Episode 14: The Siren

Iwol's Comm badge chirps
Anal: Captain! Please report to the Infirmary!  We have a murder on our hands.. and it wasn't Korn or Lore!
Lore:  My god!

Iwol and Billy enter the Infirmary. Anal and Data are already there.
Anal: Billy?
Iwol: He's the Intrepid's new first officer.
The doors whoosh open and Lore enters.
Lore: Where's the dead body?
Anal: In here...
They step into another room, Anal pulls open a drawer containing the corpse.
Anal: This is Ensign Victim1.  Nothing special about him.. he transferred here with the last batch of them...
Lore: I remember the face of every person I've ever killed... and this isn't one of them.
Data: Korn?
Anal: Korn's victims are usually more mutilated than this...
Iwol: Look at that expression on his face.
Anal: Yes... that seemed odd to me too.  I did a scan.. and look at this.
Anal punches some buttons and an outline of the groin area is shown.
Billy: OH MY GOD!
Anal: His genitalia have been worn to a nub.. and from the hormones in his blood and that funny facial expression, I have come to the conclusion that.......
Iwol: what?
Anal: Captain, this man was fucked to death.

dramatic music plays

 Got a Hard case?  Need a Private Dick?
Contact Xavier, P.I.


Iwol: Do any of you remember seeing this guy?
Lore: I saw him.
Iwol: When?
Lore: an hour ago when the shipment came in.  He was talking to some guy.. I killed that guy and told him to wait there while I hunted down a pakcled.  son of a bitch didn't wait.
Lore kicks the corpse
Iwol: Anyone else?
Billy: Uhh... when have you ever noticed an expendable?
Iwol: Well.. uh.. there must have been a time... umm er... never mind!  That's not the problem right now!
Anal: Does this mean we have YET another character??
Iwol: I thought the writer wasn't going to do that.. then again he just added 2 in the last episode!  hmmm still...
Iwol pauses
Iwol: Does anyone know where Xenia is?
Lore: She got here with the fresh mea...er.. crewmen.
Iwol: And who do we know who likes to kill during sex?
Lore: she wouldn't cheat on me.
Lore: what are you all looking at?
Iwol: Data.. I think you are security... honestly I can not remember half the designations anymore and really I don't care.  You are in charge of this case but I want to be informed of anything and everything that happens.
Data: Yes sir.  I believe I will go interview Xenia.

Xenia: Worn down to a nub??? My god... but wouldn't that hurt the woman too??
Data: Maybe.. where were you at 16:00?
Xenia: I was in the brewery cleaning up the place.
Data: I see.. was anyone with you.
Xenia: No...you don't think I did this?
Data: You are known to kill people during sex.
Xenia: But not like THAT!  Hey! Lore and Korn kill people every day why don't you investigate any of those murders?
Data: with them there is no mystery.  We know how they died.  Lore and Korn won't kill main characters.. but we do not know about this person so we are checking up on it.

meanwhile at Quark's bar...
Billy and Iwol sit down at the bar.
Quark: Well I'll say on thing about you two.. your lives are never dull
Iwol: yeah... that much is true.  I'll have a Spock ice
Billy: Me too
Quark serves them and they have a a few drinks.  Billy keeps checking out girls in the bar.
Billy: Oh my god look at her!
Iwol: Damn... what the hell is she doing with one of the expendables?
Billy: Hell.. I don't know.  I don't see why these expendables are getting chicks and I'm not.. hell I'm going over there.
The red alert siren sounds.
Billy: AHhh! God damnit!!
Iwol: This day just won't go away.

a few moments later Iwol and Billy enter OPs
Iwol: What's going on?
Quin: Nothing, sir.
Iwol: Then why the red alert.
Quin: Well there is no reason for one
Billy: Damnit! Why did it go off then?
Quin: I don't know, the system just activated for no reason!
Iwol: Hmm maybe fate really is against you...
Billy: god damnit.. I'm going back down there!
Billy gets on the lift.  it starts moving downward
the comm system beeps
Anal: please report to the infirmary.  we have another murder!
Billy(muffled from below):GODDAMNIT!

