Lore: Dammit! I ordered Spock Lite!
Lore grabs the bartender.
Security guy: Sir, come with me.
Security guy: I have a signed order from your arrest.
Lore: that was quick. I only killed that girl 2 hours ago.
Security guy: What girl?
Lore: Wha?.... er.... nothing....er..... nobody. never mind.
The Security guy handcuffs Lore.
Lore: Wait a minute... is this some kind of sexual thing? Cause-if it is, I want you to know I'm a straight guy.
Korn and Anal are watching from a distance.
Korn: Uh oh, the jig's up.
Anal: Let's get the hell out of here!
Anal and Korn book passage on a Ferengi smuggler...... er transport ship and put as much distance between them and Starbase 25.80697580113 as possible.
Lore is lead into an office. The person who meets him is shocking to say the least.
Lore: AHHH!!!! It's the wicked witch of the west!!!!!!!
Adm.. Nacheaf: That kind of attitude won't get you anywhere.
Lore: Say, tall, dark, and gruesome, what am I charged with anyway?
Adm.. Nacheaf: Genocide!
Lore: Oh, that.
Adm.. Nacheaf: Yes, that. You released poison gas into the atmosphere of the Packled Home world!!!!!!!!
Lore: OH! You meant that.
Adm.. Nacheaf: What did you think I meant?
Lore: Oh.... nothing.
Adm.. Nacheaf: Not one of the Packleds on that planet survived!!!!
Adm.. Nacheaf: They all died a painfully slow and agonizing death!!
Adm.. Nacheaf: 4.7 billion Packleds died!!
back on DS666........
Iwol: Look, I don't give a damn what he did, I need him!
Adm.. Puppet: Look, we have very conclusive evidence.
Iwol: What evidence?
Adm.. Puppet: That cannot be revealed before the trial.
Iwol: Well, that's it! I'm coming over there.
Adm.. Puppet: NO!! Please! Uh... wait... I can...uh...
Iwol stabs the off button on his console.
Iwol walks out of his office and into ops.
Iwol: We're taking a little trip.
The cover to a jeffries tube is kicked out. Booke emerges.
Booke: Oh boy! an excursion!
Iwol: Not y...
they hear the lift coming up.
Booke: uh oh..
Booke runs and hides behind Korn's console.
Scotty steps into ops.
Scotty: Where is e??? Where is e??? I'm gonna fry that little bastard!!!
Korn grabs Booke by the nose and lifts him up.
Scotty runs over and grabs Booke.
Scotty: Where is it?? Where did ye put it, ye heathen!!!!
Booke: Uh... what?
Scotty turns Booke upside-down and shakes him. Several cans of freska, some mentos, some half melted chocolate rabbits with the heads bitten off, and a small electronic device fall out.
Iwol: Say, that kind of looks like the Intrepid's antimatter containment field emitter.
Scotty: IT IS!!!
They scramble over to the transporter pad. Data operates the controls.
As the scene of ops fades away, Iwol sees engineering in chaos.
Alarms are going off everywhere, and the air is filled with smoke and other fumes. Scotty runs over to an open panel and inserts the device.
The alarms stop.
Computer: Antimatter containment now at 100%
Iwol and Scotty: Phew!
Iwol: I thought you said you had precautions to keep him out of here!
Scotty: I do! I canna figure out how he got by the proximity mines, the class VII force fields, the anestizine gas, and this android I built.
Scotty gestures to what appears to be a large man of Austrian descent. An expendable crewman walks in. The android whips out a shotgun and kills him.
Iwol: How long until this ship is operational.
Scotty: Two weeks.
Iwol: Damn! I have to go to Lore's trial!
Scotty: That's odd. I think I know a way to fix the Intrepid in a few seconds, but that information has totally disappeared from my mind.
Iwol: Say, the same thing happened to me. Damnit!
Iwol's communicator chirps.
Satan: I just wanted to tell ye, we have completed all repairs on the Enterprise-E.
Have you fallen victim to medical malpractice, a star ship crash, or hot koffe? We can get you millions of bars of gold pressed latinum!!(of which we'll keep 95%) Stop by our office sometime! We can turn a tiny-ass insignificant injury into a huge monetary settlement!
Iwol, Anal, and Korn are standing outside the airlock to the Enterprise-E.
Iwol: OK, Korn. While we're gone I'm leaving you in command. Make sure to punish Booke for that mishap today.
Korn: It is most honorable.
Iwol: Well, I think the station is in good hands.
Iwol and Anal pass through the airlock.
Korn stands there and watches the ship depart.
His comn badge beeps.
Data: Sir, a Klingon Bird of Prey is requesting clearance to dock.
Korn: Clearance Granted.
Data: Shouldn't we ask who they are first?
Korn: No, they are my brothers!
Data: I never knew you had brothers.
