Iwol:  Captain's log,  Stardate 4666.4.  Things have been quiet for the past few days despite all our unresolved plot lines.  I can therefore only speculate on what horrible disaster faces us next.  My chief of operations and my chief engineer have called me to the Intrepid's engineering section to show me some kind of new improvements they've cooked up. 
The over sized doors open to engineering.  We see the large throbbing warp core, glowing conduits, high tech panels everywhere.  This set is so amazing, it's getting you sexually excited.... I'm serious.  Now..... eeew.  Stop that.  Just pull your pants up and wait until the episode is over.  Just... play it back later.  seriously... gahh. 

Scotty, Quin, and Intrepid are waiting with much anticipation.
Iwol: Ok, so you increased the size of her boobs.  It's very impressive, but I'm not sure how this is really ship's business.
Scotty: What do ye mean, we did nothing of the kind, lad.
Intrepid: I did.
Everyone stares at her chest for a bit.
Quin: ANYWAY....  I've been contemplating some possible advantages to having a sentient ship's computer.
Intrepid: I have really big brains.
Iwol: Yes, we know.  You demonstrate them regularly.
Intrepid beams, Quin rolls his eyes.
Scotty: We decided the lass might want to roam around more freely.  So we made her a mobile holo-emitter.
Quin: He designed it.
Scotty: Well that's kind lad, but I only followed the plans you came up with.
Quin: YES.... but... I ... I just take no responsibility for the form factor of the um......the....uh...
Intrepid: Unit?
Iwol snickers.
Quin: you have no idea just how accurate that is...
Intrepid picks up the...er.. unit.  It is a cylindrical device about 6" long with a dome shaped tip.
Iwol: ....
Intrepid:  I just take this with me and I can go anywhere you can go!
Iwol facepalms.
Iwol: You know... some more stuck up Starfleet types might find that offensive.
Intrepid: Huh?  Why would they find this offensive?  It's just my unit.
Scotty snickers.
Iwol: well... it's just the shape of the thing....
Intrepid: well don't worry, nobody is going to see it, once it's in.
Iwol: Well I suppose if it's concealed that wo-......  oh no.
Before anyone can react Intrepid has reached between her legs and ....um... concealed the... unit.... under her skirt..
Intrepid: Oh yes! Now I'm ready for action anywhere!
Iwol: ....
Scotty: .....
Intrepid: Are you guys ok? You seem to be in a trance.
Iwol: I um... yes... right..   Well I think I need a cigarette now.
Quin: Sir, you smoke?
Iwol: No, but it seems like a time to start.  Anyway if that's all, I'm going to go find a cold sonic shower...
Scotty: Wait, ye have nae seen the best part!
Iwol: DP?
Quin: Shockingly enough, no.
Intrepid: Duotronic Polarizers?  Oooh those would be fun.  Captain can you get me some DP?
Scotty: Lassie, he did nae mean those.  He meant something a wee bit more intimate..
Intrepid: Dynamic Photons?  OOOoohhhhhhh  That would get me soooo hot.
Iwol: ...
Intrepid: I could turn my arms into plasma and zap bad guys.  Zap!  Zap!
Intrepid giggles.
Iwol: ....  ok... well if that's all I'm going to go get drunk...
Scotty: Wait, sir we have nae told ye about the really cool thing we thought of.
Iwol: It vibrates?
Scotty: No no no... well.. yes.. but that's nae what I'm talking about, lad.   As ye know, the ship is capable of some rapid maneuvering, it can in fact react much faster than any helmsman could even think.
Iwol: Well, of course but.... oh no.
Scotty: So by giving our lass here a direct sensor interface and direct control of the maneuvering thrusters and engines, she could be almost unbeatable.
Quin: Yeah except for the crew...
Scotty: Well, lad that's only a minor issue.  We can just move the crew to some designated locations and divert all the inertial dampers to stabilize those areas.
Quin: Still...
Iwol: So at the very least we'd be on a lunch loosing ride.
Scotty: Aye, lad.  But, imagine the capabilities!
