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Setting: The annual starfleet captain's ball. No Captain, save Iwol, has even tasted a sample of the potent vulcan brew. After all, no self respecting captain would be caught dead drunk at the ball.(sorry captain). In a BRILLIANT (that better?) plan to increase sales, Captain Iwol Chuckup has just spiked every drinkable liquid with a drop of Spock Ice. The Captains begin to crave more.
Iwol: Go on boy! you know what to do!
Iwol releases a small dog. It scampers out in front of the other Captains.
Captains: We here and obey.
Moments later, there is not a dry waste extraction unit in the house.
(Stumbling up to Iwol)The Sisko: hEY, nICE pArtYY hUh?(loses his balance)WhoAA!
Iwol catches the sisko
The Sisko:YoU saVed mY lIFe mAnN. WoULd yoU MAYbE wANt tO cOMe anD sEE my STatIoN soME TImE?
(Dropping The Sisko)Iwol: No johnny, YOU ARE NOT GETTING MY Spock Ice.
Setting:Approxamately one year later, in a corridor
located somewhere on the lower decks of Deep Space 666.
Booke: So Lore why did you ask me to come to this dimly lit and quite secluded corridor? Hello Data.
Lore: I just wanted to ask you if you were really immortal.
Booke: Well, duh. Haven't you seen me brutally mangled into a bloody human pretzle enough times?
Data: Apparently not.
Lore: Immortal, huh.
Data: Brother, I believe this requires further "experimentation."
Lore: Indeed it does, brother.
Booke: Just what do you mean by "experimentation." Hey! HEY! I don't like where you're pointing that phaser! It's violating my personal space! OWW!
When Booke awakens, he finds himself tied up and in a strange room.
Booke: Ohh, where am I?(Looks around) Oh no! I've been abducted by aliens! No more anal Probes! Oh, my god! My Baby! My baby! THEY TOOK MY BABY!!!! Those Gay Homosexual Alien Bastar-...Wait a second. I wasn't pregnant! AND MY BUT's NOT SORE!! (hears a noise) Who's there? Who are you? (a figure steps out of the shadows)Oh, It's you Lore.
Lore: Booke, say hello to Bob, my klingon pain stick.
Booke: Hello BoOARRGGHH!!
Lore: And this is Pierce.
Booke: What is he?
Lore: Oh, just some jagged pieces of rusty scrap metal that I fused together to a handle.
Booke: OWW! Hey! Pierce does not belong up in there!!!!
Several minutes later.
(standing in the doorway)Iwol: We have a situation in the brewary! Come on Booke, hurry up and untie yourself!
On the way to the brewary:
Iwol: The slaves are revolting!
Booke: I knew that!
Iwol: And how did you know this?
Booke: By the smell. And their eating habits are appaling!
Iwol: Somebody SHUT HIM UP!
Lore grabs Booke's ankles and swings him, smashing Booke's head into the wall again.
Iwol: I didn't mean KILL HIM! Well, maybe I did.
Lore: I'll drag the carcass!
Lore grabs Booke by the ankles and begins dragging him, making designs on the floor with the blood seeping from Booke's head as they run.
Iwol, Data, Lore, and the remains of Booke arrive outside the brewary.
Data: Captain, should we kill them with our phasers or just rip out their vital organs?
Lore: Vital Organs! Vital Organs! We could show them their still pulsating brains before they die!
Iwol: Uhh, Lore, I don't think that would work.
Lore: It would if you were fast enough.
Iwol: It doesn't matter! WE aren't going to be doing anything.
Data: What do you mean, Captain?
Iwol: We are going to watch how my new slavemast-, er, "Supervisor" handles things.
Booke: But that's doing something! You said-(Lore shoots Booke with a phaser)
Lore: OOps! Sorry about that. I didn't think he'd heal so quickly. Captain, You can't be serious about this. Letting a girl do an android's job?
Iwol: Just watch.
Booke: Shurely you jest! You expect Lore to sit idely by whilst some-
Iwol: Don't call me Sherly!!!
Booke: I didn't! You saw how it was spell-
Lore: Since I can't join in on all the fun, I'll just have to amuse myself with Booke.
Booke: "Amuse" yourself?
Lore: HEY!!! I was just engaging with you in some friendly horseplay, when you have to go and make it personal!!!
Before Lore can begin mutilating Booke, he is interupted by phaser phire.
(Fireing Twin Phaser Rifles)Xenia Onnatop: Die! DIe!! DIE!!! DIE!!!!
Data: She certainly has a flair for the dramatic.
Lore: My GODDESS!!!!
Booke: Circe? Where?!?
Iwol: No you idiot, Xenia Onnatop!
(Mimicing Beavis)Lore: Heh, Heh. I wish she'd get "onna top" of me!
