The Intrepid drops out of warp and enters sector 325...
Billy gets up from the command chair on the bridge.
Data: Nothing on standard sensor scans.
Korn: They are here... watching us....
Intrepid: How do you know that?
Korn: I AM KLINGON!
Quin: There's a Quasar in this sector emitting high levels of quantum
radiation. If the Romulans are here, they will be hard to find.
Billy: Is there any way you can compensate?
Quin: If we get the frequency level of the background radiation, we
might be able to put out a cadian pulse that will temporarily nullify
it's effects. The problem is we will have to do some pretty
advanced calculations to come up with the frequency and power level of
the pulse. Might take a few hours...
Intrepid: 402.12567 terrahertz at 465.2 terrawatts for .531 seconds.
Data cocks his head.
Data: Those are the correct settings.
Quin mumbles something under his breath and hits a few buttons.
Billy: Do it....
Quin punches some more buttons.
Quin: I'm picking up warp trails leaving the system.... I'd say
nearly 100 ships. They seem to be headed in the direction
of that station.
Billy: Send a message. Warn them.
Data: Our signals are being jammed.
Billy: Get that message out, Data! Intrepid plot a course for the
station, maximum warp!
Quin: Oh no... Sir, I'm detecting a number of warp trails that doubled
Billy: Shields up!
The ship is rocked by weapons fire, several of the expendables on the
bridge are killed.
Intrepid: Warp engines are down!
Billy: Evasive maneuvers, Korn, fire!
Korn: WE DIE WITH HONOR!
One of the Romulan ships is hit and drifts off, leaking drive plasma
from it's engines. The Intrepid is hit again.
Several panels on the bridge explode. Intrepid starts flickering
and falls out of her seat.
Billy: Data, take the helm!
Data jumps into the helm chair and hits some buttons.
Data: I am not getting any response from the helm, sir!
Quin: The control pathways are destroyed.
The ship is hit again, more expendables are blow apart.
Billy: Give me SOMETHING!
Intrepid stands up and looks very loopy.
Intrepid: Living tingles..... ooooh pretty!
Quin: The computer links are still intact. We could enact our new
program... hand over control to Intrepid.
Billy: She doesn't exactly look up to it.
Intrepid addresses the wall...
Intrepid: I am too up to it, I'm A-OK!
She walks into the wall and falls over.
Intrepid: If one of you could just tell me who I am....
Billy: Oh god.....
Quin: It's our only chance.
Billy: Do it...
Intrepid sneezes and flickers away for a moment, then reappears
Intrepid: Ohhhh..... I remember!
Iwol stands in Ops.
Iwol: Red alert.
The warning claxton sounds and all the red lights go on.
Scotty: I'm scanning, lad but I don't detect anything.
Lore: They must be cloaked.
Iwol: I hope my ship is ok..... Raise shields and power up
the defensive systems.
Scotty: Vessels decloaking, sir!
They look at the viewscreen and see a fleet of Romulan ships decloak.
Scotty: They are hailing us.
Iwol: put them on.
A Romulan appears on the screen.
Romulan: I am Captain Sherok. We have you outnumbered and
out gunned, captain. I have over 9000 troops aboard.
However, if you surrender now we have an offer for you.
Iwol: What offer?
Sherok: Join us. My benefactor wishes to work with you.
Iwol: Who is your benefactor?
A figure steps out from the shadows, as he approaches we see that it is
Iwol: Open fire, all weapons!
The view screen switches back to the ships, dozens of torpedoes come
flying at them, several are destroyed.
Lore: Korn is going to be pissed off when he finds out we did this
The station is rocked by weapons fire as the Romulans attack.
Iwol: Fire odd numbered launchers!
More torpedoes come flying from the station and take out a few more
Romulans. The station is hit again, fireballs from small
explosions ripple along one of the pylons.
Scotty: She canna take it, Cap'n!
Iwol: Fire even launchers!
More torpedoes fly from the station, a few more Romulan ships
explode. Phaser fire ripples out in all directions from the
station, striking many Romulan ships. A group for 3
Romulan ships makes an attack run on the station, explosions come from
the habitat ring.