Iwol: like what?
Intrepid: I can dodge torpedoes!
At this, Intrepid jumps up into the air several feet, doing a flip and pointing in random directions making phaser sounds.   She lands in a crouching position, still pointing in random directions making phaser noises when something metallic clanks against the floor and can be heard rolling away.   She looks down between her legs...
Iwol: OUT.

Although our replicators seem to make a limitless supply of materials, each time a replicator is used energy is consumed.  Overuse of the replicators has been putting considerable drain on our power systems, especially when the Intrepid is docked.  To curtail this abuse of our station systems, anyone replicating more than one box of Kleenex or one bottle of lotion in a 26 hour period will be fined 1 slip of latinum.  If this does not meet your needs, consider a towel. Thank you for your cooperation
 Captain Iwol Chckup, Station Commander.

Iwol steps off the lift and into Ops.  Lore and data standing at the comm station.
Iwol: What's going on?
Lore; Someone tried to send us an encrypted transmission but it was jammed at the source.
Iwol: From where?
Data: Somewhere in Sector 325, very close the neutral zone.
Iwol: Can you determine anything else?
Data: By employing a fractal reconstruction algorithm and running it through a number of decryption routines, I have managed to reconstruct part of the message.
Iwol: Not bad, put it up.
Billy steps off the lift and approaches them.
Billy: What's going on?
Iwol: Some kind of message...
The view screen comes on and a staticy image and garbled audio comes up.
Iwol: Can we do any better?
Data punches a few buttons, the transmission clears a bit and we just barely can make out Al the Ferengi.
Al:  Calling sta *crackle* Deep Space 6 6  *static* Chuckup can you read?   *static* invasion force of at least 100 *static*..... heading your way.   They have over 9000 *crackle*  will send bill for *static*.........................
Data: That's all I can get, sir.
Billy: Romulans?
Iwol: But that doesn't make sense.  We've been negotiating treaties with them and there's really no advantage for them to attack here.... unless....
Lore: Unless what?
Iwol: Billy, I want you to take the Intrepid to that sector.  Take Quin along, he has some experience with scanning for cloaked ships...
Lore: And myself and Korn....
Iwol: Korn, Yes but I need you here.  I also need Scotty.
Lore: But.... killings....
Iwol: If there really is an invasion coming, we will have to defend this station.  We need to prepare and if it does come there will be more than enough killings.
Lore: There are never enough.
Billy: And if we encounter over 9000.... something?
Iwol: This is a recon mission.   Should you encounter a superior force, return to the station immediately.
Data: Shouldn't we contact Starfleet command?
Iwol: Um.... yeah sure I'll get right on that....
We see the exterior of the station, the Intrepid undocks and warps away.  We then cut a scene inside the station and music plays...
Scotty pulls off a panel and starts fiddling with circuits inside, we cut to Iwol and Lore handing out Phaser-rifles to crewmen.  Down the line, one of the rifles explodes and takes out several of the expendables.  Iwol glares and Lore and Lore shrugs.
We then cut to another scene of Xenia locking up the Spock Ice storage, Lore is in the corridor setting bear traps.
Suddenly it all freezes, the music stops, and we zoom out to see that we're watching a screen in the conference room.  Iwol is standing while the rest of the station crew are sitting at the table.
Iwol: Ok, that montage is what we need to get done in the next few hours.
Everyone nods and they all shuffle out the door.

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The Intrepid drops out of warp and enters sector 325...
Billy gets up from the command chair on the bridge.
Billy: Report!
Data: Nothing on standard sensor scans.
Korn: They are here... watching us....
Intrepid: How do you know that?
Quin: There's a Quasar in this sector emitting high levels of quantum radiation.  If the Romulans are here, they will be hard to find.
Billy: Is there any way you can compensate?
Quin: If we get the frequency level of the background radiation, we might be able to put out a cadian pulse that will temporarily nullify it's effects.  The problem is we will have to do some pretty advanced calculations to come up with the frequency and power level of the pulse.  Might take a few hours...