(still fireing phasers)Xenia: DIE! Yess! YESSS!!
Slave: I, I give up! I give uURRGH!(Xenia shot the slave)
Xenia: YYYYEEESSS! YES!YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! OH! YES!
Data: Captain, should we not stop her? If she continues at this rate, she will have killed all of the slaves in exactly two minutes, forty-one seconds, three-
Iwol: I get the picture. But if you want to, go ahead and try to stop her.
Data: I am experianceing an emotion.
Iwol: Really? What one.
Data: I believe it is...Ohhhh! Captain, I, I believe I am going to explode.
Suddenly Data turns and runs down the corridor and out of sight. Then, a massive explosian is heard, followed by several screams.
Data: Aahhh... Much better.
Several expendable crewman were vaporized, leaving behind only shadows on the wall.
Expendable Crewman0: AAGGHHHH!!!! (Begins making coughing and choking noises.)
Expendable Crewman-69: The Horrer! The HORRER of it all! (Begins making coughing and choking noises.)
Expendable Crewman123465842: My skin! It's, It's MELTING!!!! My Eyes, I can not see!!! AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!(Begins making choking and gurgleing noises.)
Expendable Crewman3: The horrable, HORRABLE STENCH!!!!!! In the name of HUMANITY!!!!(Begins making choking noises.)
Rats appear to consume the bodies, but they too die from the hideous, brown phog.
Data begins to run back towards the others, but stops halfway towards them because they are pointing their phasers at him.
Booke: PHEW! You really cut the Cardasian Limburger!!!!
Iwol: Keep away! AWAY!!!!
Lore: Brother, I didn't know you had it in you!
Booke: Well, he doesn't any more!
Iwol: Go change your uniform!
Data looks down at his now brown uniform.
Data: Apparently my emotion chip has also "endowed" me with a "gift" of a somewhat more human metabolism.
Booke: By the way, nice tan.
Data: But I can not get a -(Realizes that his skin is coated with a thin brown film)...Oh, I see.
Iwol: Data, after you BURN your clothes, I want you to fumigate the entire corridor!
Data, realizing that the entire back side of his uniform is either totally gone or ripped to shreds, places his back to the wall and sidesteps back to his quarters.
Eventually, Xenia stops firing, and stands alone
in the middle of the carnage, panting heavily. Lore runs up to Xenia and
kneels down before her.
Lore: My angel of death!
Xenia: Excuse me?
Iwol: Xenia, this is Lore, the station's first officer and head psychotic. Well, Lore. It looks like someone's out to dethrone you.
Booke: Captain, I'm flattered, but I haven't killed anyone in days!
Iwol: No you moron!
Booke: Hey, I'm no moron. The square root of 443556 is 666!
Lore: I don't care! She can sit on my throne with me! Preferably on my lap!
Lore leans in to kiss Xenia. Xenia fires both phaser rifles at him, severing his body. At almost the exact same time, one of the dead expendable crewman's badly damaged phasers goes off, causes the methane to ignight, and a resulting massive wall of fire sweeps down the corridor and into the brewary, killing those slaves, still alive. The flames barely miss hitting any of the precious, EXTREAMLY flammable Spock Ice. As you've probably allready guessed, none of the flames hit any main characters.
Lore: Oh Baby! Rock my world!!!!
Quin finishes reattaching Lore's Body as Lore finishes telling Quin about how it happened.
Lore: And so then she fires at me!
Xavier: That's too bad.
Lore: No it's not!! I just hope she's that good in bed!!!!
Xavier: Gee Lore, did you ever think that maybe she doesn't like you?
Lore: Oh course she likes me! No offense Xavier, but I don't think I should be taking advice from you. When was the last time you even talked to a woman?
Xavier: Lore, please leave. I don't like to talk about my personal life.
Lore: You're not gay, ARE YOU?!?!?
Xavier: ABSOLUTLY NOT!!!!
Lore: OOh!! Have I offended you? That's too bad!!!! You PRISSY blonde haired Kid! You WUSS!!! What are you? 20? 23? What kind of relationships could you have had in your MINISCULE lifetime!!!!!!
Lore: Oh FUCK!!!! What the HELL are yo-
Iwol: Quin, have you seen Lore?
Xavier: Parts of him, yes.
Scotty: Whaddaya mean laddie?
Xavier: He suffered a massive power overload and blew into fairly large chuncks.
Iwol: WHAT?!?!?!? DAMN!!!! How in THE HELL did this happen?!?!?!?Is his positronic brain okay?!!!!???
Xavier: Well, a portion of his memory was lost when an electro magnetic pulse hit him.
Iwol: And how did that happen?
Xavier: Uhh, one of his flailing arms hit some equipment.
