It is a dark time for the Federation. As it turns out Spock Ice not only replaces a Jem Hedar's White but also makes them smarter, stronger, and faster. Billy joined the Dominion and is now in control of Deep Space 666. The Starfleet is 60% destroyed and has nearly lost to the Dominion estimates say the war will be over in a matter of weeks. Lore is still searching for Booke . Korn has joined the Klingon Empire again. Butthead is first officer of the USS Pheonix. Anal and Quin are now assigned to Starfleet Headquarters. Data is first officer of the USS Oddisy. All of the other crew members are unaccounted for, however Scotty is rumored to be somewhere in the Mutara sector.
Starfleet Headquarters at San Francisco, Earth:
Adm. Ross: Now, I know there has been some objection to this, but I feel that it's.....
he is interrupted by the doors whooshing open. A shadowy figure with cybernetic implants stands in the doorway. As it enters the room we see that it is in fact Admiral Nacheaf- scarred and wired up with replacement body parts.
Adm. Nacheaf: Why wasn't I told about this meeting?
Everyone squirms in their seats.
Ross: Must have been some sort of miscommunication.
Nacheaf:: Well, no matter. I am deeply concerned about this plan of yours. This man conspired against the Federation! How can we trust him?
Adm. Paris: And just what do you call that stunt with Captain Chuckup, missy? Your damn revenge cost us the most heavily armed ship in the fleet and one of the best combat officers Starfleet has ever had!
Adm. Nokomoru: shh! Don't get her mad!
Nacheaf: Captain Chuckup was a traitor!
Adm. Paris: traitor my ass!
Adm. Nacheaf lets out a loud roar.
Ross: now you've done it.....
Nacheaf leaps onto the table and runs for Adm. Paris, but she is cut short by a phaser blast. Another figure walks into the room. It's Admiral Cartwright
Cartwright: Amazing what passes for an officer these days!
Ross: Welcome. It's an honor to meet you.
Paris: My god! He doesn't look a day over 50!
Cartwright: Well, during my first year of prison the rapists were after me so I ducked into what I thought was a closet. As it turns out it was a stasis chamber. I was only revived a month ago.
Ross: You're aware of our military situation, what's you're recommendation?
Cartwright: Where's Captain Kirk?
Ross: The Enterprise was captured by Dominion forces.
Cartwright: Boy, we are screwed then!
Ross: Oh no.
Cartwright: First of all, stop just disabling the Dominion ships. It's a war for god's sake, blow those sons of bitchs to hell! Loose the metric system, it sucks. Don't be afraid to violate the Prime Directive, that's what it's there for.
Cartwright: it makes a good plot device. ...........and one more thing; get rid of these spandex uniforms! It's about the gayest thing I've ever seen! Time to go whip some ass!
Adm. Paris: Woo-hoo it's the good 'ol days all over again!
Ross: Excellent. One more matter, there is someone out there attacking ships and removing components. I'm sending a message to all our ships to watch for this person. Dismissed!
We offer top-of-the-line pre-owned Starship components. With the quality and price you'd expect from an honest Ferengi establishment.
In orbit around what remains of the Genesis planet....
A Ferengi transport enters orbit around the planet. A runabout rises from the surface to meet it.
The Ferengi ship hails the runabout.
Al: Ok, Scotty as per the usual agreement, if you don't ask where I got it, I won't ask what you're going to do with it.
Scotty: sounds good, laddie
Al: Oh, there is one thing. I found some stuff in the debris from the Intrepid. I have the Bridge, several phaser banks, and a transporter buffer.
Scotty: The bridge was still intact?
Al: Yeah, tough ship.
Scotty: Aye. Have ye located my other.....item yet?
Al: Not exactly, but I have a good idea.
Scotty: Did ye get everythin'?
Al: Well, I have a class XII warp core, a computer core, 12,000 pounds of duranium, four subspace field coils, a 15gw fusion reactor, and 400 gallons of Spock Ice.
