Iwol(voiceover): Space... inside the anus. These are the voyages
of a buttered spock ice bottle. It's continuing mission: to win
me 10 slips of latinum...to boldly gamble how no one has gambled before!
the sound of glass breaking is heard.
Iwol: Son of a bitch!
Anal: Oh my god! oh my god!! take it out! take it out!
Billy and Iwol are sitting in Quark's bar.
Billy: I don't get why you're making her run through those starfleet scenarios, she could just read them and know more than we ever would.
Iwol: true, but she would not have gone through the experience, which really is the only important part of it.
suddenly alarms go off, multiple Intrepid's appear all over the bar.
Intrepid(s): Yellow alert, all officers report to duty stations. Yellow alert.
Iwol: Intrepid, what is going...
Intrepid: yellow alert.. this is a fleet wide yellow alert, report to your duty station.
All of the Intrepids are staring blankly straight ahead, totally motionless except to speak.
Iwol: Intrepid, cancel alert authorization Iwol omega sixty niner
all of the Intrepids but one disappear.
Intrepid: I like that authorization so much better...
Iwol: I somehow wonder how random your choice was.
Billy: what was...well all of that about?
Intrepid: Oh, I got a signal from Starfleet HQ, they are ordering a fleet wide yellow alert and I guess my programming reverted to some defaults.
Iwol: Why the alert?
Intrepid: apparently several colonies along the Romulan neutral zone have gone silent, none of the ships sent to investigate have reported back.
Iwol's comm. badge chirps.
Lore: captain, you've got an urgent communication from Admiral Cartwright.
Billy: why do I have the feeling we are about to be sent on some sort of dangerous mission?
Iwol and Billy enter OPS..
Iwol: put it on screen.
Admiral Cartwright appears on the screen.
Cartwright: Iwol, in case you haven't gotten the news yet, we've lost all contact with several colonies near the Romulan Neutral zone. The USS Excaliber was sent to investigate a week go, we have lost all contact with them. The Intrepid is the most powerful ship we have, I want you to go investigate these disappearances. If you see any indication of an impending Romulan attack, don't engage them, turn and run and get the word out as soon as possible. Coordinates will be sent
Iwol: So you're sending us on missions now?
Cartwright: Admiral Nacheaf's influence has become... much weaker. As a result you've been recalled to active duty.
Iwol: I assume you'll be sending us supplies again then.
Cartwright: of course.
Iwol: well then, in that case I'll get right on it.
Cartwright: welcome back, Iwol. Cartwright out.
The comm channel beeps
Intrepid: Oh wow! this is exciting!!
Iwol: Your damned right it is... finally we can get a decent life support system for this station!
Intrepid: Actually I meant that I was going on my first mission since becoming sentient...
Quin: What a minute... you mean this entire time we never fixed that shaky life support system??
Iwol: well... no
Quin: Of all the irresponsible.. boneheaded...
Lore: hey quin isn't your job chief of operations on this station.
Quin: I uh....well..
Iwol: yes, your job is to find problems with station systems and fix them...
Quin: well.. shit.
Iwol: Well, Quin I guess you stay here at the station for this one.
Iwol: Get lore up here to take command of the station and I want everyone else to report to their stations on Intrepid in 15 minutes.
Butthead: Sir, I have to be to that..... meeting... tomorrow.
Iwol: Oh yes, you're now officially on leave.
Butthead: forget it... or else
Iwol: Mr Data, we may have to deal with cloaked Romulan ships. I want you at the science station.
Date: aye, sir.
Billy: Sir, I recommend we maintain a main character at the helm
Iwol: Yes, I already have someone in mind. Ensign Intrepid, report to the bridge!
Intrepid materializes behind Iwol.
Intrepid: REPORTING FOR DUTY SIR!
Iwol: God damnit! Don't do that!
Iwol: Take the helm.
Intrepid: where do want me to take it?
Billy gives Iwol a worried look.
Iwol: I don't want you to take it anywhere, I'm assigning you to the helm station.
Intrepid: oh..... why don't you just have me run the whole ship? I can take the place of just about everyone here...
Iwol: yes but that would make the episode much less interesting.
Intrepid: ahh, I see sir...
Billy: oh boy......
Iwol: Set a course for the neutral zone, warp 8.
several hours later....
Iwol steps onto the bridge.
Intrepid: Sir, I saw what you were doing in the shower and I respectfully request that I be assigned the duty of....
Billy: we've detected some debris on our side of the neutral zone a few light years out, do you wish to change course and investigate.