Iwol: Hurry and patch him up before we leave, I need him to go to Bay-shore with us and steal, uh, I mean "recruit" some more sla-, er, "personel" for the brewary. DAMN!!!!
Much Later, as Lore prepares to enter the Intrepid:
Xenia: Hello there, tall pale and yellow eyed.
Lore: (whirls around) Xenia!
Xenia: I thought about your offer, and it sounds like fun.
Lore: Captain! I believe I'll be staying on board!
Iwol runs over to the airlock, but Lore is nowhere to be found.
Iwol: Damn it! Butthead, stay here. Untill, we get back, you're in charge. And tell Lore to try killing the hobos in the jeffry's tubes before killing any more expendables.
Iwol: Remeber, I trust you, so don't lose the station!
Iwol, Booke, Korn, Scotty, Anal, and Quin board the Intrepid and leave for Bay-shore. Data remains on board the station, confined to his quarters, untill the stench wears off.
Later, on Bay-shore:
Iwol, Booke, and Quin pilot a shuttle down to Bay-shore, just outside of a small farming community. Then, dressed in native clothing, they activate several holo-emmiters on the shuttle, thus disguising it as a small bajoran transport.
Iwol: Quin, are the collars ready?
Quin: Yes, sir. The mini holo-emmiters on the collars are ready to be activated.
Iwol: Good...Well, do it!
Quin: Sorry, I was waiting on your command.
Iwol: Who do I look like? Pic-card?
Booke: Any Card!
Quin: Sorry. Its just that I've been feeling kind of odd. And it got worse the closer we got to Bajor.
Booke: Gassy, huh?
Quin: Captain, I believe we have our first customer.
Quin slips one of the electronic collars around Booke's neck.
Iwol: Good idea. We should make shure that they are working properly. We wouldn't want to damage our "customers."
Quin activates the collar.
Booke: WoW! I feel great! I feel like, like...a vacation!
Iwol: Okay, now activate the obediance setting.
Quin taps some controls on his tricorder.
Booke: I wanna go EVERYwhere, I wanna see EVERYARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Booke falls to the ground and begins convulsing violently.
Quin: OOps, better turn it down.
Booke:Ooh, I'm sorry Mommy.
Iwol: Booke, pick up that rock.
Booke picks up the rock.
Iwol: Now, slave, Bash your head with it.
Booke: Captain? (Collor activates) OWWW!!!
Booke begins bashing his head uncontrolably.
Iwol: Okay, stop.
Iwol: Okay, looks like they work fine. Activate thier holo-emmiters.
Quin taps some more controls on his tricorder and suddenly the collars become decorative, yet stylish, Bajoran necklaces.
Iwol: Booke Head into town and initiate phase two.
Booke: But what about phase one?
Iwol: This was phase one!
Booke: Phase one! Of what?
Iwol: The plan!
Booke: What plan?
Iwol: The secret plan to get some more bajoran slaves for the Spock Ice processing center!!!!!!!!!
Booke: GEEZ! It's not gonna be secret for long if you keep screaming like that!
Iwol:(Pointing his phaser at Booke) Get going!!
Booke: Okay, okay.
Later, in the town:
Booke: And so, after I purchased this decorative, yet stylish, necklace; they gave me a free round-trip all expenses paid vacation to any where in the galaxy!!!! Not only that, but they also took me to recieve a FREE blessing from The Emmisary!!!! And then, they offered me a job. All I do is go around telling my fellow bajorans, such as yourselves, about this wonderfull offer. I get paid more than I ever even dreamed about when I was a farmer. And you know what? They might even offer you a job too!
Bajoranguy6: What's the catch?
Bajoranwoman9: Yeah. No deal is THAT good!
Bajoranwoman6: Nobody is STUPID enough to give away that! It would cost them too much!!!!
Bajoranman9: If this is some kinda trick, I'll run you through!!!!
Booke: Hey!HEY!! Keep your pants on! LITERALLY!!! I'm just not that way!!!
Bajoranman9: I didn't mean run you through with THAT. I mean with my-
Booke: I don't care to know!!
Bajoranman6: You're not a very good salesman!
Booke: I'm telling you the truth! It's all being paid for by some ecentric and EXTREMLY RICH guy from earth!!!
Bajoranman2: Oh, yeah, well what's his name?
Bajoranwoman47.143249879: Wow, that is ecentric.
Bajoranguy987986213487: Yeah, and I've heard people from Earth are pretty stupid.
Booke: They most certainly are!
Bajoranman679841354: I want to buy a neclace for my wife, but I want to go on the vacation with her.
Booke: Then you'll have to buy a necklace too.
Bajoranman679841354: Oh. Well, where can we buy such necklaces!
