram?
Anal: AHNEL RAHM!!!!!!!!
Hillbilly: Yeah, Anal Ram
Anal pulls out a revolver and indiscriminately shoots people.
Anal: MY NAME IS AHNEL!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!
Down at the Area51 base.
Lore and Data are locked up in a jail cell. The guard is bored
so he sticks his hand through the food slot and waves it around at
Guard: Wooo-ooooooo <claws at the air in front
of Lore> rrrrrrrrrrrr
General: Ever since we got them here they haven't moved or said anything.
They're like statues.
Lieutenant: Maybe they need the proper "encouragement"
Suddenly, the voice of the terrified guard echoes through the halls.
Guard: ARRHRRHHHHGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAA!!!!
The two officers run to the scene to find the guard clutching the bloody
stump where his arm used to be.
General: What the hell happened.
Guard: OOOOOWWWWWWW!! I stuck my....... my arm OOOWWWWW!! in
th-the cell and the <sobs> android took it.
General: Were you teasing prisoners again?
General: Well I hope your satisfied. You're in a pool of blood.
Yeah I'm pretty satisfied right now. Wish you could join me.
Lieutenant: We might be able to reattach it! Hey! You in there!
Give us that arm!
The arm flies out into the lieutenant's chest .............. and out
through his back and becomes embedded part way in the wall.
General: Too bad this is classified. I'd be sure to win that
prize money on America's Funniest Home Videos.
Lieutenant: Help ............... me
General: Oh, all right. MEDIC! MEDIC!
yup, I'm a hero
Data: Brother, was that really necessary.
Lore: Yes, yes it was.
a movie so breathtaking.......
It'll make you want to
take a great big dump!
BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD MEET VOYAGER
Pooris: What's wrong with Tupok?[he taps the Vulcan
on the shoulder and Tupok falls
over like a statue]
Pest: Oh my goodness! This is just awful! [suddenly
smiles, the crew flinches] I'd better
take him to sickbay.
Pooris[faking a smile]: I'll go with you.
As soon as they take Tupok into the turbolift
and the doors close Pest screams then a
Butthead: What a dumb chick.
Beavis: Yea really
Chuckuptay: Who are you? What are you doing here?
Butthead: I'm Butthead. Who the hell are you?
Chukuptay: Fine. When you're ready to tell me
who you really are you can leave the brig.
Ensign Expendable take these two away!
Expendable: Aye sir
Coming soon to a theater
near your butt.
Outside an Arkansas courthouse...............
Reporters are gathered at the incredible event. For the first
time ever a man is going to court and nobody knows his name. To top
it all off- he is some kind of circus freak.
Reporter: I am standing outside the courthouse where the so called
"Wrinkle faced man" is about to stand trial. Still, nobody knows
his name or where he comes from.
A truck pulling a cattle trailer parks in front of the courthouse.
Several people clothed in camouflage and brandishing guns run out and
into the building followed by a cow.
Reporter: It seems that even the military is getting involved in this
and......... a cow?
Our heroes run up to a bailiff outside the courtroom.
Iwol: We have vital evidence in this trial!
Iwol: We know who the defendant is.
Bailiff: Whoa! <he opens the door.>
Judge: What is this!?
Iwol: I am General E Straight I am hear to take this prisoner
back to Area51 for de-briefing.
Judge: Now, you should know that I can't allow that.
Iwol: THE SPEECH!!!
Booke: You, sir! Do you think the world runs on petroleum? hmmm?
Do you believe that pandas are harmless? Well, they are not! They are bloodthirsty
evil hell spawn! They must all die!!
By now everyone is staring at Booke with their mouths gaping.
While no one is looking Iwol goes over to Korn and begins cutting the chains
binding him with a bolt cutter.
Booke: SHALOM! SHALOM! DEATH TO THE PANDAS!! SHALOM! DIE! DIE! THE
PANDAS MUST DIE!!! <Booke is now foaming at the mouth> KILL THEM! THEY
MUST ALL DIE DIE!!!!!!!!