Scotty: 400 gallons?
Al: It's all I could find on such short notice.
Scotty: Better ration it......
Meanwhile onboard the USS Pheonix in the Deneb sector....
Idiot ensign#1: Sir! Dominion warship entering this system!
Idiot ensign#1 suffers a complete skin failure and collapses into a heap of goo.
Butthead: Red Alert! Captain to the bridge! Raise shields and bring weapons on-line
Idiot ensign#2: Vessel is within firing range!
The ship is struck by weapons fire. A panel explodes and kills Idiot ensign#2.
Butthead: Fire photon spread, pattern omega2.
Jellico enters the bridge just in time to see the Dominion warship crippled by the photon volley.
Jellico: You know I'd be a more effective Captain if you'd let me do my job.
Butthead: Well stay on the bridge all the time and maybe you'll see a little action.
Jellico: Status of that ship?
Idiot ensign#3: It's main power is offline.
A malfunction in the ship's artificial gravity crushes Idiot ensign#3 .
Jellico: Send over a boarding party.
Butthead: Shall I lead it, sir?
Jellico: Oh yes, yes of course.
a few moments later aboard the Dominion Warship...
Butthead and a few expendables energize on the bridge.
Vorta: Kill them!
A short struggle ensues, as you might have guessed all the expendables are killed instantly and Butthead defeats the Jem Hedar.
Vorta: Bastards! You shall never complete the Genesis project!
Butthead: Genesis project? what's that?
Vorta: Don't insult my intelligence! We know all about the federation cloak!
Butthead: Genesis was abandoned like 50 years ago! And it was a planetary reforming device that never worked not a cloak!
Vorta: we have our sources.
Butthead: Ferengi are known to take bribes from both sides and just lie to everyone.
Vorta: They are? Oh damnit! Damnit! Hmm, that does explain a lot though....
Butthead, tired of listening stuns the Vorta and beams back to the Pheonix.
Onboard the Pheonix.
Jellico: Butthead, we've set course for the Archives on Veranda IV. They sent an urgent distress call that they were under attack.
several minutes later..
Yet another ensign who shall die: Now entering orbit around Veranda IV.
Yet another ensign who shall die, fearing his entire life that he may die prematurely is wearing an armored suit to protect him. The oxygen fails on the suit and he suffocates.
Jellico: hail them.
Commander Jarvin appears on the screen.
Jellico: Who attacked you
Jarvin: well, actually it was a Ferengi vessel but it sent false sensor readings so we thought it was a dominion fleet. They stole only one item, and it is absolutely imperative that we recover it immediately!
Jellico: What is it?
Jarvin: Well, uh I can't say.
Butthead: So how are we supposed to find it?
Jarvin: Is this a secure channel?
Butthead hits a few buttons.
Butthead: It is now.
Jarvin: It is the prototype for a Federation cloaking device.
Jellico: But the treaty of Algeron...
Jarvin: Is why it's been kept hidden here all this time! It should never have been built but the beaurocrats wouldn't allow it to be destroyed or used.
Butthead: why all the secrecy though? With the war and all surely the Romulans would make an exception.
Jarvin: Well, uh you see.... you're sure this is a secure channel?
Jellico: Of course it is! Out with it!
Jarvin: It works on a different principle than other devices of it's type. It changes the subspace phase of a ship an not only makes it invisible, but allows it to pass through solid matter.
Butthead: Ah! but..... with things the way they are why...
Jarvin: Admiral Nacheaf.
Jellico and Butthead: Ohhhhh!
Jellico: we'll find it. Pheonix out.
Jellico: Where does the ion trail go?
Ensign Deadmeat: It appears to be on a direct course for the planet Genesis.
Ensign Deadmeat de-ages rapidly into nothing.
Butthead rolls her eyes.