Scotty: Shields are down!
Romulan soldiers begin beaming onto the promenade.
Expendable crewmen begin firing at them, many die. One of
the Romulans steps forward and screams in pain. He looks
down to see his leg caught in a bear trap.
Meanwhile in Ops...
Iwol kills a Romulan with his phasers, he turns around to see Lore
break the last Romulan in Ops over his back.
Iwol: Scotty, get those shields back up!
Scotty: Aye, sir I'm workin on it!
Xenia looks up from a console.
Xenia: Sir, zee Romulans are taking control of station. Ve
have lost all expendables.
Lore looks urgently at Iwol.
Lore grins and takes the Lift down to the Promenade.
Scotty: Sir, the Romulan commander is hailing.
Iwol: On screen!
Sherok: Captain, you have put up a brave fight, but we have troops on
your station. We have you surrounded, and your shields are
down. I want to give you one last chance to join us.
Iwol Glares at him...
a Hard case? Need a Private Dick?
Contact Xavier, P.I.
Iwol paces back and forth in Ops...
Booke: It's very simple, Captain. Fiery painful death, or
work for me.
Iwol: I'm THINKING.
Suddenly there's a beep and a female voice with a very bad British
accent comes over the comm.
Voice: Attention Soviet vessels, this is Margret Thatcher, Queen of the
Sherok: Come now, Captain. Everyone knows you create very
confusing ruses to throw off your enemies.
Booke: Really, Captain... did you think we'd fall for it?
Scotty: But we did nae...... och... ye did not tell me?
Iwol: I have no idea wha.... er... um yeah. Yeah, you
found me out. My luck has finally run out I suppose.
Voice: Soviet Vessels, return to international waters immediately or
face the wrath of the Royal Navy!
Iwol: Ha! You have fallen for it.
Booke: For what?
Iwol: My clever ruse! We have your ships rigged to.......
uh.. explode! Yup, explode. This delay has allowed us to
hide explosives on your ships.
Scotty: We did?
Iwol gives Scotty a look.
Scotty: OHhhhh Aye, lad. Yes the explosives are ready to be
Sherok: I do not believe you! Trace the source of that
Voice: Very well, communist bastards! Face the wrath of MARGRET
A Romulan off Camera: Sir, one of our ships was just destroyed!
Iwol(whispering to Scotty): How did you do that?
Scotty: Was nae me, lad..
He looks down at his console.
Scotty: Och, ye will nae believe this...
Iwol: What? Put it on screen...
The Intrepid briefly Decloaks, rips through a Romulan ship with it's
phasers, dodges several torpedoes and cloaks again.
Iwol: The new interface program...
Scotty: Aye, lad.
The Intrepid zips through the Romulan fleet, rapidly turning each ship
into burning debris.
Onboard Sherok's Ship...
Sherok: Destroy the station!
The Intrepid Decloaks directly between Sherok's ship and the Station.
Romulan Officer: Sir! Their shields are down.
Romulan: And their weapons are down.
Onboard the Intrepid...
The crew pick themselves up off the floor, Billy vomits.
Quin: Well, all of the expendable crewmen died....
Billy: The Romulan ship!
Korn: FINISH THEM!
Billy: What the,... what are you doing???? Put the shields back
The Camera pans to Intrepid. She is dressed up like Marry
Poppis. She whacks Billy with her umbrella.
Intrepid: IF you would so kindly look at your chronometers, it is tea
A channel is opened to Sherok's Ship.
Intrepid: Good day, Sirs. I am Margret Thatcher! As you are
no doubt aware, it is now tea time.
Sherok: Tea time?
Intrepid: Right! I invite you to come to my ship for tea and
Booke: Oh I love crumpets!
Sherok: Destory them!
Sherok: You idiot... they just killed over 9000 of our troops,
destroyed our fleet. We have them in our sights!
Booke: No. I will not pass up crumpets. If you
have a problem with that you may take it up with the Tal Shiar!
Sherok scowls and is quiet.
Booke: I would be delighted to join you madam!
Intrepid: Very well, we shall meet in the conference room.