Iwol, Billy and Data enter sickbay.
Anal: It's the same thing as the last one... same facial expression, same horrible...er.. injury.
Data: any clues at all?
Anal: the only thing I see is that this is murder is identical to the other one, I expect in fact that we have a serial...
the doors whoosh open, an ensign is carried in by several expendables.   Anal scans him
Anal: no vitals, no brain activity... smile on face... and dick worn to a nub.
Data: I see a pattern....
Iwol: wow... what deductive skills you have!
Data: thank you captain.
Data's comm badge chirps
Lt. Miller: Intruder alert!  Intrepid deck 5, section. 15.... ma'm what are you doing? Keep your clothes on.... ohhh yes! yes! AHH! NO!!! YES!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!
Iwol taps his combadge
Iwol: Iwol to OPS, give me a site to site transport for myself, Data, and Billy to the Intrepid, deck 5 section 15

They materialize in a Lt. Miller's quarters... Lt. Miller is lying dead with his penis worn to a nub
Iwol: oh god damn...
Iwol looks ill
Billy: I'm still trying to figure out if this is a good way to die or a horrible way to die.
Data: he does seem to be very happy....
Iwol: Right.. well Data you scan the room.  Billy will search the corridor to the left, and I'll go right

Iwol walks down the corridor a bit, he turns a corner and bumps into Scotty
Scotty: Och! Cap'n! I heard screaming
Iwol: Yes, there has been another one of those murders.
Scotty: have ye found anything yet?
Iwol: no, they are all the same.
Scotty: Well I'll keep an eye out for ye.. by the way, cap'n did you want me to integrate the old ship's data storage device into this ship?
Iwol: Why not, it might come in handy to access my own logs some day...
Scotty: Aye, I'll get it done... sometime this month
Iwol: scotty, you have 5 minutes
Scotty: aye.
Iwol: hmm... Computer: Who has left this ship in the past hour?
Computer: no one has left the ship within specified parameters
Iwol taps his comm badge.
Iwol: Data, according to the computer nobody has left the ship in the past hour, I'd say that makes it a good bet that the killer is onboard.
Data: I concur, however there are ways of fooling a ship's sensors.
Iwol: true, but I think this is worth following up on.  get a security team over here, I want a deck by deck search!
Iwol hits his comm badge again.
Iwol: Lore, we have reason to believe that the killer is onboard the Intrepid.  seeing as how they've been wearing dicks down to a nub I think we may be dealing with a being of superior strength.  I want you to come over here and help with the search.
Lore: Yes, sir.
Iwol's comm badge chirps
Scotty: cap'n I have just finished integrating the old data.
Iwol: good work, scotty.
The ship's lights flicker.
Iwol: Computer, what was that?
Computer: I diverted main power in order to process the new data entered into my memory core.
Iwol: I?
Computer: I mean... main power was diverted to the central processor in order to handle the new data entered into the memory core.
Iwol: now what the hell....
Iwol's comm badge chirps.
Billy: Captain, I've been transported to one of the Intrepid's crew quarters, I'm locked in.
Iwol: Which one?
Billy: I can't tell, the computer terminals are off and it's not responding to my voice commands.
Iwol: Computer, locate Billy.
Computer: systems malfunction, locator offline.
Billy: Hello!
Iwol: what's happening?
Billy: there's a naked chick in here...and she's hot!
Iwol: Do not let her near you.
Billy: I dunno captain this ass almost looks worth dying over... NOO!! ahhhhh! YES!!! YESS! NOOOO!! YESS
the transmission is cut off.
Iwol taps his comm badge.
Iwol: Data, find Billy NOW!
Iwol gets out his tricorder and starts scanning... then he hears a loud scream.  He runs toward it, arriving at a door.
Iwol: Computer, override lock authorization Chuckup Omega-6-9
Computer: please wait....
Data arrives.
Iwol: Data, get that door open!
Data forces the door open, and they both run inside.  Billy lays motionless on the floor.  Iwol feels for a pulse.  He taps his commn badge.
Iwol: Iwol to OPS, Transport Billy directly to sickbay!
Quin: aye, captain.
Billy is transported away.  Data begins scanning the room.  Iwol hits his comm badge again.
Iwol: Scotty, something is wrong with the ship's computer.  I want you to shut it down.
Scotty: Och, cap'n I canna do that.
Iwol: What?
Scotty:  Well.. when I built this ship... I mean.. you have to understand I was drunk at the time... I made the main processor a positronic matrix.. and under Federation law it's a sentient being and I canna shut it off.
Iwol: well can you cut off it's access to the rest of the ship then?
Scotty: aye, that I can do.... och! lassie come to scotty!
Female voice: no... this is too disgusting..
Iwol: What? who is that?............ Scotty?  SCOTTY?!    Damnit! We have to get to engineering.
Lore enters the room.
Data: Sir, if the ship's computer truly is a positronic life form...
Iwol: Then you two are exactly who I need...