Intrepid: 402.12567 terrahertz at 465.2 terrawatts for .531 seconds.
Data cocks his head.
Data: Those are the correct settings.
Quin mumbles something under his breath and hits a few buttons.
Quin: Ready.
Billy: Do it....
Quin punches some more buttons.
Quin:  I'm picking up warp trails leaving the system.... I'd say nearly 100 ships.   They seem to be headed in the direction of that station.
Billy: Send a message.  Warn them.
Data: Our signals are being jammed.
Billy: Get that message out, Data!  Intrepid plot a course for the station, maximum warp!
Quin: Oh no... Sir, I'm detecting a number of warp trails that doubled back!
Billy: Shields up!
The ship is rocked by weapons fire, several of the expendables on the bridge are killed.
Intrepid: Warp engines are down!
Billy: Evasive maneuvers,  Korn, fire!
Korn Grins.
One of the Romulan ships is hit and drifts off, leaking drive plasma from it's engines.   The Intrepid is hit again.
Several panels on the bridge explode.  Intrepid starts flickering and falls out of her seat.
Billy: Data, take the helm!
Data jumps into the helm chair and hits some buttons.
Data: I am not getting any response from the helm, sir!
Quin: The control pathways are destroyed.
The ship is hit again, more expendables are blow apart.
Billy: Give me SOMETHING!
Intrepid stands up and looks very loopy.
Intrepid: Living tingles.....  ooooh pretty!
Quin grimaces...
Quin: The computer links are still intact.  We could enact our new program... hand over control to Intrepid.
Billy: She doesn't exactly look up to it.
Intrepid addresses the wall...
Intrepid: I am too up to it, I'm A-OK!
She walks into the wall and falls over.
Intrepid: If one of you could just tell me who I am....
Billy: Oh god..... 
Quin: It's our only chance.
Billy: Do it...
Intrepid sneezes and flickers away for a moment, then reappears
Intrepid: Ohhhh..... I remember!

Iwol stands in Ops.
Iwol: Red alert.
The warning claxton sounds and all the red lights go on.
Scotty: I'm scanning, lad but I don't detect anything.
Lore: They must be cloaked.
Iwol: I hope my ship is ok.....   Raise shields and power up the defensive systems.
Scotty: Vessels decloaking, sir!
They look at the viewscreen and see a fleet of Romulan ships decloak.
Scotty: They are hailing us.
Iwol: put them on.
A Romulan appears on the screen.
Romulan: I am Captain Sherok.   We have you outnumbered and out gunned, captain.  I have over 9000 troops aboard.   However, if you surrender now we have an offer for you.
Iwol: What offer?
Sherok: Join us.  My benefactor wishes to work with you.
Iwol: Who is your benefactor?
A figure steps out from the shadows, as he approaches we see that it is Booke.
Iwol: Open fire, all weapons!
The view screen switches back to the ships, dozens of torpedoes come flying at them, several are destroyed.
Lore: Korn is going to be pissed off when he finds out we did this without him!
The station is rocked by weapons fire as the Romulans attack.
Iwol: Fire odd numbered launchers!
More torpedoes come flying from the station and take out a few more Romulans.  The station is hit again, fireballs from small explosions ripple along one of the pylons.
Scotty: She canna take it, Cap'n!
Iwol: Fire even launchers!
More torpedoes fly from the station, a few more Romulan ships explode.   Phaser fire ripples out in all directions from the station, striking many Romulan ships.    A group for 3 Romulan ships makes an attack run on the station, explosions come from the habitat ring.
Scotty: Shields are down!
Romulan soldiers begin beaming onto the promenade.   Expendable crewmen begin firing at them, many die.   One of the Romulans steps forward and screams in pain.   He looks down to see his leg caught in a bear trap.
Meanwhile in Ops...
Iwol kills a Romulan with his phasers, he turns around to see Lore break the last Romulan in Ops over his back.
Iwol: Scotty, get those shields back up!
