Anal enters the infirmary.
Booke is lying on a biobed unconscious.
Anal: Well that didn't take long.
He scans him with a tricorder. Iwol and Data enter the room.
Iwol: What happened?
Anal: Well... he's alive but out cold. He has some kind of
pecking marks on his face, his testicles are shattered, and there's a
wound in his chest..
Data: Can you have the computer check the wound to see if it can
determine the cause?
Anal: Oh I've seen this one enough... that's a K'nife wound.
Iwol: Well that figures.
Data: I'll round up some suspects, sir.
Iwol: Yeah, get Korn up to my office... and bring in Lore too.
Data: I always investigate Lore, sir.
Iwol: Very well.
Later in Iwol's office...
Lore: This is preposterous! Why is it that every time someone
dies you investigate ME?
Iwol and Data stare at him.
Lore: Oh.... right... well this time it wasn't me. I
always obey your orders, sir!
Iwol crosses his arms.
Lore: Right. Well I did THIS time.
Data: Lore, can you offer us anything that might prove your innocence?
Lore: Did he die?
Data: No.
Lore: Well there you go, have you ever known me to leave a job
unfinished?
Iwol: Ok... you can leave. But we may interview your
further.
Lore storms out.
Iwol: He's got us there... Lore hasn't ever left a victim alive.
Data: Shall I bring in Korn?
Iwol: Yes. We can be pretty sure he was involved.
Data hits a button.
Data: Korn, we are ready for you.
Korn enters the office and scowls.
Iwol: Korn, did you try to kill Booke.
Korn: No, Captain.
Data: Korn, we found a K'nife wound on Booke.
Korn: DARE YOU QUESTION MY HONOR?
Iwol: Korn, did you stab him?
Korn: Yes.
Iwol: You just said you didn't try to kill him.
Korn: That's right.
Data: But you stabbed him.
Korn: Yes.
Iwol: And that's not trying to kill him?
Korn: He startled me.
Iwol blinks.
Data: Could you explain that, Korn.
Korn scowls.
Korn: I received a call from Booke that someone broke into his
quarters. I responded, he was babbling on about something.
I honestly wasn't listening. Then he screamed and I was
startled. So I stabbed him.
Iwol: When you are startled, you stab people?
Korn: A warrior's reaction.
Data: And his face and testicles?
Korn: I know not of his face, it looked as it always
does... BUT A KLINGON WARRIOR DOES NOT STRIKE ANOTHER
WARRIOR'S BALLS!
Iwol: Ok, but what did you do after you stabbed him?
Korn: I left.
Data: You left?
Korn: Yes.
Iwol: Without calling anyone? Without doing anything... you
just left?
Korn: Correct.
Data: Korn, shouldn't you have made sure he was ok?
Korn: It was not a fatal blow!
Iwol: *sigh* Dismissed!
Korn leaves.
Iwol: I believe him...
Data: But then we're still missing something.
Iwol: Yes... strange. Call Lore back in...
Meanwhile...
Anal is back in Quark's with Anna.
Anal: I am sorry, my dear. Unfortunately I have been graced with
these deft hands that allow me to save lives.
Anna: I see... well I might have some more uses for those hands of
yours.
Anal: Really?
Anna presses up against him.
Anna: Why don't you take me back to your place, and you can... tell me
to bend over and think of Christmas.
Anal's expression suddenly turns to terror.
Anal: Christmas? CHRISTMAS??????????
He gets up and runs away in tears.
Anna: What did I say?
Back in Iwol's office...
Lore: Dammit I didn't smash his balls or peck his face! How would
I do that, I don't even have a pecker!
Iwol snickers.
Lore: SHUT UP!
The comm chimes.
Booke: Captain... I'm awake, and I have much to tell you.
Iwol and Data look at each other. Dramatic music plays.
COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!
Anal lays on a couch in Butthead's
office.
Butthead: So, you have a horrible Christmas memory?
Anal: Yes, it has haunted me for years. I need to get over it.
Butthead: Well, we can either go through years of counseling and get
you over it, or we can use a dangerous and dramatic cow technique which
will most likely instantly cure it.
Anal: By all means, the cow technique. I have sex riding on this.
Butthead nods. She walks over to him and slaps her tongue on the
side of his face.
Butthead: snort snort....
We fade away to a distant memory. We see a very young anal
in his bed. His Mother Semon is in the background, Anal is
sticking his butt in the air.
Anal: Take my temperature, mommy!
A noise is heard and Anal's dad, Rodger comes in. He is carrying
a small Christmas tree and seems to be very intoxicated.
Rodger: Merry Christmas!
Semon: Honey, Anal is sick, could you take his temperature for me?
Rodger: Sure!
He picks up the thermometer while still holding the tree.
Rodger: How does this thing work?
Semon: Just jam it in there.
In his intoxicated state, Rodger stumbles over to Anal. We see
him thrust the tree down towards anal. Anal screams.
Semon: OH MY GOD!!!!
Anal awakes from the tongue meld in a cold sweat.