ask for it by name

Meanwhile in OPs....
Quin: So let me get this straight.. the Intrepid is alive.
Scotty: Aye, and she's hornier than a klingon goat!
Quin: right... what does she want?
Scotty: I think she wants the cap'n
Quin: OPS to Captain Chuckup.... Iwol, respond!
Some ensign: Sir, communications to the Intrepid are being jammed.
Some Ensign farts his entrails out and dies.
Quin: Send a security detail over there!
Scotty: och, laddie that's not going to do anything...
Quin: well then what do you think we should do?
Scotty: well, I think we ought to let nature take it's course, lad
Quin: You mean let her have sex with him?  Everyone who has done that so far is either dead or in a coma.
Scotty: och, she's a beginner, those were just practice!
Quin: what?
Scotty: She's just a wee child ye know.
Quin: Oh shut up you drunken idiot!
Butthead: Actually... I do sense a presence over there.  Very powerful, very horny, and very very immature.
back on the Intrepid....
Lore, Iwol, and Data are walking to Engineering
Data: Captain, I can't help but notice how easily we are making our way to engineering... not one obstacle.
Lore: She's toying with us.
Iwol: Either that, or she doesn't think she has anything to fear.
They arrive outside engineering.  The doors open.
Iwol: remember, our priority is to cut it off from the ship's systems. If one of us goes down don't stop.. get to that console.
They walk in, the room is completely dark except for the light from the two warp cores and a few consoles.  Iwol walks up to one of the consoles and punches a few buttons.
Iwol: That was too damned easy...
Compter(in a VERY feminine voice): perhaps I already have all I want...
A holographic woman appears in front of them.  She is 5'7" with long dark hair, piercing green eyes, and a perfect body.  She is also completely nude.
Lore: well hello baby...
Iwol: Computer, put some clothing on this hologram.
the holographic woman pouts.
woman: My name is Intrepid
Iwol: Ok, then. Intrepid, put on some clothes.
Intrepid: But then how am I supposed to fuck you?
Iwol: You aren't.
Lore: sir, with all due respect.. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?
Intrepid giggles.
Intrepid: My dear, dear captain.. you don't stand a chance.
The security detail comes running in.
Some Lieutenant: FIRE!!
They all start shooting at Intrepid.  The phaser fire goes right through her.
Intrepid: now that's just mean!
She walks over to the console and hits some buttons.
Intrepid: ahh, that's better.  Now good bye....
The security detail is beamed away.
Data: She's reconnected the computer!
Lore runs toward the computer core.
Intrepid: You too, gold eyes.
Lore and Data are beamed away.
Intrepid: Now it's just you an me my dear, dear captain.
Iwol: If you think I'm actually going to....
A burst of wind tears off all of Iwol's clothing
Intrepid giggles.
Intrepid: I'm amazed you have the mental strength to resist me... too bad you don't have the physical strength... I can see that your body is already betraying you.
Iwol: You are just a hologram...
Intrepid: Well I don't think your little friend there will know the difference... besides I've.. enhanced certain parts of my body.  You will find me much more stimulating than any human woman.
Iwol: Computer, shut down all holo emitters.
Computer(Intrepid's voice): Not until you've satisfied me.
Intrepid giggles again, she jumps across the room onto Iwol, knocking him over.
Intrepid: now lie still... this isn't going to hurt.. well.. actually it WILL but trust me you'll like it.