Jellico: lay in a course, maximum warp!
meanwhile aboard the Klingon Bird of Prey Ding'Pa
The Ding'Pa fires at a Jem Hedar ship, destroying it.
Kabbage: HA! That will teach them not to challenge the klingon empire!
Kantalope: Korn, I must compliment you on your marksmanship.
Korn: Well, Captain Chuckup taught me.
Karrot: he was an honorable warrior
Kabbage: Worthy of many songs!
The Klingons grunt approvingly.
Karrot: Another Jem Hedar vessel entering the system!
Kabbage: Lower the shields
Kabbage: do it!
Korn: Shields down
Kabbage: Open a channel
Karrot: Channel open
Kabbage: Hey you stupid Dominion P'Tock! Our defenses are down come get us you fools! Are you afraid? Are you a toothless Grishna Cat? Come get us you piece of shit!
onboard the Dominion ship...
Vorta: What do you suppose they're doing?
First: It's obviously a trick.
Vorta: I agree. Do not attack yet.
Kabbage: You weak fools! Increase power to your shields or your weapons! come on attack me!
Vorta: He must have a device that will turn our own power against us! Lower shields!
Vorta: SHIELDS UP!!!! SHIELDS U-
the ship is destroyed
The Klingons all laugh their asses off.
Korn: Vorta are stupid
Kabbage: Indeed they are, Korn.
Karrot: Sir! Priority1 message rom the Federation Starship Pheonix!
Kabbage: On screen
Butthead: This is the Federation Starship Pheonix to any ship that can hear us <screen flikers> Captain is <static> ead power failing. We are being attacked by Dominion vessels. You must proceed to the planet Genesis immediately to intercept a Ferengi vessel! This is a high security matter. I repeat proceed t- <transmission fades out>
Kabbage: hmm, I suppose we had better save the Federation then. Set course for Genesis, maximum warp
meanwhile aboard the Pheonix....
Butthead: Fire! .....I said f..
she notices all the crew is dead and the bridge is on fire behind her.
Butthead: This could be a problem
the bridge ripples with tiny explosions as the ship is hit again. Butthead loses consciousness
Butthead awakens in a sickbay.
Butthead: Data, listen we have to go to Genesis to stop a...
Data: we got your message. We're already underway.
Butthead: Where am I?
Data: You're aboard the USS Oddisy. Your ship was badly damaged but salvageable. We have it in tow. Could you tell me more about this Ferengi vessel?
Butthead: They have a highly secret federation device.
Data: I see.
Butthead: Can I see your captain?
Data: Certainly, come with me.
Starfleet Primary Comm. Relay control San Francisco, Earth....
Lt. Ardus: Well I dunno the name and the profession...
Quin: well, actually I'm beginning to think he isn't really a proctologist. It's all an image.
Lt. Ardus: Yeah but why do you want an image of ramming people's asses?
Quin: Who knows.
An alarm sounds.
Lt. Ardus: What the hell!?!?! Someone's tapping into the general broadcast system!
Quin begins rapidly punching buttons.
Lt. Ardus: My god he's good!
Quin: What the hell? He's beating me!
Lt. Ardus: Who could do that?
Quin: Oh no. oh god no...
Suddenly every monitor in the room lights up with a transmission....it's Scotty
Scotty: Greetings, citizens of the Federation. I am Li..no uh..what the hell was my ran- Captain Montgumery Scotty...wow I'm a Captain...anyway Ye all know we are close to being defeated by the Dominion. All seems lost but we have one last chance, and that chance is here and now. I want all of the former crew of Deep Space 666 and the USS Intrepid to meet me at the planet Genesis in the Mutara Sector. There I have the means to defeat the Dominion. I need ye all to hurry. No doubt the bastards have hear this transmission and they will want to get here first. Oh, and one more thing. Bring Booze!
The screens turn back to the starfleet logo.
Quin: Well I guess I'll be leaving then
Lt. Ardus: But sir the Admirals will never-
Admiral Cartwright enters the room.