Booke: Gather up everyone in the town, grab all the Latinum you can, and follow the yellow brick road!!!!
Booke: Uhhh, I mean Follow me!!!!
Iwol: He's not back yet? I knew I shouldn't have sent Booke.
Quin: Sir! Look over there!!!
Iwol turns around and stares in disbelief as around a hundred bajorans march behind Booke in their direction.
Iwol: MY GOD!!!! I guess he's good for something after all.
Quin: I'll tell Korn to ready the containment area. Looks like we are going to have to make a couple of trips.
Iwol: If Booke keeps this up, we'll just have to go to a few more towns.
Much Later, after two more towns.
Iwol, Booke, and Quin return to the Intrepid.
Booke: Captain, where too now? First star to the right and straight on till morning?
Iwol: DEEP Space 9!
The Sisko: Why in the Hell should I let you and your "crew" on my station.
Iwol: You were the one who invited me.
The Sisko: And just when did I do this?
Booke: Exactly one year, 6 days, 9 minutes, 34-35-36 (Iwol smacks Booke upside the head) 37 seconds ago.
The Sisko: What?
Iwol: At the Captain's ball!
Quin: And besides, you wouldn't want us to tell the entire quadrant about what you did.
Iwol: And Starfleet wouldn't be too happy about that, either. Especially after all the trouble they went to to cover it up.
The Sisko: You wouldn't.
Iwol: I would.
The Sisko: Allright, you may come aboard. Damn it! You get drunk and swim around in the fountains in front of Starfleet Headquarters after running around town nude, and it just keeps coming back to haunt you!!!
Booke: Looks like someone's a bit cranky. You should eat more fiber!
Anal: I reccomend you use a laxitive.
Worf: No you Fools!!! That could cause unwanted anal irritation!!!! And besides, every one knows that (Begins dance) A glass of prune juice a day, keeps constipation away!
Everyone stares at Worf.
Korn: I just always use my Bat'leth.
Iwol puts his hand over his face and begins shaking his head.
Iwol: I wonder how Butthead is handleing things.
Later on the station
Odo: Kira, you don't really believe that, do you?
Kira: No, I guess not. But still, who would want to spread rumors of entire towns dissappearing? Maybe I should go check it out.
Booke: Odo! Long time no see!!
Odo: No! IT CAN'T BE!! Major, I believe I'll be in my bucket for the next few days.
Odo: Uhh, my yearly regeneration cycle.
Odo liquidates and flows away just as Booke reaches them.
Kira: Who are you?
Booke: The name is Booke...Q Booke. I'm sassy and have a license to kill pandas. I like my women shaken and stirred.
Quin: Allright Booke, leave the nice lady alone.
Kira: You're from the Intrepid, right?
Quin: That's right.
Kira: Commander Sisko wanted to inform you that were are performing a routine security check of all docked ships in four hours.
Quin: I wouldn't do that to the Intrepid if I were you.
Kira: And why not?
Quin: Well, you'd have to get past 253 individial Highly Deadly security systems.
Kira: 253?! Why so many? Why are you so desperate to keep people out?
Quin: Uhh, it's not to keep people out, it's to keep him in.
Booke: I'm SASSY!!!!
Quin: Trust me, they are still a bit inadaquate.
Kira: Well, he's out now, so you can shut them off.
Quin: No thanks.
Kira: Excuse me?
Quin: I said no thanks. I rather prefer to leave them on.
Kira: Now see here-
Quin: Listen, Major, or whatever your rank is, I'd love to stay here and listen to you rant, but Chief O'Brian is scheduled to give me a tour of your station's engineering room.
Booke: I'll go with you!
Booke and Quin head for engineering. Kira, stunned because this is the first time anyone has ever spoke to her that way, stands motionless as she watches them leave.
O'Brian: What took you so long?
Quin: Well we were detained by
Booke: Some Bit-(Xavier smacks Booke upside the head)
Quin: Some Kira woman.
O'Brian: Oh, you mean Major Kira.
Quin: I think that's her.
Booke: What a bitch huh?
O'Brian: What did you say?!
Booke: I just said-
Quin: How nice the major is.
O'Brian: That's not what he said.
Quin: He, uhh, has a slight slur. He ment "What a babe huh?".
Booke:Eww! NO I-(Quin stomps on Bookes foot.) I Meant "What a bit, huh?".
Booke: Refering to the word as it was used by the anchient civilization of Mayans on Earth.
O'Brian: Well...What does it mean?
Booke: It, means, uh Strong Woman!
O'Brian: Ohh. Well, anyway. I'd like to start in engineering and eventually work our way through the teleporter room and into ops.
Booke: No, Ops.
O'Brian: No, That's not what I meant!
