Station log: Stardate 4668.1 . With the Spock Ice recipe back where it belongs, things are back to normal. However, I can't seem to shake the feeling that Billy is still out there plotting against us. On a lighter note, I finally got those lazy repairmen to come fix the table in my office. It's been broken ever since I arrived here. Those morons don't get around to the easiest tasks for weeks!
The Enterprise-A has just returned from it's five-day misson. Captain Kirk is to meet with me shortly- I can only imagine what he has to say.
The door to Iwol's office whooshes open and Captain James T Kirk storms in. He runs up to Iwol's desk and slams his fist into it, causing it to shatter.
Iwol: Son of a....
Kirk: What the hell is that... that- thing doing out there?
Iwol: What thing?
Kirk grabs Iwol's bronzed Hockey Puck and throws it hard, smashing into Iwol's porcelain Hitler figurine.
Iwol stands up an gives a fierce look to Kirk.
Iwol: IF YOU ARE JUST GOING TO BREAK STUFF THE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TAKE THIS TO BOOKE'S QUARTERS!
Kirk: How dare you support starfleet's half-ass remake of the Enterprise!
Iwol: Oh, that's what this is about. We actually stole it, but if anyone asks we 'found' it.
Kirk: Well, that's different, I guess. Could you rename it, though? Something like the 'Extraprise' or 'Boobyprise'
Iwol: I'll think about it.
Kirk: OK, sorry about the desk and Hitler.
Iwol: No problem.
Kirk leaves. Iwol picks up his bronzed hockey puck, tosses up in the air, catches it, and sets it back on his broken desk.
Meanwhile at Quark's.......
Lore and Xenia Onatop are sitting at a table together.
Lore: So, we're trapped in this cell and the damn guard sticks his hand in starts moving it around and making noises. So, I rip his arm off. The guy starts crying like a baby and a couple of guys show up and one demands I give the arm back. So, I throw it through his torso and it gets stuck in the wall behind him.
Xenia: That's such a romantic story.
Quin: Aww... it's spring and love is in the air!
Lore: Hey! Shut up! We're in deep space- there's no spring you moron!
Quin: Pardon me.
Lore: THAT'S IT!
Lore jumps up and beats the crap out of Quin who lies on the floor in a bloody and dismembered heap.
Xenia: If you think this act of pure violence is going to turn me on then..... you're right!
Lore walks up to Quark.
Lore: I'd like your most romantic holosuite program.
Quark: Ahh, excellent. How about this program. It takes place in a hu-man medieval setting. Birds chirping, soft music, a nice soft bed.
Lore: No! Romantic, dumbass!
Xenia: How about the Word War 2 concentration camp- with all those dead bodies... ooh!
Quark: You are sick. I mean REALLY sick.
Lore: If you weren't so good at finding me suppliers for illegal weapons I'd kill you right now.
Quark hands Lore the program.
Quark: I... uh... was just kidding.... no hard feelings...?
Lore: Who cares. I just wanna get laid.
As the two psychotic lovers go up the stairs to the holosuites everyone the bar collectively shakes their heads.
Writer: I'm sorry about the next scene. It HAD to be done though. But
I really am sorry......
Writer: Who the hell are you?
Censor: I'm that guy you kept locking up in a dark place every episode.
Writer: Oh. So, what the hell are you doing out!??!
Censor: The upcoming scene must be modified to keep our PG-13 rating. I will therefore replace all inappropriate words with the word perverse.
Writer: OK, just this once.
Lore and Xenia wade through a pile of decaying corpses.
The stench of rotting flesh amongst the pile of naked decaying bodies excites
the two lovers. They embrace.
Lore: I love you.
Xenia: Shut up and strip!
Lore: Yes mam!
Lore discards his uniform and stands only in his underwear and socks.
Xenia: My god! You're hung like a Clydesdale! That could hurt.
Lore: Whoops. Had it set on 'Klingon'
Xenia: Leave it.