Scotty: Aye, sir I'm workin on it!
Xenia looks up from a console.
Xenia: Sir, zee Romulans are taking control of  station.  Ve have lost all expendables.
Lore looks urgently at Iwol.
Iwol: Go.
Lore grins and takes the Lift down to the Promenade.
Scotty: Sir, the Romulan commander is hailing.
Iwol: On screen!
Sherok: Captain, you have put up a brave fight, but we have troops on your station.  We have you surrounded, and your shields are down.  I want to give you one last chance to join us.
Iwol Glares at him...

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Iwol paces back and forth in Ops...
Sherok: Well?
Booke: It's very simple, Captain.   Fiery painful death, or work for me.
Suddenly there's a beep and a female voice with a very bad British accent comes over the comm.
Voice: Attention Soviet vessels, this is Margret Thatcher, Queen of the Britons!  
Iwol: ...
Sherok: Come now, Captain.   Everyone knows you create very confusing ruses to throw off your enemies.
Booke: Really, Captain... did you think we'd fall for it?
Scotty: But we did nae......  och... ye did not tell me?
Iwol: I have no idea wha.... er...  um yeah.   Yeah, you found me out.    My luck has finally run out I suppose.
Voice: Soviet Vessels, return to international waters immediately or face the wrath of the Royal Navy!
Iwol: Ha!  You have fallen for it.
Booke: For what?
Iwol: My clever ruse!   We have your ships rigged to....... uh.. explode!  Yup, explode.  This delay has allowed us to hide explosives on your ships.
Booke: Damnit!
Scotty: We did?
Iwol gives Scotty a look.
Scotty: OHhhhh Aye, lad.   Yes the explosives are ready to be detonated, Cap'n.
Sherok: I do not believe you!  Trace the source of that transmission!
Voice: Very well, communist bastards!  Face the wrath of MARGRET THATCHER!!!
A Romulan off Camera: Sir, one of our ships was just destroyed!
Iwol(whispering to Scotty): How did you do that?
Scotty:  Was nae me, lad..
He looks down at his console.
Scotty: Och, ye will nae believe this...
Iwol: What?  Put it on screen...
The Intrepid briefly Decloaks, rips through a Romulan ship with it's phasers, dodges several torpedoes and cloaks again.
Iwol: The new interface program...
Scotty: Aye, lad.
The Intrepid zips through the Romulan fleet, rapidly turning each ship into burning debris.
Onboard Sherok's Ship...
Sherok: Destroy the station!
The Intrepid Decloaks directly between Sherok's ship and the Station.
Romulan Officer: Sir!  Their shields are down.
Sherok: What?
Romulan: And their weapons are down.
Onboard the Intrepid...
The crew pick themselves up off the floor, Billy vomits.
Quin: Well, all of the expendable crewmen died....
Billy: The Romulan ship!
Billy: What the,... what are you doing????  Put the shields back up!
The Camera pans to Intrepid.  She is dressed up like Marry Poppis.   She whacks Billy with her umbrella.
Intrepid: IF you would so kindly look at your chronometers, it is tea time!
A channel is opened to Sherok's Ship.
Intrepid: Good day, Sirs.  I am Margret Thatcher!  As you are no doubt aware, it is now tea time.
Sherok: Tea time?
Intrepid: Right!  I invite you to come to my ship for tea and crumpets.
Booke: Oh I love crumpets!
Sherok: Destory them!
Booke: NO!
Sherok: You idiot... they just killed over 9000 of our troops, destroyed our fleet.  We have them in our sights!
Booke: No.   I will not pass up crumpets.   If you have a problem with that you may take it up with the Tal Shiar!
Sherok scowls and is quiet.
Booke: I would be delighted to join you madam!
Intrepid: Very well, we shall meet in the conference room.
Intrepid hits him with her umbrella.
Intrepid: Manners, Sir Korn!  Or I will strip you of your honor!
Korn, for once is taken aback.
Intrepid: You will sit and drink your tea.  You will hold your cup daintily with your pinky out and you will enjoy polite conversation.