Booke: Well, what did you mean? I just said oops cause I was feeling the texture of the surface of that big red button that said "DO NOT PUSH" when my finger pressed down a bit too hard and I didn't know whether that counted as a push or not.
Computer: Warning! Station life support will be shut down in exactly 30 seconds. Warning!
O'Brian scramble's to fix the problem. Quin reaches under one of the panels and flicks the "FIX EVERYTHING" switch.
O'Brian: How did you do that?!
Quin: We have a switch like that on Deep Space 666.
O'Brian: I didn't know about any switch that says "FIX EVERYTHING"!!
Quin: Well, it wouldn't be a very exciting program if you did.
O'Brian: That's it! We will conclude this tour in the teleporter room in 3 hours!!!!
One hour later.
Quin is walking along the promenade. Ever since Booke encountered some Bajoran preists and they declared him "The Evil One", nearly all of the civilian population of the station, who just happen to be mostly Bajoran, has remained in their quarters out of fear of encountering Booke. So the promenade is somewhat empty.
Dax: Quin? Quin Xavier??
Quin:(Turns around and stares Dax directly in the eyes.) Dax, is that truely you?
Dax: Yes, but how did you know? I'm not exactly the woman you once knew.
Quin: You, my dear, have a very beautiful and unique soul.
Dax: I always knew you wanted me for my soul!!
They begin to passionatly kiss. Meanwhile, Worf emerges from Quark's after having his daily tall frothy glass of prune juice.
Worf: Ahh, nothing like being regular on a quiet day.
As he rounds a corner, he sees Dax and Xavier. Infuriated, he charges towards them. Worf grabs Xavier and shoves him to the ground.
Worf: Jad'zea, How could you?!!?!
Dax: Sorry, I guess I just got caught up in the moment. We're old friends.
Worf: Who are you?!!
Quin gets up. At 6 foot 1, he stares Worf directly in the eyes.
Xavier: I am Quin Xavier!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!!!
Worf: I am Worf, son of Mog! What were you doing to my Jad'zea, MY WIFE?!?!
Xavier: Listen, Woof, I don't like it when people come up from behind to attack me!! You dishonorable coward!!! (Shoves Worf to the ground.) And what did it look like we were doing! WIFE?¿?!!!
Worf: YOU HAVE DISHONORED ME!!! I WILL KILL YOU!!!!
Xavier: No!! I WILL KILL YOU!!!(Xavier punches Worf) Stupid FREAKIN KLINGONS!!!! YOU KNOW NOTHING OF HONOR!!!!!! DIE!!!! DIE!!!!!!! DIE!!!!! (Worf falls to his knees.) TelL Me, WoOf, Is iT a GOoD DAy TO Die?!!?¿
Woof, er Worf: OHhhhh, It is not honorab-
Dax shoves Xavier and kneels down by the now bloody Worf.
Dax: Regardless of our past, Worf is my husband!!
Quin: Dax, how could you?
Dax: My name is Jad'zea now! And how could you!!
Quin: When you died, and you came back as a man, I thought it would be best if I stayed out of your life. And then I just kind of lost track of the years.
Dax: You could have at least been my friend! I missed you so much. I had no idea whether you were still alive or not!
Quin: You know better than that.
Dax: Its possible.
Quin: I am the Last!!
Dax: How can you be shure?
Quin: I, I can't. Not after what happened last time.
Dax: I love Woof, er, Worf, and I won't leave him, nomatter how much she loved you. Nomatter how much I love you.
Dax kisses Quin.
Dax:(whispering to Quin) She loved you with all her heart.
Quin: So did I.
Dax: I'd better get Worf to the infirmary and have his memory of this erased.
Quin: Isn't that illegal?
Dax: Lets just say Doctor Bashir owes me a favor or two.
Dax begins dragging Worf towards the infirmary.
Quin: Maybe next lifetime?
Quin turns and begins walking in the opposite direction as Jad'zea once again begins dragging the bloody, unconcious Worf towards the infirmary.
Quin turns around and gives Jad'zea a questioning look. Jad'zea simply smiles at him. Quin begins to walk away again.
He starts to enter Quarks, but looks down at his blood covered hands and decides not to. Then Quin sees Garaks shop.
Garak is trying to sell some clothes to a woman.
Garak: And this is my finest dress.
Bajoranwoman: I'll take it!
As Garak picks up the dress, the back of it is exposed.
Garak: Oh dear.
Bajoranwoman: OHh!!!By the prophets!!!! The Evil One has been here!!!!!!!!!!!
The back of the dress has blood all over it.
The woman runs out of the store screaming.
Garak: Well, this is certainly bad for buisness.
At about the same time
Quin walks up to Quarks.
Quark: Come in! Come in!! See the grudge match of the century!!!! Place your bets now!!!