Korn: It's a Klingon term. They are of my house so... WAIT! Why am I telling you this? Just grant clearance!
Data: Yes, sir.
The docking clamps engage and the airlock opens. Several Klingons emerge.
Korn: Kabbage! Karrot! Kantalope! Welcome to my post!
Kabbage: Ah! Korn. I see you have the Spock Ice brewery! You must be drinking up all the profits! ha ha ha ha
Korn grabs Kabbage and slams him hard to the ground, breaking bones.
Kabbage: Ha! I see you haven't lost your touch!<he gets up>
Kantalope: so where are we going on this hunting trip?
Kantalope: What!? What could we possibly hunt here??
Korn shows them a padd. The Klingons growl with satisfaction.
As we zoom in we see that the image on the padd is Booke.
Booke is standing at a podium,
addressing a crowd of people.
Booke: Uh.. Kill the Pandas..... Kill the Pandas... Kill all Pandas... and also get all the Pandas and make them dead..... kill more Pandas... and oh, yea kill some more pan...
Lore: Pest problems?
Lore fires a weapon at Booke. Booke's
skin begins to bubble and swell. He screams then is silenced as his whole
body explodes. The audience cheers.
Lore's Violently Painful Weapons:
we do pests too.
Iwol is awakened by the beeping of the comm system.
Iwol: Chuckup here
Beefy: We've docked at the station.
Iwol: I'll be there shortly.
Iwol and Anal exit the Intrepid. Once on the starbase they are confronted by two security men.
Security guy: Are you Captain Chuckup and Anal K Ram?
Anal: My name is Ah-nel you shit for brai-
Security guy: Please come with us.
The security guys grab Iwol and Anal and shove them forward.
Anal: Hey! Don't shove!
Security guy2: That's an ironic statement coming from a guy named Anal Ram
Anal: Damnit! My name is Ahnel Rahm!!!
Security guy: Yeah, Anal Ram.
Anal: You fuc...
Iwol: Oh shit.
Packled: We are smart! We still look for things. Things that make you go to HELL! We are strong!
Iwol: No, you're not.
Packled: We are smart!
Anal: I don't think so.
Packled: WE ARE SMART!!!
Security guy: I think I'm gonna have to side with the captain on that one.
Packled: We are strong!!!
Iwol: Annoying at least.
Packled: You will die! We are too powerful!!!!!
At this, everyone within earshot begins laughing furiously.
Packled: You laugh, but we are smart! I am smart.
Iwol: Okay, you dried out old bitch! I want to know what the hell I'm
doing here and it had better be good!!
Adm. Nacheaf:: What????? HOW DARE YOU!
Iwol: Stuff the snob act where the sun don't shine and start talking!
Adm. Nacheaf(trembling with rage): We figured out where Lore got the biomedic gel to build his bomb. In order to open the storage compartment for the gel, a medical officer and someone with the rank of captain or higher must authorize it.
Anal: Uh oh.
Iwol: You have no proof.
Anal: Sir, I'm afraid that Lore often documents his.......... activities.
Iwol: Oh shit.
Adm. Nacheaf: Oh yes! We finally have enough evidence to send you off to prison!
Iwol: See you in hell.
Adm. Nacheaf: Get them out of here.
Iwol: What about our agreement? You wouldn't want me to tell everyone abo-
Adm. Nacheaf: That's the best part. Being involved in something so horrible, nobody would ever believe you. Good bye, captain.
Iwol: You'll regret this.
Adm. Nacheaf: I think not, captain. I've been waiting for this day for a long time.
Back on the USS Intrepid..........
Scotty: No, I canna leave my post. I hafta get this beastie fixed before the captain gets back.
Scotty: Scottsman do'na need rest, lassie.
Scotty looks up from his work.
Scotty: Well, I suppose I could use a drink.
As they walk to the airlock, a pair of expendable crewmen snap to attention
and salute Butthead.
The crewmen return to their normal stance. As they follow Butthead and Scotty out, a temporary glitch in the station's computers causes the airlock to suddenly unlatch, blowing the two crewmen out into space. The gravitational pull of the station quickly pulls the ship back into place. The crewmen both are killed in a very painful and gruesome fashion.
down in Quarks....
When Quark notices Scotty entering the bar, he quickly removes the Bottomless
cup of Spock Ice and the all you can eat salad bar from the menu.
Quark activates his intercom.
Quark: Quark to brewery; Scotty Just entered the bar.
in the brewery...
Xenia punches a button on her control panel. A pile of sleeping slaves in the corner suddenly jump up.
Xenia: GET TO WORK, YOU LAZY SHITS!
Ferengi waiter: Here's your Spock Ice.
Butthead grabs the bottle in her mouth and tilts her head back. Her view is momentarily obstructed and as soon as she lowers her head she notices the table has a pile of empty Spock Ice bottles and piles on either side of the table.