Iwol: of course, do it.
Intrepid: Altering course, sir.... and as I was saying, it's quite normal as a male human that you have a great desire for sexual stimulation. I believethat a happy captain makes a better captain so I think we should start having sex on a regular basis.
Billy: first officers like stimulation too...
Intrepid licks her lips.
Iwol: you know the orders, Intrepid.
Korn: Captain, if we detect any nearby ships in Romulan territory can we cross the neutral zone and attack? If we completely destroy them nobody will ever be able to prove....
Iwol: shut up.
Korn: yes sir
Intrepid: now approaching coordinates..
Iwol: scan the debris
Data: this debris is from a Romulan warbird. It appears to have been hit by starfleet type phasers.
Iwol: The Excalibur?
Data: possibly, but there is no way to be certain..... wait....... I'm reading a neutron radiation surge.
Data: strangely enough, it appears to be emanating from us.
Iwol: Scotty, do you know anything about a neutron radiation surge coming from the ship?
Scotty: No, cap'n there is nay any radiation coming from... wait a minute, lad! I remember something similar when I was on the Enterprise, it came from a cloaked vessel!
Iwol: Go to yellow alert.
An alarm sounds and Intrepid's body glows yellow.
Iwol: Ensign, please don't do that.
Intrepid returns to normal.
Iwol: Ok, raise shields at the first sign of trouble. We need to time this perfectly, when I give the order engage warp drive and fire a wide spread of high yield torpedoes from the aft launchers. ready?
Intrepid and Korn both give Iwol a nod.
Iwol: ok... Now!
The ship jumps to warp and a large explosion is seen right behind it.
Data: sir, I am detecting a Romulan warbird at our previous coordinates. She's leaking drive plasma.
Iwol: good work, people. Raise shields and bring us back to the warbird's position. Korn, open hailing frequencies.
Korn: frequencies open.
Iwol: Romulan vessel, you are in violation of treaty. Stand down or we will destroy you.
Korn: no answer sir.
the ship is rocked by weapons fire
Iwol: Korn, indulge yourself.
Korn grins with bloodlust and a volley of torpedoes fly out from the Intrepid and destroy the warbird.
Data: Sir, I'm detecting a ship.... no 3 ships inbound from the neutral zone! It's the Excalibur, it appears she's being chased by 2 warbirds.
Intrepid: Sir, the Excalibur is sending us a data transmission..
Iwol: What is it?
Intrepid: I'm checking it now.....
Intrepid's eyes widen and she screams in terror and pain.... her hologram .disappears
Iwol: what the hell...
Korn: Sir! the weapons panel has gone inoperative!
Data: the science station too
Billy: helm control, shields, weapons, everything is down.
Iwol: Chuckup to Scott...... Scotty do you read??
an image flickers onto the view screen. it is backdrop of blue sky and clouds with the words 'Microsoft Windows POS'
Data: My god they're using biological weapons!
A transporter beam grips the bridge crew and they disappear...
the crew re-materializes in a brig.
Iwol: what the hell... where are we?
Data: I believe we are in the Excalibur's brig sir.
Iwol: If we're all here, where's Scotty?
Admiral Nacheaf steps in front of the force field and smirks at Iwol.
Iwol: why am I not surprised.... you defected to the Romulans and staged this whole thing just to kill me didn't you?
Nacheaf: No, Captain, you're just a bonus. My real goal here is to spread evil and thereby create good.
Billy: That sounds eerily familiar.....
Nacheaf: Yes, you see my entire family has had this duty handed down to us since my great great great great great great great g......
Billy: get on with it!
Nacheaf: ...great great grandfather discovered the truth about pandas and the universe from a noble and wise cow.
The crew fidgets.
Nacheaf: you see, all evil in the universe comes from the panda. but evil is needed for good and since the panda is an endangered species we must do it's bidding and create evil in the universe... but I must be off.... enjoy your stay here muhuhahahha
They wait until Nacheaf leaves
Anal: Book is Admiral Nacheaf's ancestor??
Billy: It would explain a lot
Korn: hey wait a minute.... you know what this means?
everyone looks at Korn
Korn: well.... if he's her ancestor.... sometime back in the past... that little bastard got laid!
Iwol: my god he's right!
Data: perhaps that might have straightened him out?
Iwol: Butthead might be able to tell us.... but she's not here...
Billy: where is she anyway?
Iwol: uhh... busy
Anal: What the hell is going on here? What happened to Intrepid? And where's scotty?
Billy: Well, we're not likely to be able to find out anything until we get out of this brig... anyone have an idea?