Quin: What are you talking about.
Quark: Come see two of the greatest competitors in the quadrant!
Quin: (holding Quark up by his collar)Listen you little Ferengi, I AM NOT in the best of moods. So why don't you tell me what you are trying to say, before I have to make you.
Quark: Uhh, certainly, I'd be happy to, if you would just put me down.(Quin dropps Quark.) Hey, do I have to call security?
Quin: Get on with it!
Quark: Okay, okay. Inside, you will find a man known only as Scotty trying to outdrink the station's resident champion, Mourn. They've been at it all day, and niether one is winning!
Quin shoves Quark out of the way and goes inside. He sits at a table in a dark corner in the back and begins to sob. He drinks Spock Ice untill he passes out.
Meanwhile, near the front of the bar.
Scotty: Ah, Laddie, tis nae good. This filth ye call bloodwine tis nae strong enough. Bring the Spock Ice! Are ya up to it, Mourny?
Mourn shakes his head yes.
Scotty begins to guzzle down the potent vulcan brew. Mourn drinks two glasses and becomes so drunk, he passes out and falls to the floor.
Iwol: Ha! Pay up suckers!!
Jake: Thats impossible!!
Nog: I knew we shouldn't have bet!!
Iwol: Well, you lose, so show me my latinum!
Nog: We, we don't have the mo-
Jake: Uhh, that is we don't have the money just yet.
Iwol: Tell ya what boys, why don't you just give me something of equal or lessor value of yours, or, say, your father's.
Jake: What do you mean?
Iwol: Well, Jake, ya know that Baseball that sits on your dads desk?
Jake: NO!! My Father loves that baseball!!!
Iwol: You love living don't you?!
Nog: Wait just a second Jake.
Jake: NO! Look we'll get you the money.
Iwol: I don't want the money!! I knew you didn't have it in the first place, I wanted the baseball all along!!!!
Jake: You BAsta-
Nog: JAKE!!!LISTEN TO ME!!
Jake: What is it?!
Nog: Your father doesn't have to know.
Jake: Of course he'll know!! It sits on his desk!!!
Nog: No! We could give Captain Chuckup the real baseball, and replicate one for your father.
Jake: Or Vice Versa!
Iwol: I don't think so, I want the real one.
Iwol: And just to make shure, I'll go with you.
Jake: But who's gonna distract my dad?
Iwol: I'll handle that.
Iwol: (over communicator) Chuckup to Korn. I have a job for you.
About One hour later
The Sisko and Kira are on the promenade.
The Sisko: Where in the hell is Iwol? He called me down here, saying it was urgent and then he isn't even here!
Kira: I don't trust him or his crew. They're up to something.
Korn and two expendable's enter the promenade.
Expendable guy12: Are you shure Captian Chuckup wanted us to just stand here?
Korn: Impudent dog! You dare call Korn, son of Krap, a LIAR!!!!
Their argument arouses the attention of The Sisko and Kira.
Expendableguy13: He wasn't questioning you, he was questioning the motive's of Captian Ch-
Korn: DO NOT CORRECT ME!!!! You dishonor captain Chuckup!!!!
Expendable guy12: No he just meant-ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Korn pulls out his Klingon K'nife and begins to hack the two expendable crewmen into bite-size pieces.
The Sisko: MY GOD!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU're DOING??!!?
Korn:(Calmnly) I'm preparing Brunch.
Kira and The Sisko: What?
Korn: It's a meal located between breakfast and lunch. You don't get filled up like at breakfast or lunch, but it comes with a nice slice of Cantelope at the end.
Kira: You're going to eat them?!?!?!
Korn: Just the organs and fatty tissue. I make the skin into a decorative poncho.
Kira: You sick Bastard! Those are people, not snack foods!
Korn: You dishonor me! They are expendable!!
The Sisko: (over communicator) Odo. We have a situation. Send a full team of security to the promenade emmidiatly! Odo? Odo! Where the hell are you?!!
At about the same time.
Nog: Hurry up Jake.
Jake: I'm coming. Captain, are you shure this is going to work?
Iwol: Shut up and get in here kid. You are going to be the one to do all the dirty work.
Jake: What? Why me? I can't do that to my father!!
Iwol: You can, and you will. Now give me the ball.
Nog: Uhh, shouldn't we replicate it first?
Iwol: No need. I prereplicated this one. It appears to be exactly like Captain Sisko's, but
Jake: But?! What do you mean? It has to be exact!
Iwol: Come on Jake. You didn't really think I was going to let it be exact, did you?
Iwol: Where's the fun in that?
Nog: What's different about it? It looks the same.
Iwol: On the outside, it is. On the inside its mostly the same, but-
Iwol: Shut up! You're ruining my dramatic moment!! Well, as I was saying, on the inside its got-
Jake: Got what?