Xenia removes her uniform. Lore is surprised and excited to see that she doesn't wear a bra. Lore kneels down and removes her panties with his teeth. They drop to the ground and a line of ragged, sickly jewish people are lined up next to them and shot. One of the dead bodies falls on top of them.
Xenia begins to perverse Lore's perverse.
Lore: Oh, baby!
Lore sucks on one of Xenia's perverses while gently squeezing the other.
Writer: Hey! If comedy central can show animated boobs I can sure as
hell type the word.
Censor: I dunno.
The censor has a brief seizure.
Censor: OK. OK!
Writer: Now, where was I? Ah, yes.
Lore sucks on one of Xenia's breasts while gently squeezing the other. Gaining a groan of pleasure from Xenia. As they roll around, blood and pus from dead bodies covers them.
Back in Quarks.....
A large view screen is showing all the action.
Puking noises are heard throughout the bar.
Some guy: Damnit, Quark! Turn it off!
Iwol walks in.
Iwol: What the f....
Another guy: Goddamnit! Turn that off!
Quark fiddles with the controls.
Quark: It's jammed!
Iwol pulls out his phaser, sets it on "Damn that's hot!" And fires at the screen, obliterating it and a small section of the bar.
Everyone begins clapping.
An extra: Thank you!
One more extra: Way to go!
Quark: Captain! I demand you pay for the damage!
Iwol: Quark, what is your biggest money- maker now?
Quark: Slave trading.
Iwol: And who's your biggest customer?
Quark lovers his head.
Quark (dejectedly): you are
Meanwhile, in the holosuite (didn't think you'd get away that easy,
Xenia wraps her legs around Lore's chest.
Lore: Wrong spot, isn't it?
Xenia puts extreme pressure on lore's chest. Pressure that would suffocate a human.
Xenia: Yes! Yes! Ye..... hey.... can you breathe?
Lore: Well, yeah, but I don't have to.
Lore: I'm an android.
Xenia: So... you're not dieing?
Lore: Oh, I see. This was all to kill me, eh. We'll see about that!
Lore shoves Xenia off.
Lore: You like it rough eh!
Lore perverse his perverse into Xenia and begins to perverse back and forth. Perversing faster... and faster.....and faster! Suddenly they both feel a perverse. Lore lies down next to her and smiles.
Lore: That was nice.
Xenia is panting heavily.
Xenia: Wow! That's sex! I never did it because I killed my lover first every time. It almost feels as good as killing!
Lore: It sure does.
Writer: My god, Bones. What have I done?
Bones: What you had to do. What you always do do- write something really sick just to get a cheap laugh.
Writer: Oh, yeah. Let's just hope we didn't screw up the PG-13 rating.
Expendable girl: No! Don't! You have so much to live for.
Expendable guy: Don't try to stop me! I want to die.
Expendable guy steps in front of Lore.
Expendable guy: HEY HEY! <begins thrusting his pelvis>
Iwol and Butthead are walking to the turbo lift. They hear a loud crunch, a woman screams, then a splat.
Iwol: What the hell?
Iwol: You never know around this place.
Later in Ops......
Iwol: Current rate of Spock Ice production?
Lore: 10 gallons per minute, sir.
Iwol: That's horrible!
Iwol taps the intercom.
Iwol: Xenia, the production is down. Get those slaves working.
Down in the Brewery...
Xenia sets her phaser on "Big Pain" and shoots several slaves who cry out in agony.
Xenia: Pick it up! You lazy bastards!
Back in ops...
Korn: Captain, incoming transmission from the Buttoxian home world.
Lore: You mean...
Iwol: On screen.
Although Iwol had been able to avoid laughing before, the appearance of the Buttoxian is too much. It looks like a human's rear end with eyes.
Runs: I am runs, religious leader of Buttox. and.......... what's so funny?
Everyone is laughing their own buttoxes off. Thinking quickly, Korn puts a phaser on 'painful' and shoots at Iwol
Iwol manages to stop laughing.