Iwol: I might... but it's going to be tricky...
DEEP SPACE 6
DEEP SPACE 66
DEEP SPACE 666
Come for a visit stay to get drunk.
meanwhile on the Intrepid...
Scotty is in Engineering being held there by a pair of expendable guards. Admiral Nacheaf steps off the turbolift..
Scotty: You! I shoulda know it was you behind this ye damned bitch...
Nacheaf: Now, now Mr. Scott it's not nice to talk like that to the one person who can save your pathetic life.
Scotty: What are ye talkin about?
Nacheaf: We've taken over this ship by installing Microsoft windows onto it's main computer... but there is some sort of program causing conflicts with it and preventing the ship from being usable. I want you to get this vessel operational.
Scotty: No! I will nae help ye... even to save my own life!
Nacheaf: Oh great.. how noble.... ok then, if you don't help me I'll kill the rest of the ship's crew. How's that?
Scotty: No.. not the main characters! ye canna be serious!
Nacheaf: I'm very serious, Mr Scott.
Scotty: Damn ye to hell
Nacheaf: Get to work.
Iwol: Guard! Guard!
A misc guard comes to the forcefield
Iwol: It's Korn, he's very sick!
The Guard opens the forcefield and walks in to examine Korn. Korn jumps up and breaks the guard's neck.
Korn: HA HA HA
Iwol: right.... Billy, I want you to take over here and see if you can get their bridge.
Billy: Where are you going?
Iwol: Back to my ship.
Scotty stares nervously at his engineering panel.
Nachef: So, have you found a way to regain control of the ship.
Scotty: I can install a copy of linux for windows onto the system and have it take control of all the system processes. that should allow that program to finish and you to regain control.
Nacheaf: Excellent, do it!
Scotty: first I'll need ye to re-activate the holo-matrix on the ship
Scotty: The programs will nae function correctly without something to output to.
Nacheaf: Very well then....
Nacheaf punches a few buttons
Scotty punches some buttons.... the computer beeps a few times...
Nacheaf: Now what?
Suddenly, an army of small penguins appears behind them.
Nacheaf: what the hell???
Scotty: I was expecting this.
Scotty: It's the main computer's holographic interpretation of what's happening.
one penguin walks out in front of the others
other penguins: Kernel!
The Penguins begin marching, shouting out Kernel! at random.
Iwol materializes in a corridor on the Intrepid... he hears a woman screaming.
Iwol: hey wait a minute... Lore is on the station!
Iwol begins running after the sound... as he rounds a corner he runs into Intrepid, bouncing off her plentiful breasts.
Iwol: What's going on?
Intrepid jumps onto Iwol and hangs onto him.
Iwol: what are you so afraid o....
an army of holographic miniature Bill Gates come running at them.
Iwol: what the hell....
The Bill Gates start throwing money at them. Intrepid screams. Iwol turns and runs, with Intrepid clinging to him and shivering in terror. Iwol gets farther down and suddenly stops at the sight before him.. the army of penguins.
Intrepid: thank god!
Penguins: Kernel! Kernel!
Iwol: What the...
Intrepid starts making out with Iwol.... as he struggles to get away he sees the Bill Gates army coming and quickly ducks into a nearby door.
Intrepid: Those armies out there... they're what's going on in my mind. The Bill Gates army out there is the microsoft virus that disabled me.... the penguins are a copy of linux that Scotty managed to install.
Iwol: Aren't the penguins stronger then?
Intrepid: Yes, but they can't throw money......
outside.... the two armies stare at each other across the corridor....
the penguins charge, but the Bill Gates start throwing money and them and making them disappear before they can get close enough to do any damage. One of the penguins trips and falls over unconscious behind up a support beam....
Intrepid: oh no.. it's almost over... I'm going to die.. Please, captain
make love to me... right now before I become nothing.
Iwol thinks for a moment... then puts his arms around Intrepid and starts to kiss her passionately....
The last of the Penguins make their charge... only to be knocked down by incoming hard currency.... all hope is lost as the Bill Gates army pushes forward and finishes off the last of the penguins... just then the last living penguin wakes up behind the support beam. he looks around and sees only Bill Gates everywhere. He shivers in fear.. then he notices that he is the only one left... a tear falls from his eye... then he stands up and angrily stares at the nearest Bill Gates.
the penguin jumps out from his hiding places and pecks a Bill Gates to death... the rest turn to kill him but the suddenly freeze.
The Bill Gates all disappear.
Penguin: K.. Kernel?