Iwol: Fine! Now you'll never know!
Iwol takes the ball from Jake.
Jake: Tell us!
Iwol: No. Here, put this on his desk.
Iwol hands Jake the ball and Jake places it back on Sisko's desk.
The Sisko: (over communicator) Iwol! Get down here immediatly!!!!
Iwol: (over communicator) I'm on my way.
Iwol: Well, boys, our buisness here is done.
Jake: You lousy bast-
Iwol punches Jake.
Iwol heads for the Intrepid to place The Sisko's ball in his quarters.
Iwol finaly arrives on the promenade.
The Sisko: Where have you been!! Your officer has allready killed 12 of my security officers!
Iwol: I had to drop something off first.
The Sisko: I don't care! He's your officer, do something!!!!
Iwol: Okay, okay. Hey Korn!
The Sisko: I want him in the brig NOW!!!!
Iwol: I will punish him accordingly.
The Sisko: NO! He's on MY station, killing MY officers, and I want him in MY brigg!! NOW!!!!
Iwol: Damn it! Korn, go to the brig.
Iwol: Do it! I'll think of something.
About half an hour later in the infirmary.
Bashir: Welcome Dr. Ram.
Anal: Thats not my name!!!
Bashir: Really? Thats what it said on
Anal: I don't care you bloody twit!
Bashir: Excuse me?
Anal: I, I'm sorry. My name is Ahnel K. Rahm.
Bashir: Oh, I'm sorry Dr. Rahm.
Anal: You, you said my name correctly! You said my name correctly!!!!
Bashir: Yes... Why wouldn't I?
Anal: Uhh, no reason.
Bashir: Well, anyway, my name is Dr. Julian Bashir.
Anal: Pleased to meet you Julia.
Bashir: What? I said my name is Bashir. Julian Bashir!
Anal: Thats what I said, Julia Badear.
Bashir: No you idiot! I said Julian Bashir.
Anal: Yeah, Julia Badear! I wasn't going to mention this, but since you like calling people names, Julia is a girl's name!
Bashir: My name's not Julia!!
Dax: Will you two be quiet! You'll wake up Worf!
Anal: Yeah, Julia.
Bashir: Thats it! Dr. Rahm, get out of my infirmary!!!!
Anal: Fine. I'll remember this Dr. Badear!
About a half of an hour later.
Quin and Booke enter the telporter room.
O'Brian: Oh, no. Why did you bring him?
Booke: I don't know, he just followed me.
O'Brian: No you idiot! I meant
Booke: HEy! I'm no idiot I'll have you know that I'm the most i-
O'Brian: I don't care! Lets just get this over with. These are the most advanced teleporter systems in Starfleet.
Booke: You could make them better.
O'Brian: What? I desighned these personally and there is no way in hell that you can make them better.
Booke: You could vastly increase their range if you-
O'Brian: Listen you litte-
Booke: Listen you big-
Xavier: Shut up! Both of you! I AM NOT in the mood for this!
O'Brian: You can't increase the range without defying the laws of phsyics!
Booke: You wouldn't be breaking them, just twisting them around a bit.
O'Brian: Prove it!
Booke: Fine! When I'm finished, these puppies are gonna be able to teleport something from here to the other quadrant!
Booke begins working at a furious pace.
Xavier: Uhh, I wouldn't let him do that if I were you.
O'Brian: Why not? I mean, he'll never get past the security lockouts. And how much damage can he do from one control panel?
Booke: Well, since you asked so nicely. I've accessed your medical records and pulled up a sample of your DNA and used that sample to help me erect a forcefield around me and the control panel that is specific to your DNA so you can't interfere. I'm presently accessing your and Captain Sisko's personal logs and I'm messing them up pretty bad. As of now, you began life as a woman, but had a sex change, and then had it changed back when you met Captain Sisko. You then gave birth to his son, Jake. And then you met your present wife so you had it changed back.
O'Brian: What?! You can't possibly be doing all that! You son of a -
Booke: Uh, uh,uh! We've just about reached the allowable percentage of those kind of words. Anymore and they might take away our PG 13 rating! And besides I've allready finished doing that. Presently I'm working on the teleporter and setting up cascade viruses so that if anyone trys to stop me by way of another terminal, the stations life support will be shut down. Well what do you know, looks like I'm done! Now all I need to do is pick a target and activa-
Xavier punches Booke. As Booke falls to the ground, his hand accedentally hits the controls.
O'Brian: How did you do that?
Xavier: Oh, it was easy, I just cocked my arm back and then thrust it forward.
O'Brian: No! How'd you get past the force field?!
Xavier: It was configured specifically to your DNA, remember?