Iwol ushers Korn and the others out and then leaves himself.
Booke: SO I MUST GO NOW TO ENACT EXTREME GENOCIDE ON THE BAMBOO DEMONS!
Booke follows the others out.
Lawyer: Hey, where's the circus guy?
Bailiff: Yeah, and those guys just left.
They all jump in the truck and speed away.
Korn: I knew you would come, captain...... Where is the Spock
Iwol: We don't have any.
Iwol: No, this is 20th century earth, the alcohol isn't that strong
Korn: Uh oh.
Anal is ranting in public
Anal: I MUST GET BACK TO THE INTREPID. TO THE FUTURE!!!
I AM AHNEL RAHM!
a car stops near him and two men in black get out. They grab Anal and
throw him in the back.
In the pickup.
Iwol: Of all the times to be without Anal....
Korn: I love you guys. In love Iwol and Quin and Booke
and Butthead and I love the world and all it's creatures.......
Iwol: This is a sad, sad day.
Quin: How long until we get to Area51?
Iwol: Just over an hour.
Korn: I love the Romulans and the Ferengi and the........
Quin: Drive faster.
Iwol: I REALLY wish Anal was here.
They pass a road sign.
Quin: Route 69!
Booke: The Highway o' Lust!
Quin: Uh, oh. Captain, what year is this?
Iwol: I think its 1998 or 99. Why?
Quin: Uhh....No Reason.
The pickup rounds a corner and suddenly slams into something.
Iwol: What the hell?! We hit somebody!
Before anyone can react, Quin grabs a gun and races to the body.
The figure opens his eyes.
Quin?: Ohhhh. (sees Quin) My GOD!!!!
Quin: Sorry about this.
Quin shoots Quin? in the face.
Iwol, Butthead, her Calf, Korn, and Booke run up to Xavier.
Iwol: What the Hell? Why did you do that? And why did you yell "my
Korn: No, do not kill. Here, have a posie.
Booke: I want a posie!!!!
Quin: Where'd he get the posies?
Booke: Hey! Stop eating my posies!
Korn: Tra la la la!
Iwol: Shut up!Shut up!!SHUT UP!!!
Quin: Sir, we must leave no witnesses! Think what it could do to the
Booke: Actually, You just did more harm to the time continuum by killing
him than had you let him live. And I got a pretty good look at him before
you killed him and he looked a lot like-
Quin shoots Booke and then tosses the body of the mysterious blonde-haired
stranger in the weeds alongside the road. Everyone stares at Quin.
Quin: Well, somebody had to shut him up.
Iwol gives Quin a suspicious look.
As they drive away, the body in the weeds begins to glow. Strange blue
lighting strikes the body. Iwol looks in the rear-view mirror.
Iwol: Lightning? On a day like this.
Quin: Uhh, haven't you ever heard of heat lightning? Arora Borialis,
Recent clinical study suggests
that taking Viagra with Spock Ice is hazarous.
Unwanted male and female pregnancy
Waking up with a condom in
you.... and you're a guy!
Certain animal defects.
Please! Do not take Viagra
with Spock Ice!
The pickup arrives at a fence. A guard comes over and speaks with Iwol.
Guard: What is your business here, sir?
Iwol: I'm just here to visit Area 51.
Guard: There is no such thing, sir.
Iwol What about that sign?
Guard: What sign?
Iwol: You know, the one behind you that says Area 51 in big red letters
then in black it says trespassers will be sho....
Guard: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE SIGN!!!!!!
Iwol: OK, then I'll take your word for it. There is no base here.
Iwol: and as such it means this is not a restricted area and I
may enter at my leisure.
Iwol: GREAT! See you later.
The truck smashes through the gate.
Guard: HEY! STOP! STOP! Damn, I don't think he's going to stop.
Iwol: We are probably going to be killed in this attempt. I suppose
I should have mentioned that sooner.
Quin: really? Ya think so?????
Korn: I'm scared. Hold me.
Iwol: Where the hell is that proctologist of mine???
The pickup pulls up in front of a complex of several buildings.
troops run up and surround it, aiming their guns to kill.