Billy: But..
Billy: I...
Quin: Just.... go with it. She's playing by some very old rules.... which are very scrambled.
Data: Iwol is hailing us..
Intrepid: well invite him to tea as well.
Meanwhile on the station..
Scotty: Lad, we just got a transmission..... we're invited for tea and crumpets?
Later onboard the Intrepid...
We see a close up on Korn.  He scowls as he holds a teacup between his thumb and forefinger- pinky out and takes a sip.
Booke: Oh my this is lovely.  These are delicious crumpets, Miss Thatcher.
Intrepid: Oh go on.... and please call me Margret.
Booke: Well, Margret I think we might be able to resolve our differences here.
Intrepid: Oh my I'm so delighted to hear that.  You know all it takes is a spoonful of sugar.
Booke: Sugar?
Intrepid: Yes... you see <she begins to sing>  A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down...
Korn pulls out his K'Nife, and points it towards his chest.  Billy and Quin jump on him and try to hold the k' nife back.
Korn: Allow me to die with honor!!!!
Booke smiles and claps to the song.
A while later...
Iwol stands outside an airlock.   The doors roll open and Billy steps out.
Iwol: My ship..... thinks she is Margret Thatcher.
Billy: Yes sir.
Iwol: Why does my ship think she's Margret Thatcher?
Billy: Well, we took some damage.... she must have gotten confused.
Iwol: And Booke?
Billy: They are on their way out now, sir.  I just thought I would try to brace you...
Iwol: For?
Intrepid, Booke, and Korn step out of the Airlock.
Iwol: My ship is dressed like Marry Poppins.
Billy: Er.... yes, sir.
Iwol: Why is my ship dressed like Marry Poppins?
Billy: um...
Iwol: We're in space.... why does she have an umbrella?
Intrepid: So delighted to meet you, Captain.   Now, this man is a guest of the Empire.   He shall be afforded quarter and I do expect you to give him the best accommodations.
Iwol: Oh don't worry.  We'll take care of him.  Billy, why don't escort Miss Thatcher here to Sickbay....
Billy: Aye, sir.
Billy takes Intrepid down a corridor.   Lore walks around the corner coated in green blood. 
Booke: Hi, fellas!
Iwol pulls out his phaser and fires, quickly reducing Booke to a pile of ashes.  Korn beings to pee on the ashes and Lore stomps on them angrily.
Later in Ops...
The lift comes up, Intrepid and Anal are aboard.
Intrepid: My good, Doctor I do not care what your credentials are, I am Queen of the Britons and I will not be violated in such a manner!
Iwol: Anal!
Anal: I was just trying to get at her unit.
Intrepid: Oh Don't I know it!  You are a pervert!
She smacks him with her Umbrella.
Intrepid: Now, captain I remind you again not to fire on the Soviet ship.  We are going to start negotiations.
The transporter energizes and Lore is beamed into Ops. He gives Iwol a nod.
Iwol: Of course, Miss Thatcher.  We wouldn't dream of it....
On the viewscreen we see the ship explode.
Iwol: Oh dear, they seem to have had a malfunction.
Lore: Yeah it seems that someone.... I mean somehow their engine containment failed.
Iwol: yup, I'd say that's what happened.
Intrepid: Oh dear, the poor buggars.  Communists have terrible safety standards you know.
The comm beeps..
Quin: Captain, I've managed to disconnect her from the ship's controls now.  We don't have to worry now.
Iwol: I highly doubt that last part.   Beam her to Engineering and see what you can do.
Intrepid is beamed away.
Iwol: Scotty,, are you there.
Scotty: Aye lad.
Intrepid(in the background): Unhand me!  I am you Queen!
Iwol: I need you to repair the ship.  We could come under attack again at any time.
Scotty: Och, lad.   She is nae on good shape.  It will take at least a month in drydock...
Iwol: you have 10 minutes.
Scotty: Aye.
The comm terminates.
Iwol: Well, at least now we know who is behind the Romulan attacks.