Scotty: <*BURP*> MORE!
Butthead begins to calculate Scotty's total volume vs. the total volume of Spock Ice he just drank when her thoughts are interrupted by a loud shrieking noise that resembles a woman's scream.
Everyone in the bar cheers and they all run over to get a good view of the promenade. Butthead notices a thin wire that is attached to the wall opposite to the bar. Quark grabs the loose end of the wire and pulls it tight. Suddenly, the source of the shriek is discovered; Booke comes running down the promenade and trips over the wire. Several Klingons, lead by Korn rush up and begging hacking Booke apart with their k'nives.
The Klingons stop.
Korn: Uh... hi, Butthead.... uh..... are we doing something wrong?
Korn: Well, we're sorry.... I uh......
Booke begins to get up. Butthead stomps on his head, shattering his skull and sending brain matter flying everywhere.
Korn: Sorry, we'll never start without you again!
back on Starbase 25.80697580113......
Security guy: Hey, Butt Ram you got visitors.
Anal: Listen, you dumb ass! MY NAME IS AHNEL RAHM, DAMMIT!!
Security guy: Whatever.
An old man and woman enter.
Anal: Mom, Dad!
Woman: Hello, son.
Man: Hi, Anal.
Woman: I told you, his name is Ahnel.
Man: Right, his name is Anal.
Anal: Captain, these are my parents Semon Rahm and Rodger Rahm.
Rod: You can call me Rod.
Lore: So, we've got Rod Ram, Seamen Ram, and Anal Ram.
Seamen: Anal, your Aunt Fagina sent a lawyer.
At this point Lore begins laughing hysterically.
Iwol: Lore is right to laugh at you, Anal. Your relatives' names are just plain sick!
Anal: Please tell me she didn't send.....
A flamboyant character suddenly appears.
Pimpdaddy: YO!YO! Pimpdaddy is in da house!
A pair of barely clothed women stand at his side.
Anal: Oh god...
Pimpdaddy: Hey, Anal! What's hapnin' bro?
Anal: Well, I'm.... on trial.... for accessory to genocide.
Lore: I committed the genocide!
Lore: Wha.... OH! Right..... uh.... never mind.
Pimpdaddy: Hey! I don't care what you did, just don't touch my ho's or I cut you.
Iwol(whispering): Don't worry I called my own lawyer.
Lore(also whispering): Hey, so did I.
Guard: Hey, you guys. You're wanted for more interrogation. Your lawyer will meet you in the interrogation room.
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise-E
Maintenance guy: We've detected a malfunction in your ship's transponder. Specifically, the ship identification.
Beefy: What kind of malfunction?
Maintenance guy: Well, according to our records, the USS Seig Heil is not a star ship.
Beefy: Well, the ship is still on it's shakedown cruise. I guess the database hasn't been updated yet.
Maintenance guy: Well, according to regulations I still have to check it out.
Beefy: Well, normally I wouldn't mind but......
Maintenance guy: what?
Beefy: Well, my chief engineer's wife just left him and he's really depressed. The only thing that keeps him from suicide is his pride in this ship. If he saw someone else working on it, well I'm just afraid it might push the poor guy over the edge.
Maintenance guy: Oh, well in that case just run a diagnostic on them.
Beefy: Consider it done.
The maintenance guy leaves.
In the interrogation room...
Lore: Captain, am I to understand that Al the Ferengi is your lawyer?
Iwol: Well, I'd like to see you do better.
Lore: Who ever heard of a Ferengi lawyer anyway?
Al: Well, since I've completely memorized all of Federation law, especially all the loopholes, this was a natural move for me.
Lore: I see.
Iwol: So, Lore who is your lawyer?
Lore: Captain, let me introduce you to Johnny Cockrane VII
Iwol: You mean?
Johnny: That's right! My great great great great great granddaddy defended OJ Simpson back in the late 20th century.
Anal: This is getting a bit silly.
Johnny: That's funny coming from a guy named Anal Ram.
Anal: DAMNIT! SON OF A FUC....
Iwol: SHUT UP!
Adm. Puppet: Listen, we called this meeting to ask you questions not to become aquatinted with our lawyers. Now, Lore did you commit genocide against the Packleds?
Johnny whispers something to Lore. Lore whispers back. This continues back and forth for a while.
Adm. Puppet: I see. Iwol, did you conspire with Lore to commit genocide the Packleds?
Iwol and Al whisper back and forth a bit.
Adm. Puppet: So, Mr. Anal did you conspire with Lore to commit genocide?
Pimpdaddy and Al whisper back and forth a bit.
Anal: First of all, my name is Ahnel. Second, no.
Pimpdaddy jabs Anal with his cane.
