Writer: Behold, a beautiful Christmas tale that you'll want to share with your children and pass down through the ages!

Iwol sits at his desk in his office, from his expression he is clearly not happy.   He takes a sip of Spock Ice and crosses his arms.
Intrepid: But, sir it's Christmas!
Intrepid and Korn are standing on the opposite side of the desk.
Iwol: You've been firing on every ship approaching the station.
Korn: It was not a fatal blow!
Iwol: I don't care.  you're driving away customers.
Korn: But surely our holiday cheer would attract more customers!
Iwol: What?
Intrepid: I made one phaser green and the other one red.  Christmas colors!
She jumps up down, jiggling her boobs excessively.
Iwol: uh...huh....
Korn: Please, sir.
Iwol: Ok since it's Christmas.... check each ship.   If they don't have any money, then you can shoot at them.  But no paying customers!
Korn: Aye, sir!
Intrepid: There's a ship full of Bajoran Refugees coming in!
They both scramble out the door.  Iwol takes another drink.

Meanwhile in Quark's...
Anal sits at a table.... and oddly enough there's a very attractive woman sitting with him.
Woman: My name is Anna, what's yours.
Anal: I'm AH....er... Steve.  I'm Steve.
Anna: So you're a Doctor?
Anal:  Why, yes I am.... I can give you a physical.
Anna: Oooh Doctors are sexy
Anal: So are you my dear.
Anna: SO what does sexy Dr Steve do for fun?
Anal: Well honestly I don't get out much.  Being a Doctor around here is an around the clock job.
Anna: Well, maybe we can find you something to.... ease your tensions?
Anal's comm badge chirps.
Expendable Nurse: Anal, we need you in the infirmary immediately.....     AHHHHHHHRHRHRR
(presumably she died)
Anal: I'm sorry, my dear I mist go.
Anna: why did she call you "Anal"? 
Anal: Oh... uh it's a little joke.

Come for a visit stay to get drunk.

Anal enters the infirmary.   Booke is lying on a biobed unconscious.
Anal: Well that didn't take long.
He scans him with a tricorder.   Iwol and Data enter the room.
Iwol: What happened?
Anal: Well... he's alive but out cold.  He has some kind of pecking marks on his face, his testicles are shattered, and there's a wound in his chest..
Data: Can you have the computer check the wound to see if it can determine the cause?
Anal: Oh I've seen this one enough... that's a K'nife wound.
Iwol: Well that figures.
Data: I'll round up some suspects, sir.
Iwol: Yeah, get Korn up to my office... and bring in Lore too.
Data: I always investigate Lore, sir.
Iwol: Very well. 

Later in Iwol's office...
Lore: This is preposterous!  Why is it that every time someone dies you investigate ME?
Iwol and Data stare at him.
Lore: Oh.... right...  well this time it wasn't me.   I always obey your orders, sir!
Iwol crosses his arms.
Lore: Right.   Well I did THIS time.
Data: Lore, can you offer us anything that might prove your innocence?
Lore: Did he die?
Data: No.
Lore: Well there you go, have you ever known me to leave a job unfinished?
Iwol: Ok... you can leave.   But we may interview your further.
Lore storms out.
Iwol: He's got us there... Lore hasn't ever left a victim alive.
Data: Shall I bring in Korn?
Iwol: Yes.   We can be pretty sure he was involved.
Data hits a button. 
Data: Korn, we are ready for you.
Korn enters the office and scowls.
Iwol: Korn, did you try to kill Booke.
Korn: No, Captain.
Data: Korn, we found a K'nife wound on Booke.
Iwol: Korn, did you stab him?
Korn: Yes.
Iwol: You just said you didn't try to kill him.
Korn: That's right. 
Data: But you stabbed him.
Korn: Yes.
Iwol: And that's not trying to kill him?
Korn: He startled me.
Iwol blinks.
Data: Could you explain that, Korn.
Korn scowls.
Korn: I received a call from Booke that someone broke into his quarters.  I responded, he was babbling on about something.  I honestly wasn't listening.   Then he screamed and I was startled.  So I stabbed him.
Iwol: When you are startled, you stab people?
Korn: A warrior's reaction.
Data: And his face and testicles?
Korn: I know not of his face, it looked as it always does...   BUT A KLINGON WARRIOR DOES NOT STRIKE ANOTHER WARRIOR'S BALLS!
Iwol: Ok,  but what did you do after you stabbed him?
Korn: I left.
Data: You left?
Korn: Yes.
Iwol: Without calling anyone?   Without doing anything... you just left?
Korn: Correct.
Data: Korn, shouldn't you have made sure he was ok?
Korn: It was not a fatal blow!
Iwol: *sigh* Dismissed!
Korn leaves.
Iwol: I believe him...
Data: But then we're still missing something.
Iwol: Yes... strange.   Call Lore back in...