Korn: I want more killings.
Lore: As do I.
Iwol: Don't worry, that's never in short supply around here.
Korn: Yes, this place has much honor.
Anal: Right.....   still though this situation has wrapped up quite nicely.   I'm glad it's all over with.
They all glare at Anal.
Anal: What?  Why are you all...... oh no..... I just said that didn't I.
A flame appears out of nowhere.
Iwol: yup,  you did.
Butthead's Voice comes from the flame.
Butthead: Snort.
Iwol: Oh no..... you can't possibly mean now.
Butthead: SNORT!
Iwol: Ok, ok we'll be there.   Gahh!
The flame disappears.
Lore: Captain?
Iwol: Red Alert!  All hands to the Intrepid.  This is not a drill.    You really did it this time, Anal..
Korn: Good going homo.
Lore: butt boy...
Everyone but Anal heads for the lift.
Anal: What is going on?
Iwol: Get over here NOW!
Anal heads towards the lift

Korn sits down at the bar.
Korn: BARTENDER! Ractigino!
Iwol: [aside] what he doesn't know is we replaced his Klingon koffe with all new Holdyer Crystals. Let's see if he notices.
Korn: [sips coffee and spits it out]Aggh! This is the most dishonorable putrid helspawnish crap from hell I have ever tasted! [throws away cup.] YOU! Ferengi P'tok! Get me a Spock Ice!
The Ferengi brings him a tall frothy glass of Spock Ice. Korn kills the Ferengi.
Korn: Much better.
Iwol: My work here is done.

Spock Ice. Why have koffe when you're already hung over?

The Intrepid is zooming through space to some unknown destination....
Iwol sits in the Captain's chair with a look of great concern.
Iwol: Increase speed.
Expendable helmsman: We're already at maximum warp sir.
Expendable Helmsman's head falls off and rolls across the floor.
The turbolift doors woosh open and Intrepid enters the bridge.  She is dressed in her normal skimpy outfit. Everyone stares.
Intrepid: I'm better now, sir.
Iwol: Take your station.
She nods and sits at the helm.
Iwol: Increase speed to transwarp.
Billy: Sir?  What is going on.
Iwol: I can't explain.... it's complicated.   Also weird.
Lore: As opposed to every other episode?
Iwol: good point.
Intrepid pulls the big lever on the side of her console and everyone is jolted back in their seats.
Q appears on the bridge.
Q: Hey what are you doing?
On the viewscreen a bright light is seen ahead.
Quin: There's some kind of singularity ahead...
Butthead, Acid Calf, and Striped-Ass appear in a burst of flame in the middle of the bridge.   They are chanting something in cow and form a triangle of fire.
Q: What?  NO!  NO!  Do you have ANY idea the forces you are meddling with here?  Do you even have a CLUE what you are about to do?
Iwol: They do.
Q: I'm stopping this right now!
A burst of flame shoots from the cows and hits Q.
Q: Fine!  Enjoy your universe!
He smirks and disappears.
The ship begins shaking violently.
Iwol: More speed!  More speed.
Quin: uhhhhhhh....
Billy: This doesn't look like a good idea, sir.
Iwol: Divert life support to the engines.  We have to have enough speed!
Korn: Is it... honorable?
The ship shakes harder, a blinding light fills the bridge, everything turns a blinding white....  and then silence.
The light fades to the crew, minus Billy and Booke standing in the conference room on the station.
Iwol: And in light of the extraordinary events of the past few days.... if you can call it the past few days...  and since Billy is gone...
Korn: Please no...
Iwol: I reinstate Booke as Commander and First Officer of the Intrepid, with all the privileges and responsibilities of that rank.
Lore: Wait until later....
Iwol: And Data will be watching him to make sure nothing happens....
Booke: Thanks, guys!  It's sure nifty to be back and part of the team again.
Iwol: Don't push it.
Korn: It is not honorable...
Butthead: Not really, but.... let's just say it's good to keep things balanced.  Besides, he's mortal now.
She winks at Iwol.