Anal: And...uh.. don't touch my lawyer's ho's or he'll cut you.
Adm. Puppet: That's it. This is too sick. The Anal Ram guy was bad enough...
Anal: Damnit! My name is Ahnel Rahm!
Adm. Puppet: But now he's got a lawyer named Pimpdaddy who threatens to cut people if they touch his ho's.
Lore: Also, his father is Rod Ram, his mom is Seamen Ram, and he has an Aunt Fagina!
Anal: SHUT UP!
Adm. Puppet: I mean, really! Who the hell names their kid Anal? Especially if their last name is Ram!?
Anal: YOU F....
Anal is interrupted when an expendable crewman enters the room.
Crewman: Captain Chuckup, there's a private communication for you.
Iwol walks out the door. A scream is heard and everyone looks to find the crewman dead.
Lore: Why is everyone looking at me like that?
Johnny(whispering to Lore): That won't help our case much.
Lore: Really? I thought it might help.
Iwol starts to ask a question but thinks better of it.
Iwol: I'll be back shortly.
A guard leads Iwol out into a small room.
Guard: no funny stuff.
Iwol: Computer: relay my message here.
Butthead appears on the monitor.
Iwol: Me and Anal..
Anal(from the other room): It's Ahnel!
Iwol: How the hell did he......... anyway we were arrested on charges of being Lore's accomplices.
Iwol hears Booke scream in the background.
Iwol: I see Korn's busy.
Iwol: What's your status?
Butthead: Snort, snort snort...... snort.
Iwol: No, that won't help much. However, I may have a suggestion. Remember what we did at that Romulan outpost?
Butthead(smiling in a very sinister way): Snort.
The guard enters.
Guard: time's up.
Iwol: See you later, Butthead.
The display changes back to the usual Starfleet logo.
Two hours later on Deep Space 666....
Butthead has called a meeting of the station's senior officers in the lounge. Korn and Booke are both absent.
Quin: Last I saw him he was killing Booke again.
Korn enters. He is covered with a slimy blood-red substance.
Quin: what the hell is that?
Korn: It is Booke
Korn shakes himself off. The particles of matter fly off and slowly begin to take shape.
The computer plays an old log entry from the Intrepid.
Iwol(Recorded): Captain's Log: Stardate 4643.32
We have been captured and are being held at a Romulan outpost. Surprisingly enough, they have allowed us free access to their outpost- they just won't release the ship. Whatever their scheme is, I don't intend to stick around to see it. We are going to become so annoying to the Romulans, that they will have to let us leave. I only pray this works.
Iwol(recorded): Captain's Log: Stardate 4643.33
Earth crickets are bad, but on Ferenginar the crickets weigh two pounds and are 10 times louder. The site of decorated Romulan commanders going crazy trying to beat these guys was absolutely delightful! The computer virus that played disco over the comn system was kind of entertaining, but I think the highlight of today's work was that the replicators now only produces feces- filled ice-cream cones.
Iwol(Recorded): Captains Log Stardate 4643.34
I'm almost sad to be going. I was enjoying the visit so much. Last night we sent out our entire crew and painted their outpost hot-pink inside and out(as well as writing colorful sayings all over) They forcibly made us leave, however when we made all display screens show Billy's bare ass. I can't blame them either.
Korn: That is disgusting!
Quin: Did we really have to hear about...... ugh.... Bill's bare ass?
Data: AHH! He said it again!
Xenia: I feel dizzy.
Korn: No! Stop saying it!
Booke: What? Billy's bare ass?
Data: Make it stop!!!!! Make it stop!!!
Korn whips out his long K'nife and hacks Booke into tiny, bite-sized pieces.
Xenia: That's enough about that subject.
Data: Ugh... what subject...
Xenia: Damnit! Don't say that anymore!
Quin: In my entire life I have never been so sick.
Scotty: I dinna see what ye're all so worked up about. It's only Billy's bare arse.
Scotty sudenly realizes every weapon in the room is pointed at him.
Scotty: What? ........<snifs himself> WHAT?
Computer: Incoming Public Transmission from Starbase 25.8069758011278803151884206051491
Admiral Nacheaf appears on the screen.
Everyone except Butthead: BOO!
Butthead: Snort! ..... snort.
Adm. Nacheaf: Citizens of the Federation, it is my sad duty to inform you of a horrible tragedy.....
Data hands Butthead a marker.
Adm. Nacheaf: Yesterday, a horrible attack was unleashed upon the Packled home world....
Butthead walks over to the display and draws a mustache on Adm. Nacheaf.
Adm. Nacheaf: .....but the perpetrators of this horrible genocide will not go unpunished.....
Quin punches a few buttons on his console. A hand appears on the screen and begins picking Adm. Nacheaf's nose.
Data: Hey, I have an idea! Butthead, do you have the Starfleet communication override codes?
meanwhile, throughout the Federation...