Korn: WITH HIM??? THERE ARE ENEMIES ALIVE.... BOOKE IS ALIVE AND
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT WE WILL SIT AND EAT PASTRIES AND SIP TEA WITH
HIM? THIS IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WITHOUT HONOR!!!!!!!!!
Intrepid hits him with her umbrella.
Intrepid: Manners, Sir Korn! Or I will strip you of your honor!
Korn, for once is taken aback.
Intrepid: You will sit and drink your tea. You will hold your cup
daintily with your pinky out and you will enjoy polite conversation.
Intrepid: IS THAT CLEAR, SIR WILLIAM?
Quin: Just.... go with it. She's playing by some very old rules....
which are very scrambled.
Data: Iwol is hailing us..
Intrepid: well invite him to tea as well.
Meanwhile on the station..
Iwol: MOVE!!! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!
Scotty: Lad, we just got a transmission..... we're invited for tea and
Later onboard the Intrepid...
We see a close up on Korn. He scowls as he holds a teacup between
his thumb and forefinger- pinky out and takes a sip.
Booke: Oh my this is lovely. These are delicious crumpets, Miss
Intrepid: Oh go on.... and please call me Margret.
Booke: Well, Margret I think we might be able to resolve our
Intrepid: Oh my I'm so delighted to hear that. You know all it
takes is a spoonful of sugar.
Intrepid: Yes... you see <she begins to sing> A spoonful of
sugar makes the medicine go down...
Korn pulls out his K'Nife, and points it towards his chest. Billy
and Quin jump on him and try to hold the k' nife back.
Korn: Allow me to die with honor!!!!
Booke smiles and claps to the song.
A while later...
Iwol stands outside an airlock. The doors roll open and
Billy steps out.
Iwol: My ship..... thinks she is Margret Thatcher.
Billy: Yes sir.
Iwol: Why does my ship think she's Margret Thatcher?
Billy: Well, we took some damage.... she must have gotten confused.
Iwol: And Booke?
Billy: They are on their way out now, sir. I just thought I would
try to brace you...
Intrepid, Booke, and Korn step out of the Airlock.
Iwol: My ship is dressed like Marry Poppins.
Billy: Er.... yes, sir.
Iwol: Why is my ship dressed like Marry Poppins?
Iwol: We're in space.... why does she have an umbrella?
Intrepid: So delighted to meet you, Captain. Now, this man
is a guest of the Empire. He shall be afforded quarter and
I do expect you to give him the best accommodations.
Iwol: Oh don't worry. We'll take care of him. Billy, why
don't escort Miss Thatcher here to Sickbay....
Billy: Aye, sir.
Billy takes Intrepid down a corridor. Lore walks around the
corner coated in green blood.
Booke: Hi, fellas!
Iwol pulls out his phaser and fires, quickly reducing Booke to a pile
of ashes. Korn beings to pee on the ashes and Lore stomps on them
Later in Ops...
The lift comes up, Intrepid and Anal are aboard.
Intrepid: My good, Doctor I do not care what your credentials are, I am
Queen of the Britons and I will not be violated in such a manner!
Anal: I was just trying to get at her unit.
Intrepid: Oh Don't I know it! You are a pervert!
She smacks him with her Umbrella.
Intrepid: Now, captain I remind you again not to fire on the Soviet
ship. We are going to start negotiations.
The transporter energizes and Lore is beamed into Ops. He gives Iwol a
Iwol: Of course, Miss Thatcher. We wouldn't dream of it....
On the viewscreen we see the ship explode.
Iwol: Oh dear, they seem to have had a malfunction.
Lore: Yeah it seems that someone.... I mean somehow their engine
Iwol: yup, I'd say that's what happened.
Intrepid: Oh dear, the poor buggars. Communists have terrible
safety standards you know.
The comm beeps..
Quin: Captain, I've managed to disconnect her from the ship's controls
now. We don't have to worry now.
Iwol: I highly doubt that last part. Beam her to
Engineering and see what you can do.
Intrepid is beamed away.
Iwol: Scotty,, are you there.
Scotty: Aye lad.
Intrepid(in the background): Unhand me! I am you Queen!