Iwol: Oh, nothing.
Runs: You are Captain Chuckup?
Runs: Then you are the one spoken of- The Brewmaster
Iwol: The what?
Runs: You will find the divine hole and meet the people inside.
Lore: You mean..... Klingons?
Even under the pain of the phaser, Iwol can no longer hold back the laughter.
Runs: No, the hemroidian gods.
Runs: Well, yes. Why?
Iwol: No reason.
Runs: I bid you farewell.
For then next 36 minutes, the crew laughs.
Quin: Sir, I'm detecting strange energy readings 12,000km away.
Iwol: On screen.
The main viewer activates. An odd reddish and blue tint is seen against the normal backdrop of space.
Iwol: What is it?
Quin: I'm not sure. It kind of looks like a...
Suddenly the colors disappear in a flash. Then a large swirling hole opens in the heavens.
Quin: It's a wormhole.
Lore: It worked! My readings show that it's stable.
Korn: Sir, emergency transmission from the colony on Berushda IV. My god! They're running out of Spock Ice.
Iwol: Damn! I have to stay here and examine the wormhole. I'll have to send my most trusted officer.
Booke: Why, thank you captain!
Iwol: What!? How the hell did you get off the Intrepid?
Booke: Get off? I don't swing that way! But wow! I get to command the Intrepid all my self! Woo- h..
Iwol: Not you, you twit! I meant Butthead!
Booke: But I'm the first officer!
Iwol: Yeah right. Like I'm gonna put YOU in command of a starship!
Booke: You'll have to catch me first!
Booke runs off.
Iwol: Stop him! Butthead, get to the Intrepid first! Hurry!
They all run down the corridor, chasing Booke. Lore catches up and jumps on Booke. He then begins beating the crap out of him. lore stops and looks down at the liquid mass of blood and other fluids mixed with bits of bone. The liquid flows around and begins to take a humanoid form.
Lore: We don't have much time.
Iwol: Butthead! Hurry!
Butthead rounds the corner and looks down the long corridor leading to the Intrepid. She hears footsteps behind her.
Butthead kicks Booke, sending him flying backwards. She scampers down the hall.
Computer: That procedure is not recommended.
Computer: Override confirmed. The airlock doors both open up revealing the Intrepid's interior.
As butthead nears the doors they begin to close. She leaps forward, flinging her body forward in the air.
Butthead lands just inside the Intrepid. She hears a smack as Booke hits the door.
She runs as fast as she can up to the turbo lift.
Back in ops...
Lore: Butthead is onboard the Intrepid.
Iwol: Seal off that deck!
Korn: Sir, there are 322 expendable cre- never mind.
Booke has just finished knawing through the first door and, with all his teeth broken is now fiddling with the manual override.
Just as booke gets the door open a loud 'thump' indicates that the docking clamps have been released. The slight pressure between the Intrepid and the station push the ship away..... and fling Booke out into space. Booke's horribly swollen and bloody body floats just within reach of the Intrepid. As Booke reaches out in pain, the ship warps away.
Booke becomes frustrated because he can't talk in a vacuum.
Korn: Captain, Booke is outside the station. Should I beam him back?
Down in DS666's launch bay........
Iwol: Now, you're sure nobody is going to know this is stolen?
Quin: Not a chance. I even repainted it.
Lore: They had better not!
Lore and Iwol get in the stolen runabout. Quin quickly leaves. As soon as he's out the runabout lifts up onto the station's outer hull and lifts off, headed for the wormhole.
Lore: We will enter the 'Lore Rulz' wormhole in 20 seconds.
Iwol: Lore, I don't think that's a very good name.
Lore: well, you know what?
Lore: Kiss my as....
Suddenly the 'Writer Kicks Ass' wormhole opens before them. The beautiful swirling energies silence Iwol and Lore as they pass through this glorious tunnel. Then it all fades away, replaced by the usual backdrop of space.