Billions of people are laughing their asses off( and in Billy's case his bare ass). DS666 has intercepted and rebroadcast the transmission to include subtitles...
Adm. Nacheaf: I want to apologize to the public for this horrible incident.
I'm so sorry.
subtitles: I want to apologize to the public for misleading them about my gender. I'm a man.
Adm. Nacheaf: Tomorrow, a public trial will be held.
subtitles: Tomorrow, I will hold it in public.
Adm. Nacheaf: You can't commit a horrible act without horrible punishment.
subtitle: You can't have great perverse pleasure without great perverse pain.
Adm. Nacheaf: What! someone out there is modifying my transmission! Pay no attention to those subtitles!
subtitles: Help! she's making me her sex slave! Kill me please!!!!
Adm. Nacheaf: Some can't refrain from childish behavior.
subtitles: hurry! It's thursday! She dresses me up like a baby on thursdays!
Adm. Nacheaf: That's it! I tried to be reasonable and maintain the anonymity of the accused, but it seems their friends don't want that. Those responsible are Commander Lore, Captain Iwol Chuckup, and Lt. Anal Ram
subtitles: I randomly accused Commander Lore, Captain Iwol Chuckup, and Lt. Anal Ram.
Anal(in the background): It's Ahnel! Damnit!
Adm. Nacheaf: If Captain Chuckup is convicted, then I will have to take command of Deep Space 666 and halt production of all Spock Ice.
subtitles: I'm a whore and I intend to act like one.
Adm. Nacheaf: If you have any information pertaining to this case, please contact me immediately.
subtitles: a moose once bit my sister...
Adm. Nacheaf: You will be rewarded.
subtitles: No realli! She was karving her initials on the moose with the sharpened end of an innerspace toothbrush given to her by Svenge- her brother-in-law an oslo dentist and the star of many Norweigen movies: "The hot hands of an Oslo dentist", "Fillings of passion", "The huge molars of Horst Nordfink"......
Adm. Nacheaf: I once again apologies for these subtitles. Those responsible are being tracked.
subtitles: mynd you, moose bites can be prety nasti.....
Adm. Nacheaf: I've had enough of this.... Starfleet Out.
Quin: I'll contact Captain Beefy immediately.
Lore is beamed out of his cell and onto the Enterprise-E.
Beefy: Your friends on DS666 want you to do something to piss off Nacheaf. They said you'd know exactly how.
Lore: I do. Send me somewhere on the station.......
The next morning.......
Adm. Nacheaf is awakened to the chime of her communicator.
Adm. Nacheaf: Yes?
Adm. Puppet: Sir.... uh something's happened.
Adm. Nacheaf: What?
Adm. Puppet: You know the entire crew of this station besides us?
Adm. Nacheaf: Yes....
Adm. Puppet: Well..... they've all kind of been killed.
Adm. Nacheaf: WHAT!?!?!? Meet me in the control room!
a bit later in the control room.....
Adm. Nacheaf: So, what the hell is going on?
Adm. Puppet: Everyone except you, me, and the prisoners are dead.
Adm.: Nacheaf: Where are the bodies then????
Adm. Puppet: uh....... they were... uh... that is... they were beamed into space....
Adm. Nacheaf: What did they die from??
Adm. Puppet: They were all murdered in various ways and apparently one at a time.
Adm. Nacheaf: Why.... and how the hell could anyone do that?
Adm. Puppet: well.. I think they were conveying a message.
Adm. Nacheaf: What kind of message?
Adm. Puppet: Well....... you se........ they......uh....kind of arranged the dead bodies to spell something.
Adm. Nacheaf: Well what does it say?
Adm. Puppet: Uh... it says.... that is what he wrote was........well....
Adm. Nacheaf: WHAT?
Adm. Puppet: It says 'Admiral Nacheaf is a filthy lesbian whore." ....and it was coated with a luminescent substance so that it is currently being seen by trillions of people. We've had 4,000 subspace communications today. 100 were people complaining about the vulgarity, 400 were complaining about it obstructing the view of their telescopes, and the remaining 3,500 were people agreeing and complimenting the author.
Adm. Nacheaf(looking a bit insane): damn.......him.......
Adm. Puppet: we should be able to hold out until Starfleet sends replacements- that is as long as no disreputable persons arrive.
As if on cue, the computer beeps.
computer: Transport vessels docking at airlocks 5,6,7 and 8.
Adm. Nacheaf: I suppose we'd better go see who it is....
as they step through the door, Puppet and Nacheaf are stunned by the sight- hundreds of Ferengi marching down the corridor.
Ferengi(chorus): Hi-Ho! Hi-Ho! A loo-ting we will go.....
Adm. Nacheaf: Damn him....
Adm. Nacheaf: we can still have a trial. Come with me.