Cartwright: You're leaving immediately, Quin. That Ass Ram guy ..or whatever the hell his name is will meet aboard the USS Incubus immediately.
Lt. Ardus: Who the hell are you?
Cartwright: An Admiral son. Do you have a name?
Lt. Ardus: Yes, it's..
Cartwright: damnit then you're not an expendable. Oh well extras usually die at the end of the episode.
Lt. Ardus: What?
Quin: Can I take him along? He's a very proficient officer, sir.
Meanwhile aboard the Odyisy...
Captain Raynor: So, what are the odds there's a connection here?
Data: Pretty good I'd say. Butthead, what do you think?
Butthead: Just a moment.....
Butthead's eyes glow green for a moment.
meanwhile on the Cow homeworld...
The Acid Calf is walking down one of the streets when his eyes glow green for a moment
back aboard the Oddisy..
Butthead: Knowing Scotty, yes.
Data: This should be interesting....
RECTAL PAIN, OR LACK THEREOF?
CALL ANAL K. RAM
Back at Starfleet headquarters...
Cartwright: We'll know what Scotty has in min shortly. Now, I have a question: What have you done with Section 31 during this war?
Cartwright: Section 31
Ross: What's that?
Cartwright: Oh stop it! I'm an Admiral for god's sake I know about Section 31
Ross: I've never heard of it...honestly!
Cartwright: You don't know about them?!?!?
The Admirals squirm in their seats..
Cartwright: Oh no....
he walks over to a huge painting of George Washington and gouges the painting's eyes. The painting slides up to reveal a doorway. Inside Sloan and several other dark figures are smoking, drinking and playing pool. Piles of latinum lie everywhere.
Sloan: Uh oh.
Admiral paris: Hey! That's MY Pool Table! It was stolen two years ago!
Admiral Nokomoru: Hey! Those are my beer glasses!
Admiral Ross: So that's where all my cigars disappear to!
Cartwright: Do something to fight the Dominion you idiots!
Sloan: All right, all right.
Sloan grabs a man who's been hidden in the corner. He is a Vorta
Sloan: All right, you're under arrest.
Vorta: What? I thought you said nobody would find me here!
Sloan: And the same goes for YOU!
he points to the jukebox which turns into a liquid then morphs into a humanoid
Sloan: Weyoon! Dukat!
Weyoon and Gul Dukat come out from under a table.
The Admirals stare in horror.
Dukat: I take it my android double has done something bad, hasn't he?
Sloan: Preator, it's OK we're at peace now.
A romulan's voice comes from behind the bar.
Preator: Are you sure it's ok
Sloan: Yes. Admiral Cartwright, I'd like you to meet Preator Tommek, leader of the Romulan empire.
Meanwhile aboard the Ding'Pa
Kabbage: Faster, you miserable p'tock! We must get there first!
Korn: Why must we get there first?
Kabbage: So we maybe with some luck we'll have the chance to battle a Dominion fleet all by ourselves!
Karrot: Wow really?
Kantalope: It is most honorable
Korn: You know what would really be cool? If we could beam aboard their ships and defeat each Jem Hedar by hand!
The Klingons grunt approvingly
Kabbage: Too bad about their shields though!
a bug crawls across the floor. Blasts of disruptor fire and thrown dak'tang come at it from all directions, leaving a huge scorch mark on the floor.
The Klingons all start shouting and banging their heads together.
somewhere on the cow homeworld....
The Acid Calf is in a large temple...which kind of resembles a barn made from marble. Several other cows form a circle around him.
Cows(chanting): Moo moo MOO moo moo MOO moo moo MOO
The eyes of the cattle begin to glow yellow
Cows(chanting): Moo moo MOO moo moo MOO moo moo MOO
the calf becomes engulfed in flame suddenly, but he doesn't seem to be in pain.
meanwhile aboard the Oddisy...
a fire suddenly appears on the bridge
Raynor: What the hell?
the fire quickly grows..then suddenly a faint profile can be seen. As the fire fades away, the Acid Calf fades in.