Iwol: I need you to repair the ship. We could come under attack
again at any time.
Scotty: Och, lad. She is nae on good shape. It will
take at least a month in drydock...
Iwol: you have 10 minutes.
The comm terminates.
Iwol: Well, at least now we know who is behind the Romulan attacks.
Korn: I want more killings.
Lore: As do I.
Iwol: Don't worry, that's never in short supply around here.
Korn: Yes, this place has much honor.
Anal: Right..... still though this situation has wrapped up
quite nicely. I'm glad it's all over with.
They all glare at Anal.
Anal: What? Why are you all...... oh no..... I just said that
A flame appears out of nowhere.
Iwol: yup, you did.
Butthead's Voice comes from the flame.
Iwol: Oh no..... you can't possibly mean now.
Iwol: Ok, ok we'll be there. Gahh!
The flame disappears.
Iwol: Red Alert! All hands to the Intrepid. This is not a
drill. You really did it this time, Anal..
Korn: Good going homo.
Lore: butt boy...
Everyone but Anal heads for the lift.
Anal: What is going on?
Iwol: Get over here NOW!
Anal heads towards the lift
Korn sits down at the bar.
Why have koffe when you're already hung over?
Korn: BARTENDER! Ractigino!
Iwol: [aside] what he doesn't know is we replaced
his Klingon koffe with all new Holdyer Crystals. Let's see if he
Korn: [sips coffee and spits it out]Aggh! This
is the most dishonorable putrid helspawnish crap from hell I have ever
tasted! [throws away cup.] YOU! Ferengi P'tok! Get me a Spock Ice!
The Ferengi brings him a tall frothy glass of
Spock Ice. Korn kills the Ferengi.
Korn: Much better.
Iwol: My work here is done.
The Intrepid is zooming through space to some unknown destination....
Iwol sits in the Captain's chair with a look of great concern.
Iwol: Increase speed.
Expendable helmsman: We're already at maximum warp sir.
Expendable Helmsman's head falls off and rolls across the floor.
The turbolift doors woosh open and Intrepid enters the bridge.
She is dressed in her normal skimpy outfit. Everyone stares.
Intrepid: I'm better now, sir.
Iwol: Take your station.
She nods and sits at the helm.
Iwol: Increase speed to transwarp.
Billy: Sir? What is going on.
Iwol: I can't explain.... it's complicated. Also weird.
Lore: As opposed to every other episode?
Iwol: good point.
Intrepid pulls the big lever on the side of her console and everyone is
jolted back in their seats.
Q appears on the bridge.
Q: Hey what are you doing?
On the viewscreen a bright light is seen ahead.
Quin: There's some kind of singularity ahead...
Butthead, Acid Calf, and Striped-Ass appear in a burst of flame in the
middle of the bridge. They are chanting something in cow
and form a triangle of fire.
Q: What? NO! NO! Do you have ANY idea the forces you
are meddling with here? Do you even have a CLUE what you are
about to do?
Iwol: They do.
Q: I'm stopping this right now!
A burst of flame shoots from the cows and hits Q.
Q: Fine! Enjoy your universe!
He smirks and disappears.
The ship begins shaking violently.
Iwol: More speed! More speed.
Billy: This doesn't look like a good idea, sir.
Iwol: Divert life support to the engines. We have to have enough
Korn: Is it... honorable?
The ship shakes harder, a blinding light fills the bridge, everything
turns a blinding white.... and then silence.
The light fades to the crew, minus Billy and Booke standing in the
conference room on the station.
Iwol: And in light of the extraordinary events of the past few days....
if you can call it the past few days... and since Billy is gone...
Korn: Please no...
Iwol: I reinstate Booke as Commander and First Officer of the Intrepid,
with all the privileges and responsibilities of that rank.
Lore: Wait until later....
Iwol: And Data will be watching him to make sure nothing happens....
Booke: Thanks, guys! It's sure nifty to be back and part of the
Iwol: Don't push it.
Korn: It is not honorable...
Butthead: Not really, but.... let's just say it's good to keep things
balanced. Besides, he's mortal now.
She winks at Iwol.
THE ABRUPT END!