Adm. Puppet: where?
Adm. Nacheaf: To the brig- we're going to take them to the courtroom.
Adm. puppet: What about a jury?
Adm. Nacheaf: just pay a few Ferengi... they'll work.
Back on the station(in ops)....
Korn: Lore has such artistic talent!
The message written with dead bodies is on the view screen.
Quin: They certainly were.
Korn: true. But I still like the dead bodies.
Quin: So, what's next?
Data: There's a message from the captain coming in.
Iwol appears on the view screen.
Iwol: Damnit! The Bitch is paying the Ferengi as jurors! She's having the trial anyway!
Iwol: Of course! She has no choice to abide by the Martian Court Reform of 2232! Oh hell, they're starting already....... Chuckup out.
Everyone enters the Starbase courtroom. All the furniture has
been stolen. Nacheaf sighs, the Ferengi jurors snicker.
Nacheaf: Only a minor inconvenience. It should not stop us from carrying out due process.
Iwol(whispering): Due process my ass.
Everyone takes their sea- er.... position on the floor.
Adm.. Nacheaf bangs her fist against the wall.
Adm. Nacheaf: This court is now in session. Since the reforms of 2232, the accused has the right to request a different judge or jury on the grounds of possible prejudice. captain Chuckup, as the senior officer you speak for your crew. Do you have any objections to myself or the jury?
Iwol: Well, let me think.....I was responsible for your husband's death and you vowed to enact vengeance on me someday and the entire jury has been paid by the prosecution. I believe I object to the jury and especially the judge.
Adm. Nacheaf: Overruled. Opening arguments will be given now.
Iwol(whispering to Al): Can she do that?
Al: We'll bring it up in the Appeal.
meanwhile on a distant ship......
Billy: damn that Nacheaf! she's already blown it. Well, time for plan B. Come here...er.....uh...you.
Packled: I am smart!
Billy: Yeah I'm sure. Listen very closely; take this device to the starbase's reactor core. Place it on the core and leave before the timer reaches 0 and overloads the core, understand?
Billy: Oh god....... Look go to the big gray thing over there. Go inside and find the big thing with funny lights that makes a noise and put this thing on it.
Packled: What does thing mean? You are smart.
Billy: Ok, Billy just remember it's necessary to kill Iwol. Just don't forget that it's necessary..........
sometime later at the starbase reactor..........
the Packled is there. He looks at the core then down at the device. Then he looks back up at the core.....then back at the device. After repeating this several times he scratches his head.
Meanwhile in the courtroom.....
Nacheaf: Now, who will give the opening remarks for the accused?
Pimpdaddy stands up.
Pimpdaddy: I will, you who- er....your honor.
Iwol: Oh no.....
Pimpdaddy paces back and forth a few times very dramatically.
Al: Wait, I think he has something good.
Pimpdaddy stops and points his cane at the jury.
Pimpdaddy: don't touch my ho's..........or I WILL cut you.
A phaser blast knocks him down.
Nacheaf: Captain! You were supposed to turn in your sidearm.
Iwol: Oh, I did. This is a spare. Don't worry it's only on stun.
Nacheaf: Please hand it to the Bailiff.
Al: Why the hell did you do that?
Iwol: Sorry, I just got mad.....
Al: No, I mean why was it on stun?
back at the engine core.....
the Packled is now attempting to place the device in any opening in an attempt to figure out where it goes.
back in the courtroom....
Adm. Puppet: So, to review we have a recording of Lore planning the attack, gathering resources, and executing the attack. We also have pictures of Lore and Packled corpses posed as his drinking buddies. We also have a subspace message broadcast to all major empires that reads "Ding dong the Packleds are dead! Lore killed them al!"
Nacheaf: thank you. Now, Mr. Cockrane?
Johnny: Now, I have to ask; Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: Why are we even having a trial? I think we're dealing with innocent men here. I think that's clear. Case closed.
A phaser blast knocks him down.
Nacheaf: Captain Chuckup! That is the tenth time in the past hour!
Nacheaf: Court is adjourned until we can thoroughly remove all weapons from the captain.
On the way back to her quarters Adm. Nacheaf passes the Packled.
Packled: hey, where does this thing go?
Nacheaf: Up your ass.
The Packled gets an odd look on his face.
Adm. Nacheaf opens the door to her quarters. Naturally everything
but the kitchen sink has been stolen. the door beeps and she opens
it two ferengi are there.
Ferengi: Mam, we're here to pick up your kitchen sink.
Admiral Nacheaf points to the kitchen and the Ferengi go to retrieve the item. The Packled comes to the door.
Packled: It wouldn't fit.
She begins to ask what he means then she notices the brown smear on the device. She quickly closes the door and locks it.