O'Brian: Oh, yeah.
Booke: Ohh, Well, Dave, I tried to get Bob's DNA but there wasn't any on record.
O'Brian: I thought Starfleet requires a sample from everyone.
Xavier: Boy Bob in trouble.
O'Brian: What? The important thing is that we stopped him before anything bad could happen.
Suddenly the room begins to violently shake.
O'Brian: Whats going on!
O'Brian: What did you do you little basta-
Booke: Smiley, remember the rating!
O'Brian grabs a steel bar which just happens to be lying nearby and smashes Booke in the face, knocking him unconcious.
Much later the Station is over run by Jem Hadar. Iwol, Sisko, Kira and
a few others have managed to hold onto a small section of the promenade.
Korn was freed from the brig and is now running around killing Jem Hadar
with his krusty Bat'lef. Quin Xavier can be seen heading for the infirmary
carrying a long, glowing broadsword and beheading Jem Hadar while mumbling
something about the old code.
Booke wakes up to the sound of phasers being fired.
Booke: Wha? Where am I?
The Sisko: You're in Quarks.
Iwol: You God Damned LAZY ASS BASTARD!!!! You teleported hundreds of Jem Hadar to the station!! You've gone too far this time!! Why don't you make yourself useful and go draw their fire!
Booke: Or I could just tell them to stop.
Iwol turns his phaser on Booke.
Booke: No! I'm serious.
The Sisko: What do you mean?
Booke: Well, if there is a changeling on board, then it would listen to me.
The Sisko: What makes you say that?
Booke: Well, when I was a Q. I decided to "adopt" a species.
Booke: You know, like Q did with humanity?
The Sisko: So what are saying?
Booke: I'm saying, I kind of watched over the changlings. You know, I watched them evolve, helped out a bit when I thought they needed it. Kind of guided them as they created the Dominion.
Iwol: YOU GOD DAMNED LAZY ASSED SON OF A MOTHER FU-
Kira puts her hand over Iwol's mouth.
Kira: Remember the PG 13 rating.
Booke: Yeah, just one or two more and we become rated R!
Iwol: Shut up you Son of a bitch!
The Sisko: Shut UP! Booke, go on.
Booke: Well, if he says anymore then we lose our PG 13 rating.
The Sisko: NO! I meant about the Dominion!
Iwol: (Straining, trying not to cuss.) Yes, Booke. DO TELL!!
Booke: Boy are you lucky you don't have heart problems. You'd be dead by now.
Iwol begins furiously choking his..............first officer.
The Sisko: Thats enough!
Booke: Like I was saying, Changelings all kinda have this wacky idea imprinted into their genetic codes that I am God.
The Sisko: They think that you are God?
Booke: Believe me, I'm nothing like god. I mean he's much taller.
Suddenly the station begins to shake. The sounds of lightning and thunder can be heard.
Booke: Uh, oh. I've said too much.
Kira: Uhh, what was that?
Booke: Uhhh... THat doesn't matter, I need to get to my voice broadcasted across the station.
O'Brian: I think I could use your communicator to patch you into the stations communication system.
The Sisko: But you said that the changelings were the ones who thought that, not the Jem Hadar.
Booke: Well, I'm hoping there's a changeling on the station.
Several minutes later
Booke: (over the intercom) I am the great and powerful Oz!!! Uh, I mean Booke!!!!!!
Jem Hadar: Exaulted one, what is wrong?
Changeling: It, it, can't be.
Booke: (Still over the intercom) You've all been very naughty! Naughty, naughty, NAUGHTY!!!!
Changeling: My god, it is him!
Booke: (Yes, still over the intercom) Go back through the teleporter. For such is the true path to true sassyness.
Much later, after all the Jem Hadar and changelings have went back throught
the teleporter, the crew of the Intrepid prepares to leave DS 9.
Meanwhile, in the shuttle bay.
Booke: Captian, please, don't do this.
Iwol: I'm sorry, Booke. But you've gone far too far this time.
Booke: But captain!
Booke is strapped into a the pilots seat of a shuttle. The shuttle is then put on auto pilot and sent towards the wormhole. Needless to say, the crew of the Intrepid partys all the way back to DS 666.
The Intrepid arrives at Deep Space 666. Iwol, Quin, Anal, Korn, and Scotty enter the promenade only to find Booke sitting on a giant emerald throne in the middle of the promenade.
Q Booke: Ah, Captain Chuckup. Welcome to my station, Sassy Space 69.
Iwol: Son of a Bitch!!! Butthead, I thought I told you NOT to lose the station!!!!
Butthead lowers her head.
Iwol: DAMN IT! SON OF A BITCH!
Censor: Thats it! This episode is now rated R!
Iwol: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU FU-