Iwol: that's odd, these are the same co-ordinates for the bajoran wormhole.
Lore: Say, captain. Isn't that a dominion fleet over there heading this way?
Iwol: Oh shit! Back through! We have got to go back....
They turn the runabout around and head back through the wormhole.
Lore: What the.... We're slowing!
Lore: Crap! We're heading for that planet!
Iwol: Planet? In a wormhole?
Lore: Looks like it.
Iwol: Initiate emergency landing procedures!
Lore: Better known as the Oh shit! we're gonna crash! procedure
Lore and Iwol brace themselves against the console.
Iwol and Lore: OH SHIT!!!!
Iwol slowly awakens and looks around. Lore is already up.
Lore: It's beautiful.
Lore looks around and sees a hellish landscape full of fire, brimstone, and rotting corpses.
Iwol: It sure is.
Iwol looks around and sees a hellish landscape full off fire, brimstone, and a bunch of naked babes.
They pause to take in the sight. Suddenly a glowing object appears it moves towards them.
Iwol: What the f....
A blinding flash knocks them out.
Iwol awakens and finds himself on the Intrepid.... but with the old crew!??
Captain Nachef: It is corporeal. A physical entity.
Iwol: eh? I thought you were dead. and what's with all the fog?
Lt Robinson: It communicates linguistically.
Iwol: Eh? Well, duh. Hey, I thought you got killed after you left.
Iwol: You know, when I slept with you and you started talking all this emotion crap. Then you requested a transfer and left..... wait. All you people are dead. Maybe I'm dead.
Butthead: What is it referring to?
Captain Nacheaf: It is confused.
Iwol: You aren't who you appear to be, are you.
Butthead?: It is a reasoning being. Sentient
Iwol: What is going on here?
Lt. Robinson?: It is inquisitive
Iwol: Cut that out! What's going on?
Butthead?: It is interactive.
Iwol: Damnit! Stop that!
Captain Nacheaf?: It is aggressive.
Butthead?: We should destroy it. Now.
Iwol: Not a good idea.
Iwol: If you kill me then other will come after me.
Butthead?: You will tell us about your species.
Iwol: Well, I'm human. We are a peaceful people now, although we used to be otherwise.
Captain Nacheaf?: Used to be?
Iwol: A long time ago we were warlike...
Butthead?: time? ago?
Iwol: Yeah you know. Before now.
Robinson?: What do these terms mean? before, time?
Iwol: You have no time, do you?
Iwol: Well, I'll try to explain this....... wait a second. Where did you get the images of these people, and this place?
Captain Nacheaf?: Your mind.
Iwol: If you can read my mind then why do you need to ask me questions? I mean, don't you already know everything I know?
Robinson?: Uh.... uh.....
Butthead?: OH! The human's right! Quick! Think of something!
Captain Nacheaf?: Uh..... Um, This has all been a... a bad dream. ooo!
Robinson?: ooh... a bad dream!
Butthead?: A bad dream!
Captain Nacheaf?: A bad dream! OOOH!
Iwol is hit by a blinding light and loses consciousness.
Lore: We crashed on a planet. There was this glowing thing. I saw a flash then I was floating in space.
Quin: The captain?
Lore: I don't know.
Data: The wormhole's opening!
Everyone stares at the screen. They see a runabout come out.
Data: We don't know if it's him yet.
Everyone: Shut up!
Korn: We are being hailed.
Lore: On screen.
Iwol: So, how many dead expendables with you in command?
Lore: What? I can't believe this! I'm appalled that you would even suggest I....
Korn stands proudly
Iwol: Thank you, Korn.
Lore(mumbling): stupid Klingon...
Iwol: It seems there are aliens living in there.
Lore: What? How?
Iwol: Dunno. They are pretty dumb though. Also, none of you are to mention this in any logs or other records.