Now, Admiral Nacheaf was a *ahem* strong woman. She didn't really mind sleeping on the floor, but unfortunately the Ferengi also stole that.
Adm Puppet(from the deck below): Goodnight, sir.
back aboard the Intrepid.......
Quin enters engineering.......
Quin: Scotty, I thought you could use some hel- What the hell...... You haven't done anything! All you've been doing down here is drinking Spock Ice and looking at those dirty magazines!
Scotty: I drunk not am! um.... I no drunk![he falls over]
Quin: I'm going to Butthead!
5 minutes later.....
Quin enters with Butthead
Quin: See! He hasn't done a damn...... WHAT THE HELL?????
Scotty: Ah, excellent timing, lassie. I've just restored the ship to full operational status.
Butthead(looks at Quin): Snort.
Scotty: Well, when do we leave?
Butthead: Snort.[she leaves]
Quin: I'll figure this out! So help me god I'll figure it out![he leaves]
Scotty falls over again.
The next morning.....
The Packled has made his way back to the engine core. The timer now reads 30 minutes
Packled: I am smart!
He stares at the wall for a while, then sits down.
Meanwhile on the Enterprise-E........
Beefy enters the bridge.
Beefy: OK, we've got to get the hell out of here. I think they're on to us.
Satan: But what about Captain Chuckup?
Beefy: He'll be fine. The Intrepid will be here within the hour.
Some doomed expendable: Sir, they're starting.
Some doomed expendable consumes pure sodium. The resulting reaction with the water in his body causes hydrogen gas to be released. The heat of the reaction ignites it and causes the expendable to explode.
Writer: There! Now I've made it educational. Are you people happy now? Damn censors.........
Adm. Nacheaf enters the courtroom.
Bailiff: All rise for the dishonorable Admiral Nacheaf.
The Ferengi jurors eagerly stand. Everyone else just kind of groans.
Nacheaf: This court is now in session. The prosecution will now call a witness to the stand.
Adm. Puppet: I wish to call Anal K. Ram to the stand.
Anal: My name is Ahnel.
Iwol: Anal, this isn't the time for your stupid joke.......
Nacheaf: Yeah, he said Anal
Anal: No, I said my name isn't Anal, it's Ahnel!
Adm. Puppet: Yes, we know you're named after the human asshole. Now please....
Anal: Damnit! You sons of bitches! My name is Ahnel! A-H-N-E-L
Pimpdaddy: psst, that's not how you spell Anal.
Anal: I am not Anal! My name is Ahnel!!!
Nacheaf: If you think I'm going to let you plead insanity..........
Meanwhile at the power core.....
The timer now reads 5 seconds.
Packled: They are smart. I am not strong.
He turns around and tosses the device behind him. Just as the timer hits 0 it touches the core.........
In the courtroom.....
Nacheaf: OK, Anal, or Anal or whatever your name is. You are called to the stand.
An alarm goes off.
Computer: 2 minutes until power core overload. Explosion is imminant.
Al: If during a disaster you are not evacuated by a Federation employee and provide your own evacuation, you are no longer accountable for the alleged crime!
Iwol: Which means?
Al: Leave now and you're off on a technicality.
Iwol's communicator chirps.
Iwol: Excelent timing! Come on, let's go!
Nacheaf: Hey! You can't do that!
Iwol: Watch me.
They run out of the room.
Puppet: We'd better go.
Nacheaf: Yes... of course! I can destroy the Intrepid and him along with it!
Puppet: Attack the Intrepid? Are you insane?
Computer: 30 seconds until overload.
Nacheaf: nevermind, let's go.
meanwhile on the bridge.....
Scotty: damnit, lassie I'm tryin ta get the bloody transporeter working!
Data: Sir, if we are still docked when the station explodes, we may be destroyed as well.
Butthead: Snort, snort snort.
Data: aye sir.
back on the starbase.
Anal: there's the airlock!
Computer: 10 seconds until overload.
Iwol: oh shit...
Aloud explosion rocks the ship, lights flicker.
Scotty: Checking all systems, lassie!
Data: sir, a packled vessle is hailing us.
A Packled captain appears on the view screen.
Packled: HA! We are smart! We have our revenge. We killed your Captain! We are strong!
the turbo lift doors whoosh open. Iwol, charred and still smoking walks onto the bridge.
Iwol: fire quantum torpedoes
Packled: We are smart?
Korn eagerly punches a few buttons on his console. The view screen changes to show the Packled ship explode.
Data: The starship Melbourne is hailing us.
Iwol: on screen.
Nacheaf: You destroyed the starbase! I am hearby charging you wi-
Iwol: Shut up! You and I both saw the Packled confess!
Nacheaf: I shall have revenge!
The view screen returns to the normal view of space.
Korn: The Melbourne is charging weapons.
Scotty: cap'n! that explosion took out our phaser banks and fused the phase induction coil compensator!