Booke: You think those are real guns?
Butthead smacks Booke upside the head.
A jeep driving by suddenly changes direction and heads for the truck.
A dwarf with unusually long limbs steps out.
Dwarf: All of you get out of the Vehicle! NOW!
Iwol nods to his crew and they get out. The dwarf begins staring
The dwarf lowers his head and glares at Butthead. Parts of her
cow skin turn orange with heat and begin to smoke.
Butthead lowers her massive head and stares at the dwarf and
her skin returns to normal, her eyes glow bright red.
The dwarf catches fire and his true identity is revealed. The
fake skin burns away to reveal a gray alien. The alien is short with a
triangular head and huge black eyes. The alien cries out in agony.
A huge explosion emanates from the alien. The strange
shock wave knocks everyone except Butthead and her calf unconscious.
She closes her eyes for a moment and Iwol, Quin, Korn, and Booke wake up.
Iwol: what happened?
Iwol: Oh, right we need to find Lore and Data
Iwol: You can't go in there by yourself!
Iwol: You two against an entire army!!!???
Iwol: Okay......... I think.
Butthead and her calf run inside.
Iwol: I have a bad feeling about this.
Once inside Butthead and her calf are confronted by another gray alien.
The calf spits acid on him then Butthead runs up and stomps on him.
Inside Lore and Data's cell......
Lore: Did you hear that?
Data: Yes. Do you think it could be.......
Data is interrupted as the door to their cell is dissolved away by
Data: Oh, and Calf.
They run out into another hall where they meet thirty gray
aliens. Butthead and her Calf attack them, beating them into a big
sloppy, bloody mass.
Lore: I had no idea.
Lore: That we had so much in common.
Data: Wait! The man who interrogated us said he found Anal!
Lore: I'll go east, you go south, Data
Data: Yes, sir.
As soon as the Androids leave several hundred gray aliens run at Butthead
and her Calf.
To the east......
Lore: I wonder what's in here.
Lore approaches a thick door made of lead. A yellow emblem is
painted on the door. It looks like three fan blades with a dot in the middle
Lore forces the door open and finds a device with the same emblem painted
Lore: What's this?
He begins to tinker with it.
To the south......
Data walks by a cell door and hears someone inside
Anal: Ahnel!! My name IS AHNEL!!! DAMN YOU ALL ALL OF YOU!!!
Data: We have no time for games.
Data breaks down the door, grabs Anal, and runs out.
Data: GOT HIM!!!!
Anal: Who?? Anal or Ahnel?????
Data runs back to where they left Butthead and her Calf.
Data: What the....
Butthead: MOO! MOO! MOO!
Calf: BAAA! BAA!! BAA-aaAAA
Butthead and her Calf are blood red from.. well, blood.
Gray alien corpses litter the area.
Lore: We'd better get moving. I was fooling around with
some device and a bunch of red lights came on and a countdown started.
They run back outside.
Iwol: What the hell happened to you two? <he gestures to Butthead
and her Calf>
Iwol: Hey you found A<he sneezes>hnel!
Anal: You.... you got my name right! He got my name right! Woo-hoo!
Iwol: Let's go.
They all get in and Iwol speeds out of Area51
As they get far away a large booming noise is heard. Iwol looks in
hir rearview mirror and sees a mushroom cloud hanging over Area51
Lore: What?.... What?
Later on the road....
Iwol: So, what's wrong with Korn?
Anal: This is the natural state of Klingons. Normally he
would never be sober, but the lack of good booze here has caused him to
revert to this natural state.
Iwol: What do we do to get him normal?
Anal: Find something at least as strong as Bloodwine.
Data sniffs the air.
Data: Sir, I believe I am detecting something that would help.
Lore snifs the air.
Lore: Me too.
Data: Turn left ahead, sir.
Data: OK, it's next to that structure to the right.
Iwol pulls into to the structure. A large sign there reads "Shell"
Data walks up to a device.
Data: Here, sir.
Iwol reads the wording on the device.