Butthead: Nice of you to join us
Raynor: What the hell? damnit how did he get here?
Butthead: well first snort snort after that they initiate a snort moo and then he is transmitted through the snort.
Raynor: Something's wrong with the translator I can't understand you
Butthead: Oh...right. I guess I can't explain since there is no way to describe it in your language.
Raynor: Well why can't I understand him?
Butthead: Oh, well the translator hasn't had enough time to interpret his language then. He says hello.
Data: You mean your language is different?
Butthead: Well that should be obvious even to you!
Data: But why do you not speak the same language? Traditionally, the child learns to speak by listening to the parent.
Butthead: Well it's quite simple really...
Writer: oh shit...why the hell did I do that? I
don't have an answer...christ that was dumb...
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE(preferably
dead and separated into several small containers so he can't reform):
Booke has been missing for a while now, and even though that's no crime we'd all love to see him dead. Shoot to incinerate.
In the transporter room on the Uss Incubus..
The comm channel beeps.
Lieutenant Boner: Boner here
Anal: Ahnel Rahm ready for transport.
Boner: What the hell kind of name is Anal?
Anal: God damnit my name... hey what kind of a name is Boner anyway?
Boner works the controls and Anal appears on the padd
the comm channel beeps again
Boner: Boner here
Quin: Quin Xavier and Lt. Ardus ready for transport
Boner works the controls and the officers appear on the transporter pad.
Anal walks over to Boner and pulls on his arm
Anal: Ha ha! Hey guys! I just pulled a boner!....hee hee Get it? Boner?
Everyone looks funny at Anal. Lt. Ardus tries to say something
Quin: Trust me, it's best not to think about it.
Anal: haven't you ever heard that expression before? 'Pulled a Boner'?
Ardus: believe me, I'm trying not to
Anal: oh bugger off! Say, you guys hear about what Butthead revealed on the development of Cow language? It's quite fascinating....
Quin: Later, Anal. We have a job to do now.
Onboard the Oddisy...
Data: Now entering the Mutara sector...
Raynor: Any sign of that Ferengi ship?
Data: Yes, sir. Sensors indicate a Ferengi shuttle orbiting the planer Genesis
Raynor: On screen...... Data, that's no shuttle, it's a Ferengi Marauder!
Data: That is strange, the transponder codes clearly indicate that it is a shuttle.
Butthead: That must be Al's ship.
Raynor: Who is Al?
Butthead: Al is a Ferengi who used to get supplies for us on DS666. He was also Iwol's lawyer at the trial.
Raynor: Hail that ship.
Ensign Dead: No response
Ensign Dead was in fact already dead so he can't die... but the salty cafeteria food has finally caught up with this Zombie and he vaporizes.
Data: Sensors show there are no life forms onboard
Raynor: Scan the planet.
Data: I am getting a power reading....curious. There is a ship there. It appears to be of Federation design, but I have never seen one this large.
Ensign will explode some day: We are being hailed by that ship
Apparently today was the day...
Butthead: That was messy.
Raynor: on screen
Scotty: Well, it's about time ye all got here! Butthead, Data, Acid.. is that all?
Butthead: Anal and Quin are supposed to be on their way, I don't know about the others
Scotty: Well I need ye down here. Stand by for transport...
Butthead: Aren't we out of...
Butthead, Data, and Acid calf materialize on a transporter pad
Butthead: transporter range?
Scotty: I have the matter stream passing through the main deflector, more than doubles the transporter range.
Butthead: What ship is this?
Scotty: Lassie say hello to the USS Intrepid NCC-38907-A
Butthead: Wha.. where did you..what class is this?