Iwol: I'll have to fill out a damn report. They have everything from "What color was their ass" to "What kind of hairstyle" Then, I get losers calling me every damn day asking about stuff I didn't mention. Then I have to explain that I didn't mention cause I didn't know. It's a major pain in the ass.
On the Intrepid......
Beefy: Well, that was a successful mission.
Satan: Aye. I'm glad Iwol let us stay here until the Enterprise -E is repaired.
Beefy: What? But, the Captain's on the station.
Satan: Time distortion? Where?
The lights begin to flicker.
Beefy: What the....
A light breeze begins blowing a few sparks begin to appear. The wind then picks up to a very strong gale and sparks fly everywhere.
Satan: What the hell?
A large formation of yellow energy appears on the bridge. Inside it are two red dots. Slowly something fades in around the dots. It is Butthead and Iwol is with her.
Iwol: Kill Booke.
Satan: What the...
Iwol(?) takes over the helm. Butthead? takes the weapon console.
Iwol(?): We will reach the station in 34 minutes.
Beefy: they don't hear you. If I'm right they have lost all mental capacity except for what they were thinking of when they traveled through time.
Satan: I detected a time distortion. It seems to be from an alternate timeline in the past.
Iwol(?): Arm all weapons.
Iwol(?): Yes, all of them.
Scotty: All the weapons!!?!?! OCH! Me wee poor engines!
Satan: Damnit! Iwol(?) locked out the bridge controls! I canna bypass the lockouts!
Beefy: What now?
A while later on DS666
Lore: Captain, the Intrepid's coming back.
Iwol: Oh, good.
Data: Sir, all the weapons are armed.
Iwol looks at Data questioningly.
Iwol: All of them?
Data: Yes, sir.
Iwol: Hail them.
Korn: No response, captain.
Iwol: Open a channel.
The view screen lights up, showing the Intrepid's bridge. Iwol sees himself and two Buttheads on the bridge.
Iwol: What the fuc....
Iwol: Oh, I see. Where's Satan and Scotty?
Iwol: No, seriously. Where?
Iwol: Oh, come on. I might be open to the idea of one of them fitting in the jeffries tube, but both of them? Nah.
Butthead: Snort... SNORT!!
Iwol: Now, wait a second you're saying that Satan and Scotty are both occupying a jeffries tube.....
Back on the Intrepid....
Iwol(?): Excellent. Divert warp power to the deflector dish to send out and energy beam. And also lock all weapons on target.
Iwol(?): Yes, all of them.
Over on DS666......
Data: Sir, they've locked all of the weapons onto Booke and are charging the deflector dish.
Iwol: All the weapons??
Data: Yes, sir.
Lore: Oh, I almost forgot. The little bastard is still floating around in space.
Quin gets a worried look on his face and starts some calculations.
Iwol: But, let's get back to Satan and Scotty in the same jeffries tube. I want to see proof, Butthead.
Quin rushes up to the view screen.
Quin: You have to stop them! If all the Intrepid's weapons are fired on an object as small as Booke, it will rupture the time/space continuum!
A force beyond anything a humanoid brain could comprehend is unleashed. In an instant, everything in the universe suddenly ceases to exist.
Iwol and the entire DS666 crew awaken in an odd place. There are no
walls, floors, or ceilings. Just a white lite. Q appears.
Q: Well, now you've gone and done it!
Iwol: What happened?
Q: Your other self just caused the destruction of the Universe!!!!!!!!!!
Lore: was anyone killed?
Q: Only about 123,214,246,535 quintillion sentient beings ......... and 8 Q!
Lore begins sobbing. Iwol put a hand on his shoulder.
Iwol: Don't cry. It wasn't your fault.
Lore: I know. That's why I'm crying.
Iwol: So, Butthead. Let me get this straight. Satan and Scotty were both in the same jeffries tube.....
Will the universe stay destroyed? Is everyone really gone? Did Scotty
and Satan fit into the same jeffries tube at the same time?
Find out in the next episode!