Iwol: I've never heard of..... Ethanol.
Lore: Who cares. Just give it to him.
Iwol picks up a metal object on the end of a rubber hose
Iwol: I think this is a dispenser.
Data and Lore hold Korn down. Iwol inserts the nozzle into Korn's mouth
and begins feeding him Ethanol
Iwol: This had better work.
after a few minutes Korn Suddenly jumps up.
Korn: Captain! Where are my enemies? I LONG FOR BATTLE!
Booke: Do you think it worked?
As they get in the pickup, the gas station manager runs out.
Manager: HEY! I hope you gentelemen aren't planning to leave without
Korn jumps out and beats the Shi* out of him... then snaps his
Korn: Dishonorable bastard!
Iwol: Down boy!
Quin: So, what now?
Lore: The idiot who interrogated us said they found a ship matching
the Intrepid's description in orbit.
Quin: So, how do we get there?
Iwol: I have an idea.
A few days later..
Quin: So this place is called Cape Canaveral?
Iwol: Yup, and there's the space shuttle
Lore: It doesn't look very space worthy to me.
Iwol: Well, not by our standards anyway.
Iwol punches the gas and they fly through the security gate.
Guard: What the hell?
When they make it to the shuttle, there are several astronauts just
getting on the elevator.
Iwol: Get them!
Korn and Lore race ahead and well, if you can't guess what they do
you haven't really been paying attention now have you.
Our heroes(well MY heroes anyway) get on the elevator and ride it up
to the shuttle.
They Strap themselves in and get ready for launch.
Iwol: Damn! They stopped the countdown!
Lore: We'll see.
Lore begins furiously punching buttons. There is
loud roar and the spacecraft's engines engage. Everyone feels the strong
pull of 3 g's
Lore opens his mouth wide and we hear some sort of rock music.
Iwol: Something must be wrong with the inertial dampers.
Quin: I can't find any inertial dampers!
Data: How primitive.
Iwol: Yes! I see it.
Lore stops the music
Data: We should enter the Intrepid's Shuttle bay in about 30 seconds.
Everyone except Butthead and her Calf : SHUT UP!
The shuttle enters the Intrepid and the crew gets out.
Iwol: Look out!
It appears that the US government got there first.
While Lore and Korn distract the enemy by..... well.... killing them.
Iwol moves over to the cargo transporter and beams his crew onto the bridge.
Fortunately nobody has bypassed the security lockouts yet.
Lore and Korn: Awwww.....
Iwol: Lore, release something into the air on all decks except for
the bridge that will incapacitate the soldiers.
Lore: Aye, sir. Releasing syonide gas....
Iwol: I didn't say kill them.
Lore: Oh... too late
Data: Sir! I found all the expendable crewmen in cargo bay.........
Iwol: Hey! Wait a second where's Scotty?
Data: You don't suppose he's........
Quin: No, main characters never die!
Iwol: I think we have a plot hole here.
Writer: I'll fix this, guys.
The intercom beeps
Scotty: Hello, cap'n
Iwol: Scotty? How did you get here? And how are you alive?
Scotty: That's why they call me a miracle worker.
Quin: pretty lame, writer.
Quin is zapped by a power surge
Iwol: Scotty, take us back to the 24th century.
Scotty: Time travel is just too complex, cap'n! I canna do it!
Iwol: You have 5 minutes.
5 minutes later.....
Scotty: Ready, cap'n
The Intrepid's shield shimmer brightly then the ship fades away......
Back in the 24th century.....
The USS Nautilus, a miranda class starship is patrolling the
"Writer is tired" sector.
Unknown ensign: Sir! I am detecting a time distortion! A ship is emerging!
The ensign turns into a mosquito which lands on Beefy who promptly
Another stupid ensign: It is the USS Intrepid. Modified Excelsior class.
A borg drone appears on the bridge. It assimilates another stupid ensign
The next dumb ensign: Sir! I am detecting five incoming dominion warships!
The next dumb ensign accidentally hits the "Kill Me" button.
The replicator makes a spherical device which flies out and vaporizes him.