Scotty: I am nay sure, I believe that they referred to it as the Super-Excelcior class. I was helping design it when I got locked in that transporter beam. Starfleet had found that bigger was better when they designed the Excelsior so after it's success and with the turmoil at the time they wanted an even bigger ship. Well, I took that old design and modernized it and..well here she is.
Butthead: Well, when can we be underway?
Scotty: There is something interfering with the ship's power systems. I have tracked it down to a structure here on the planet...
Lore suddenly materializes on the transporter pad.
Lore: I got your message, now what is all this about?
Scotty: I built a new Intrepid. And now I need all of you to beam to the structure where something is interfering with the ship's power and se if it can be shut down
Lore: well, let's get this show on the road! I wanna get a chance to pilot this new ship. I scanned those weapon systems from orbit and I can't wait to fry a few packleds!
Scotty operates the transporter controls and everyone else steps onto the pad.
The foursome beams into a room with metal walls, no doors, and a large
cylindrical device in the corner. An earthquake has caused one wall
to cave in and there are boulders and pieces of rock everywhere.
Data: This is the device causing the interference... hmm, it's the genesis device! I can't believe it's still active after all these years!
Lore picks up a nearby boulder.
Data: Brother, I do not think that is a very good idea.
Lore: We need it shut down, right?
Lore slams the boulder into the Genesis device, smashing it. Suddenly a high pitched hum that gets steadily louder fills the room.
Data: It's building up to an overload!
Butthead: Butthead to Intrepid, get us out of here now!
Tired of one bad apple ruining your
Is that one bad apple corrupting your friends?
LORE'S VIOLENTLY PAINFUL WEAPONS:
making bad apple sauce since stardate 4666.9
onboard the Intrepid..
Korn, Anal, and Quin have arrived.
Scotty: Hang on, lassie!
Scotty fiddles with the controls the transporter pads light up, but a panel explodes and they dim again.
Scotty: Damnit! Something caused a power surge and destroyed the primary transporter buffer! Switching to secondary buffer...
The transporter pads light up again... this time five of them.
Scotty: There's some extra matter in the buffer, I hope they are all right
They materialize on the transporter pad. Lore, Butthead, Data, the calf, and..what the.
Iwol: Damnit! That bitch had damn well better be dead!! I lost my favorite ship and I almost got killed!
Everyone stares at Iwol, mouths gaping.
Iwol: well what are you all looking at? We need to get back to the station.... say this doesn't look like a shuttle craft.
Anal gets out a tricorder and scans Iwol.
Anal: It is human...and... it does appear to be the captain
Iwol: Anal, since when did you perform a medical examination without using the words 'bend over and think of christmas'?
Anal: damnit! My name is Ahnel!!!! AHNEL!!!!!!!
Korn: Captain, how do you still live??
Iwol: well I beamed off the Intrepid a split second before it exploded dumbass! Now, this can't be a shuttle it looks more like a transporeter room...where am I damnit?
Scotty: Of course!
Everyone else: WHAT?
Scotty: If the captain beamed off the Intrepid a split second before it exploded there wouldn't have been time for the transport procedure to be completed, so when the ship exploded he was still in the transport buffer. And the secondary buffer I just used was salvaged from the old Intrepid!
Iwol: So.. I have been stuck in a transporter buffer for how long now?
Butthead: A little over a month.
Iwol: Anything happened since then?
Butthead: Um, well.....
A few minutes later on the bridge...
Iwol: That Assmunch Billy has MY station? I am going to kick his ass so hard it's gonna turn around and come out his mouth!
Anal: That isn't possible...well... I guess if you were an android or something and you shattered the...
Iwol: Anal may be right... he is the ass expert and all. I guess Lore will have to kill him. <hits comm badge> Scotty, you ready?
Scotty: Well I have na had time to test all the systems yet!
Iwol: Screw that..
Butthead: Incoming Transmission from the Oddisy.. a Dominion fleet has appeared in the sector and is attacking.