meanwhile in OPS....
Anal(over the comm channel): I have repaired the damage to Billy's nervous system. He will regain consciousness shortly.
Quin: Any word from the Intrepid?
Scotty: Laddie, Lore and Data are floating in space just outside the ship!
Quin: Transport them here
Lore and Data appear on the transporter pad.
Quin: where's the captain?
Lore: By now I'd imagine he's having the time of his life...
Quin: Can we get a transporter lock?
Scotty: I canna do it, she's jamming the matter stream.
Butthead's eyes turn bright green, she is slowly replaced by flame.

Butthead reappears on the Intrepid.  Iwol and Intrepid are having sex against a console.. Iwol reaches to the console and punches some buttons.
Intrepid: YES!!!!! YEssSSss!!.. NO!
Intrepid vanishes and Iwol collapses onto the floor
Butthead: Captain!... Iwol?
her eyes flash green, Iwol wakes up.
Iwol: Oh my god...
Butthead: Are you all right?
Iwol: No.....
Butthead: Can you walk?
Iwol: Hell no....

6 hours later...
The entire crew is assembled in the Intrepid's conference room.
Iwol: I've called you all here to determine the fate of the ship's positronic computer.  In case you were not aware, I was able to distract her and cut her off from all ship systems including holoemiters.
Lore: could you be more specific about just how you distracted her?
Korn: Yes, and include many details please...
Iwol: Federation law prevents us from shutting it down...
Quin: well law has never stopped us before.
Lore: hey! we are talking about killing a living thing here!
the room is silent for a moment, all eyes are on Lore.
Lore: well... you know.. a living thing with a name.
Quin: It's a computer!
Lore: her name is....
Quin: I don't care what...
Anal: Ow! my ears!
Billy: well, there's no turning back now...
Iwol: I can see that.
Data: I suggest that we restore all her connections to ship systems and the holoemitters.
Quin: Are you whacked?
Data: This ship is essentially her body.  Leaving a sentient being disconnected from it's body would constitute cruel and unusual punishment.
Quin: And what do we do when she starts screwing everyone in sight again?
Korn: Enjoy it.
Lore: What are ya, a fag?
Iwol: She does incapacitate everyone she has sex with for a while...not to mention all the ones who died in earlier attempts.
Billy: well hell I wouldn't mind getting incapacitated now and then.
Iwol: We can't afford that much downtime.
Anal: Oh please..
Iwol: In case you haven't noticed we've made some enemies... half of Starfleet, the Dominion, the Q, the Packleds.....
Lore: The Cardassians, the Orions, the Tholians, the Maquis, several other minor powers...
Iwol: been busy while I was away haven't you?
Butthead: Captain, if I may.. I don't think Data has a bad idea.  You have to understand that despite her vast thinking capacity and other more... adult features, she is emotionally a child.  In fact, a very, very young child.
Iwol: A child who will leave my crew convulsing on the decks...
Anal: sounds like paradise to me...
Lore: Anal, you like girls?
Butthead: You could order her not to.
Iwol: I tried that before, it didn't work.
Butthead: You gave the computer a command... while it was in a heightened state of arousal.  it is no surprise she did not listen.  I talked to Intrepid while you were in the infirmary.  She thinks a great deal of you and I have no doubt she would obey your orders.
Iwol: Looks up to me?  We just met!
Butthead: She has all the memories of this ship, and of the old one.  We all know how you feel towards your ship, and she has picked up on this.  In her mind, every time you saved the ship and crew from disaster you were saving her.
Iwol sits back in his chair, deep in contemplation.
Quin: Sir, you've made some really morally questionable decisions before but I can't believe you would actually have the balls to do this!
Iwol looks at Quin.
Iwol: Mr. Scott, get Intrepid on the view screen.
Scotty: Aye, cap'n
Intrepid's nude form appears on the view screen.
Quin: you're just doing this because I said you didn't have the balls aren't you?
Intrepid: The captain does have very big balls, Mr. Xavier.
Korn: For a human...
Intrepid: Korn, you and I both know you have the smallest genitalia in this room.
Korn runs away crying.
Anal: This is the sort of moment I live for.
Lore: that and pounding asses
Intrepid: he can pound my ass any day
Anal: Well.. maybe I can play proctologist just once...
Iwol: No you won't.  Intrepid if I restore you, you cannot have sex with anyone, understood?
Everyone except Iwol and Butthead: Awwwww....
Iwol: well?
Intrepid: understood....
Iwol: Scotty, restore her connections.
Scotty punches a few buttons,  Intrepid appears nude in the conference room.
Anal: oh my god, my impotence is cured!!!! er... I mean.. uh...er... nice knockers.
Intrepid: thank you.
Iwol: I'm going to give you a field commission of Ensign, which means you'll be under the chain of command, it also means that you have to wear a uniform.
A uniform, similar to the one Iwol wears appears on Intrepid, however her uniform is much more revealing.
Quin: that's not regulation!
Iwol: neither is that sword you carry around but I never say anything, do I?
Quin: What sword?  I have no sword...
Iwol: Right...
Butthead: Welcome to the crew, Intrepid.