Back on the Intrepid........
Korn: Captain, five dominion warships approaching!
Iwol: Red alert, shields up, arm weapons.
Data: There is a federation ship here too.
An ax wielding barbarian appears out of nowhere and charges at Data.
Data: Wait! I'm a main character!
Barbarian: Is this set #9 ?
Iwol: No, it's set #4
Barbarian: Oh, sorry.
The barbarian vanishes.
Back on the Nautilus......
Beefy: Time to intercept?
One more doomed expendable: 20 seconds.
The barbarian appears. He runs up and hacks One more doomed expendable
into little pieces with his ax then vanishes.
Beefy: That's a new one.
The Intrepid again.....
Iwol: Fire all phasers!
Korn: All of them?
Iwol: You heard me!
The lights on the bridge dim and the unmistakable sound of power being
drained is heard. A blinding light bursts from the Intrepid. The
first two dominion ships are destroyed.
Lore: I LOVE THIS SHIP!!!!!
Over on the Nautilus...
Beefy: What the hell was that?
Expendable guy: I think it was phaser fire.
Another Expendable guy's phaser malfunctions. It kills him and Expendable
Beefy picks up the phaser.
Beefy: Hmm. There's nothing wrong with this thing.
Back on the good ship Intrepid....
Lore: Sir, they're going after the Nautilus!
Iwol: Fire torpedoes!
A pair of bright red orbs fly out gracefully from the Intrepid. They
Impact against the Jem Hedar's shields producing a shimmering effect.
The Nautilus fires it's phasers at the ship followed by a pair of photons.
The Intrepid fires a pair of quantum torpedoes, obliterating the ship.
Another Jem Hedar vessel slips up from underneath and fires at the Nautilus,
inflicting heavy damage
Iwol: Mr. Korn, Fire all phasers
Korn: All of them?
Iwol: Damnit, what the hell did I just say?
Again, the bridge lights dim and a blinding light bursts from the Intrepid,
slicing through the remaining enemy vessels like a hot knife through butter.
Scotty: She canna take it, cap'n!
Iwol: It's okay, we don't have to fire all phasers again.
Scotty: Actually, I was talking about me holographic girl, but.............
ALL THE PHASERS! OCH! Me poor engines!
Korn: Sir, incoming message from the Nautilus.
Iwol: On screen.
The bridge of the Nautilus appears on the view screen. It is on fire.
Beefy: Captain, that last hit started a warp core breach!
Iwol: Can your engineer stop it?
Beefy: Well... probably, but we were hoping if this thing gets blown
up then Starfleet will get us a better ship.
Iwol: I see. We'll beam you aboard immediately
Later in the conference room......
Beefy enters with Scotty and meets up with Iwol.
Beefy: Is my crew all right?
They look out the window and see the Nautilus blow up in a tremendous
Scotty: Och! I knew I forgot something.
Beefy: What? My crew was on that ship!!??!!??
Beefy: Oh well.
Suddenly, a fat scottish fellow enters.(no, not the other Scotty)
Satan: Hello, captain!
Beefy: That's what we call him. His real name is not pronounceable.
Beefy: How did you escape?
Satan: That is one secret I canna give away.
Iwol: Say, we have a Sovereign class vessel we just stol....
er...... found. If you join me, it's yours.
Beefy: I'll take it.
Satan: Doesn't that have to go through Starfleet?
Iwol: Their exact quote to me was "We don't care what you do as long
as you do it way the hell away from us!"
Iwol: I sort of used an Admiral's husband as a human bomb to destroy
a borg cube...
Beefy: I see.
Iwol: Say, Mr. Writer?
Iwol: It's been a long episode. Can you come up with a dramatic ending
On the bridge......
Writer: Data, could you turn the ship left about nine degrees and pitch
up ten degrees?
Writer: A little to the right......... there! Perfect!
Iwol enters the bridge.
Data: Where do we go?
Iwol: Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning!
Data: Wow! That's a direct course for DS666! What a coinside...
Everyone: Shut up!
The rear End