Anal: My god.... I was violated with a tree! But...I feel
ok. Butthead I'm cured! Thank you!
Butthead: That's my job.
Meanwhile in infirmary..
Iwol and Data are standing over Booke.
Iwol: What happened?
Booke: Well I came back to my quarters and found that... that bird had
smashed my collection of Microsoft CDs.
Data: Tux?
Booke: Yes.... that bird. So anyway, I called Korn to report the
crime. He wasn't being very helpful, I'm pretty sure he was drunk.
Iwol: Well that's actually a good thing...
Booke: Well.. I know. Anyway I suddenly saw the bird under my bed
and I screamed. Then Korn stabbed me for some reason.
Iwol: Yes... it's a warrior's reaction apparently.
Booke: Well, he left me there! Anyway I had enough energy still
to grab the bird and strangle the life out of him!
Iwol: Oh I see where this is going.
Booke: Yes, your holographic love doll materialized behind me. I
turned around and she kicked me in the testicles. I passed out at
that point.
Iwol: First off, she's a vital crew member and I suggest you get used
to it. Second, I can't really blame them. We have strict
rules against Microsoft products on my ship.
Booke frowns.
Data: But, sir that doesn't explain everything.
Iwol: Sure it does, the penguin left the pecking marks...
Data: Clearly, but Booke wasn't found in his quarters.
Iwol: what?
Data: they found him outside the Intrepid's airlock where he was found
quickly. If not for that, he likely would have died.
Iwol: More interviews...
Data: I'm afraid so, sir.
Iwol: Damn...
Iwol and Data leave the Infirmary, at the same time Anna walks in.
Anna: Excuse me, have you seen Steve?
Booke: Steve?
Anna: Yes, you know... your doctor?
Booke: I don't know a Steve. Our doctor's name is Anal.
Anna: strange...
Meanwhile in Iwol's office.
Intrepid: Yes, sir. He was hurting tux!
Iwol: Well, I suppose we can put this one up to defending a
shipmate.
Data: So, then you moved him?
Intrepid: well... no
Iwol: You left him to die.
Intrepid; He hurt my penguin!
Iwol: Again, I know I should have a problem with it but I just don't
Data: But then how....
Iwol: Get Lore back in here..
Data: He won't like it.
Iwol: It's the only explanation left.
Data: Lore..... saved Booke?
Iwol: I know... I know.
Back at the Infirmary...
Anal enters in a very happy mood.
Anal: Booke, have you seen a woman?
Booke: Why yes, I've seen quite a few in my days..
Anal: No, you Melvin! I meant did you see a really hot one just
recently.
Booke; OH yes, she was looking for you. She thought your
name was Steve.
Anal frowns.
Anal: What?
Booke: Yeah she thought you were Steve. I set her straight though.
Anal runs out of the Infirmary and out into the Promenade.
He finds Anna looking out of a window. She turns to face him.
Anna: Your real name... is Anal.
Anal: NO! No! I'm..... *sigh* it's AH-nel. my
name is Ahnel.
Anna: Right... that's what I said. Anal.
Anal: *sigh*
Anna: I'm sorry.... I'm just too grossed out.
She walks away. Anal's face turns red and he starts twitching.
Back in Iwol's office...
Lore: Dammit, Captain. I told you I didn't kill him! I kill
everyone, I know but not this time! I always make sure they die,
he lived!
Iwol: We know, Lore.
Lore: that's horse cra.... er.. you do?
Data: Yes.
Iwol: You rescued him, didn't you Lore.
Lore: NO! NEVER!
Data: Lore....
Lore looks extremely embarrassed.
Lore: Ok.... ok. I
was
going to kill him. I entered his quarters with a meat
tenderizer but found him unconscious and bleeding to death.
Iwol: And you moved him?
Lore: *sigh* yes. I didn't want to miss out on slowly
beating him to death in a slow painful orgy of blood.
Iwol: I see.
Lore: So.... I drug him outside the airlock where he would be found so
I could kill him later.
Data: Well, that wraps that up.
Iwol: Indeed.
Iwol takes a swig of Spock Ice.
The comm beeps.
Korn: Captain! You must come to the Promenade! It's
wonderful!
Iwol: What?
Korn: Just come here! For HONOR!
Iwol: Ok... ok...
They all leave his office..
A minute later...
Iwol, Data, and Lore step off the lift and onto the
promenade. They immediately feel a chill- it is very cold
and snow is falling.
Iwol: what the...
They see a crowd ahead and approach it, pushing their way
through. When they see what everyone is looking at they are
stunned.
Booke is laying flat on his stomach with a large Christmas tree
protruding from his rectum.
Booke: owie
Lore grins.
Lore: It's a Christmas miracle!
Suddenly they hear commotion from the upper level, Anal is running
through the crowds naked, throwing out Christmas wreaths to everyone.
Anal: MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Lore: Ho ho ho!
Data: I can round up suspects...
Iwol: Oh please, no. I need a drink.
They step over Booke and head to Quark's for a drink.
THE
(rear)
END!
Anal: Merry Christmas!!!