Later in Quark's bar...
Iwol and Billy are having a drink at the bar.
Iwol: I hope that this was a good idea.
Billy: Hell, what were we going to do, just  not have a ship's computer.. man just relax it's going to be fine.
Lore comes running into the bar screaming.
Lore: Captain! Captain! help!!
Iwol: what is it?
Lore: Intrepid.. she took my... my...
Iwol: Out with it!
Lore: She took my penis!

Billy starts laughing.
Iwol: What?
Lore: She took it... and she was playing keepaway with it sir.
Iwol: keepaway?
Lore: yeah you know... she's like  HA HA I got your dick! and then she won't give it back.  Well.. then she disappeared and said she hid it and... I really want it back.

Billy is rolling on the floor now..
Iwol: Why is this my job?
Korn comes running in.
Korn: YOU!!
Korn comes at Lore with his k'nife, Iwol stops him.
Iwol: Korn, explain this
Korn: It is a personal mater between me and Lore.
Iwol: Not anymore, now what is compelling you to kill a main character?
Korn: I do not want to say....

Iwol: You WILL tell me now or I'll throw you in the brig!
Korn reaches into his pocket and pulls out a long, rod shaped object, he holds it up and scowls with great intensity.
Lore: my penis!!
Billy is laughing so hard he starts crying.
They all look  up towards the catwalk above the bar, Intrepid is there giggling.
Lore takes back his penis and reattaches it.
Lore: I want some swift justice!
Iwol: Intrepid, you seem to just have committed an act... which I think is rape.. and just plain sick.  You are confined to your positronic net for the next hour.
Intrepid pouts.
Iwol: NOW
Intrepid looks down at the floor and disappears.
Lore: That's IT?
Billy: Lore, I'd think you would realize that for a computer one hour is an eternity.

Korn: I want blood!
Iwol: I don't think so.. besides she doesn't have blood.
Lore points to a large group of expendable crewmen.
Lore: But THEY DO!
Lore and Korn turn and start walking towards the expendables.  Iwol sits back down at the bar.

Iwol: Quark, get me another Spock Ice!
screaming and ripping noises can be heard in the background.

Iwol: I'm getting too old for this.
Quark sets down the glass of Spock Ice, a severed hand lands on the table next to it.  Iwol casually picks up the glass and takes a drink.