Scotty: She canna take it, cap'n!
Iwol: ah, I see. Set course for Deep Space 666. maximum warp!
Korn: They are pursuing.
Iwol: That's fine. I'm willing to bet she's not insane enough to attack the station.
Lore: And if she is?
Iwol: well, then she'll be dead.
The ship begins to shudder.
Data: sir, take a look at this.
Iwol walks over to Data's console. A gauge marked antimatter is sitting with the needle on E.
Iwol: Damnit! Scotty! What the hell happened.
Scotty: Sorry, sir. I spent our gas money on booze and hookers
Iwol: You son of a bitch! I'm going to come down there and kick your ass so hard....
Data: we're dropping out of warp
Booke: You want to know what I think?
Iwol: Shields up! Mr. Scott, do we have photons?
Scotty: I believe so, sir.
Iwol: Korn, fire at will.
Korn, having no idea just who 'Will' is decides to just shoot at the Melbourne.
Iwol looks at the view screen and sees a quantum torpedo headed towards the Intrepid.
Iwol: Mr. Scott, can you give me phasers?
Lore: Too Late!
Iwol: Hang on!
Everyone is knocked to the ground by the hit. Panels explode everywhere, fires break out, and naturally all the expendable crewmen are killed.
Booke: Yeah! Take that!
Lore pulls out his phaser and vaporizes Booke.
Iwol: Scotty, what's left?
Scotty: Just the batteries, sir! I can have auxiliary power in a few minutes!
Iwol: we don't have a few minutes!
Korn: Sir, the Melbourne is also damaged. Their weapons are off-line and the engines are not functioning.
Data: I estimate they will have weapons in approximately 5 minutes.
Iwol sits down for a moment and seems to be considering something deeply.
Iwol: Computer.....Activate self-destruct sequence, authorization: Chuckup-Delta-207
Computer: Does the first officer concur?
Iwol looks down at the pile of ashes that was Booke.
Lore(imitating Booke's voice): Activate self-destruct sequence, authorization Booke-gamma-003
Iwol: Detonation in three minutes.
Computer: Warning! Self Destruct in three minutes.
Iwol: All hands, abandon ship.
Korn: Sir, you're not surrendering, are you? That would not be honorable.
Iwol: Don't worry. I've had Scotty make some modifications to the self-destruct system. When this ship blows up, it'll take them with it.
Korn: It is most honorable!
A bit later, they board a shuttle.
Computer: Self Destruct: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.
Scotty: Ach! Booke's been installing microsoft products again! The self destruct's out!
Iwol: Is there anyway to resume it?
Scotty: only from engineering!
Iwol: you go ahead
Iwol: I have no intention of dying today. I'll beam out as soon as the countdown resumes.
Iwol runs into engineering and messes with the controls.
Computer: warp core breech in 30 seconds.
Iwol: oh hell......
he dashes back out the door and down the corridor...
Computer: 10 seconds until warp core breech.
Iwol enters the transporter room and activates the console.
Computer: warp core breech in 5...4...3..2
Iwol steps onto the transporter pad.
Meanwhile on the shuttle....
The rest of the crew watches as the Intrepid explodes, and shortly after so does the Melbourne
Korn: Most honorable.
Butthead suddenly gets a horrified look on her face.
they all look around and see that the captain is nowhere to be found
Quin: Oh my god.
The interior view of the shuttle craft fades away into the Station's
Promenade the next day................... At Iwol's funeral.
Butthead: Snort, snort snort snort. Moo. Snort he snort snort the best officers snort served with. Snort death is the federation's loss. But even more, it is our loss.
Quin: the universal translatior must have finally deciphered her language.
Butthead: well, I guess I don't have to use my telepathic powers to implant words into your minds anymore then.
Butthead: And now, Captain Kirk will take his body to earth- to fulfill Iwol's final request.
Scotty plays the bagpipes as the coffin/torpedo carried away.
A few hours later on earth.
At a large commune, thousands of hippies make their home. They are the last hippies known to exist anywhere. Suddenly, a photon torpedo comes from the sky and obliterates them all.
Kirk: There, my friend. You can rest now.
back on the station, outside an airlock
Butthead: Lore, Anal said you were leaving?
Lore: Yes, Booke is still unaccounted for after the destruction of the Intrepid. I have to find him to make sure that he doesn't cause more trouble.
Butthead: when will you return?
Lore: When Booke is locked away where he can never return from. Until then, I bid you farewell.<he steps through the airlock and boards a ship>
Butthead: Great. Can things possibly get any worse?
Admiral Ross appears.
Ross: Butthead, we have signed a peace treaty with the Dominion. You have 24 hours to evacuate this station and turn it over to the Dominion.
Butthead: Iwol. you picked one hell of a time to go.