Iwol: Scotty, power up the warp core
Scotty: Which one?
Iwol: What do you mean which one?
Scotty: Well there is one in the saucer section and two in the drive section.
Iwol: Scotty, do you know what the word overkill means?
Scotty: Er.. I can't remember right now... I'm drunk.
Iwol: well fine power all of them up.
Scotty: Aye sir
Iwol: helm, full power to ventral thrusters.
Data: Thrusters engaged.
Everyone feels the ship begin to move upward.
Data: We have cleared the planet's surface, now moving into the ionosphere.
Iwol: retract landing struts. Ahead full impulse power.
Data: Sir, regulations specify to use thrusters only within a planetary atmosphere.
Iwol: Oh hell... those are just suggestions. Do it
perhaps Iwol should have followed this regulation... the toxic gasses put off by the ship's engines would mutate a small species of fish on genesis into a sentient water-breathing creature that went about the universe flooding planets for colonization and killing trillions... but hey that's not for another few thousand years anyway...
Data: we have cleared the planet.
Iwol: Shields up, arm all weapons.
Korn: all of them?
Iwol: Yes, all of them.
Korn: Sir, there are two weapons here marked classified. Can I test them and see what they do?
Iwol: At the first opportunity
Data: Five ships have detached from the main fleet and are heading this way.
Iwol: Korn, target the lead ship with one of those weapons and fire!
nothing seems to happen.
Iwol: well that sucks.
Lore looks at the view screen.
Lore: Hey, weren't there five ships?
Lore: Well, where did the fifth one go?
The Intrepid is rocked by the impact of a torpedo against it's shields
Iwol: Korn, target another one of those ships and try that weapon again. This time keep a close eye on it.
The ship sort of fades away
Iwol: What the?
Data: Sir, I am detecting large amounts of particle matter near that ship's last location. It seems that that weapon disrupted the molecular cohesion of that ship.
Iwol: So.. the weapon made all the atoms just.... fall apart?
Iwol: Cool... let's see what the other one does, Korn?
A bright stream of light comes out of the Intrepid and barely misses one of the Dominion ships
meanwhile in the Delta Quadrant....
The Starship Voyager and an Alien vessel are communicating
Janeway: You can get us home?
Alien Captain: Yes, all we have to do is beam over this device you can attach to your warp drive and you will be able to travel home in a few minutes...
out of nowhere a bright stream of light hits the Alien ship and destroys it.
God: That was a pretty funny one. Hey can you take them to earth
and then send them right back again
Writer: They already did that on another series. Hey, bartender bring us another round!
Several weapon hits shake the ship violently
Iwol: I've had enough, fire quantum torpedoes!
the three remaining ships are hit one by one and destroyed.
Quin: We are being hailed by the Oddisy
Iwol: On screen
Raynor: Iwol? Is that you?
Raynor: Well, I just got word. Starfleet lost contact with us and they have launched an attack on the station but they are getting hit hard.
Iwol: Well I had better get there fast, Iwol out.
Iwol: Set course for Deep Space 666, maximum warp.
Data: captain, we are underway. At warp 9.8 we will be there in one hour.
Iwol: Damnit! That's too long..
Data: Sir, I was wondering, you see this big red lever next to the helm?
Iwol: Yeah, what does that do?
Data: I was hoping you knew.
Iwol: Iwol to Scotty: What does this red lever at the helm do?
Scotty: Um... I dinna remember I was drunk when I put it in.
Iwol: Great. Well, pull it and see what happens.
Data pulls the lever. A sudden burst of acceleration pull everyone toward the rear of the ship with great force. Many of the expendable crewmen die.
Iwol: Holyeeeeeee shit I.... can't..... move
Iwol is being pulled back by tremendous G-forces.
Data manages enough strength to reach forward and hit s few buttons on his console. The G-forces are abruptly gone.
Iwol: What happened?
Data: We accelerated to.. to warp 69! We have entered transwarp! The pull we were feeling was due to the inertial damper not keeping up. I increased it's power.
Lore: heh, 69...
everyone chuckles a bit
Iwol: How long until we get there now?
Data: Um... oh shit!
Data stops then ship to avoid running into the station.
Data: We are at the station now, sir.
Iwol: I am annoyed but at the same time a bit thrilled.
Lore: Thrilled with the 69?
Iwol: Yes, Lore I really like the 69. It really trips my trigger if you get my drift.
Lore: Yeah I've been getting your drift ever since you ate at that damned Klingon taco joint... phew
Korn: YES! THIS KICKS ASS!
Iwol: What is it Korn?
Korn: Sir, the federation fleet has retreated and we are now in the middle of a HUGE Dominion fleet.. I mean this is a whole butt load of ships!!!
Quin: Korn.. how does that kick ass?
Iwol: *sigh* Hail the station.
Billy appears on the view screen.
Iwol: Surrender the station now or we destroy you
Billy: Yeah right, captain. You already tricked me that way once, it won't work again. You're screwed! ha ha !!!!!!!
Data: I am detecting several very large disruptions in subspace.
Iwol: What are they?
Butthead's eyes glow very brightly.
Butthead: My people!
Data: Some kind of vessel is emerging...at least I think that's what it is... it's even bigger than the station!
Iwol: On screen.
Butthead: Yes... those are Cow city ships.
A fire appears on the bridge. It fades away and is replaced by a bull.
Striped-Ass: I am mayor Striped-Ass of the Cow city ship New Turnbaugh. This crew and this ship are all that is left to save it all. We cannot let that happen.
Iwol: What is going on?
Striped-Ass: The Pandas are in danger and you must restore them.
Butthead: NO! It cannot be!
Striped-Ass: Alas, it is true.
Lore: Oh no, this has something to do with that artifact Booke stole from the T'kan museum doesn't it.
Striped-Ass: Indeed it does. But hold for a moment, we have a fleet to take care of.
A flame envelops Striped-Ass and he disappears.
Ensign Gassy: Sir, the Cow ships are heading for the Dominion fleet.
Ensign Gassy's own noxious gasses ignite and burn him to death.
Iwol: On screen!
Cow city ships arrange in a pattern around the Dominion fleet.
They form a web of energy beams between them and move in. The energy
beams slice right through the enemy vessels and the entire fleet is soon
Iwol: Holy shit! I want one of those weapons!
Lore: Me too!
Iwol: Hail the station again.
Billy: What the..hell? Damnit! You cheated, Iwol!!
Billy: that isn't fair!
Iwol: And how fair was it when you had an entire fleet against one ship? Boy, you thought it was all fine then!
Billy: But damnit! You always win! Every damn time... hell you even died and came back to life... TWICE!
Iwol: Well, duh. I'm the lead character...
Billy: What? Oh damn...that explains a lot.. maybe I should rethink this whole situation
Data: Sir, I hate to break this up, but we have a problem.
Iwol: What is it?
Data: There is some sort of massive subspace wave headed this way!
Iwol: Shields up!!
Korn: Shields at maximum.
Data: I do not think it will be enough, there is some sort of time distortion within the time wave.
Butthead: Captain, Striped-Ass just sent me a message that we will be the only survivors. And that we are now the only hope for the universe.
Scotty: Cap'n the shield design for this ship was a cross between starfleet shields, borg shields, and my own drunken and creative mind. They are to date the strongest of any ship.. they may hold.
Iwol: They had better...
Data: Impact in 10 seconds
Billy: Uh hey can I beam over?
Iwol: Sorry... no time to lower the shields..
There is a flash of light
........and then there was nothing. The planets were not
formed, few stars were there. The only life forms to speak of are
a few pre bacterial organisms on what was the Q homeworld... that and one
lone Starship standing alone in the void......
To be continued in the next episode