Anal is back in Quark's with Anna.
Anal: I am sorry, my dear.  Unfortunately I have been graced with these deft hands that allow me to save lives.
Anna: I see... well I might have some more uses for those hands of yours.
Anal: Really?
Anna presses up against him.
Anna: Why don't you take me back to your place, and you can... tell me to bend over and think of  Christmas.
Anal's expression suddenly turns to terror.
Anal: Christmas?   CHRISTMAS??????????
He gets up and runs away in tears.
Anna: What did I say?

Back in Iwol's office...
Lore: Dammit I didn't smash his balls or peck his face!  How would I do that, I don't even have a pecker!
Iwol snickers.
Lore: SHUT UP!
The comm chimes.
Booke: Captain... I'm awake, and I have much to tell you.
Iwol and Data look at each other. Dramatic music plays.

We see a dank and dreary bar.  Everyone looks depressed.  Iwol enters and walks to the bar.
Iwol: This is terrible! Bartender! 
Quark appears from behind the bar.
Quark: Yes?
Iwol: A round of Spock Ice for everyone!
Suddenly everyone has a Spock Ice and they're all happy.  Loud rock music plays.
Intrepid appears, grabs Iwol, and starts making out with him.


Anal lays on a couch in Butthead's office.
Butthead: So, you have a horrible Christmas memory?
Anal: Yes, it has haunted me for years.  I need to get over it.
Butthead: Well, we can either go through years of counseling and get you over it, or we can use a dangerous and dramatic cow technique which will most likely instantly cure it.
Anal: By all means, the cow technique.  I have sex riding on this.
Butthead nods.  She walks over to him and slaps her tongue on the side of his face.
Butthead: snort snort....
We fade away to a distant memory.   We see a very young anal in his bed.  His Mother Semon is in the background, Anal is sticking his butt in the air.
Anal: Take my temperature, mommy!
A noise is heard and Anal's dad, Rodger comes in.  He is carrying a small Christmas tree and seems to be very intoxicated.
Rodger: Merry Christmas!
Semon: Honey, Anal is sick, could you take his temperature for me?
Rodger: Sure!  
He picks up the thermometer while still holding the tree.
Rodger: How does this thing work?
Semon: Just jam it in there.
In his intoxicated state, Rodger stumbles over to Anal.  We see him thrust the tree down towards anal.  Anal screams.
Semon: OH MY GOD!!!!

Anal awakes from the tongue meld in a cold sweat.
Anal: My god....  I was violated with a tree!  But...I feel ok.   Butthead I'm cured!  Thank you!
Butthead: That's my job.

Meanwhile in infirmary..
Iwol and Data are standing over Booke.
Iwol: What happened?
Booke: Well I came back to my quarters and found that... that bird had smashed my collection of Microsoft CDs.
Data: Tux?
Booke: Yes.... that bird.  So anyway, I called Korn to report the crime.  He wasn't being very helpful, I'm pretty sure he was drunk.
Iwol: Well that's actually a good thing...
Booke: Well.. I know.  Anyway I suddenly saw the bird under my bed and I screamed.  Then Korn stabbed me for some reason.
Iwol: Yes... it's a warrior's reaction apparently.
Booke: Well, he left me there!  Anyway I had enough energy still to grab the bird and strangle the life out of him!
Iwol: Oh I see where this is going.
Booke: Yes, your holographic love doll materialized behind me.  I turned around and she kicked me in the testicles.  I passed out at that point.
Iwol: First off, she's a vital crew member and I suggest you get used to it.  Second, I can't really blame them.  We have strict rules against Microsoft products on my ship.
Booke frowns.
Data: But, sir that doesn't explain everything.
Iwol: Sure it does, the penguin left the pecking marks...
Data: Clearly, but Booke wasn't found in his quarters.
Iwol: what? 
Data: they found him outside the Intrepid's airlock where he was found quickly.  If not for that, he likely would have died.
Iwol: More interviews...
Data: I'm afraid so, sir.
Iwol: Damn...
Iwol and Data leave the Infirmary, at the same time Anna walks in.
Anna: Excuse me, have you seen Steve?
Booke: Steve?
Anna: Yes, you know... your doctor?
Booke: I don't know a Steve.  Our doctor's name is Anal.
Anna: strange...

Meanwhile in Iwol's office.
Intrepid: Yes, sir.  He was hurting tux!
Iwol: Well, I suppose we can put this one up to defending a shipmate. 
Data: So, then you moved him?
Intrepid: well... no
Iwol: You left him to die.
Intrepid; He hurt my penguin!
Iwol: Again, I know I should have a problem with it but I just don't
Data: But then how....
Iwol: Get Lore back in here..
Data: He won't like it.
Iwol: It's the only explanation left.
Data: Lore..... saved Booke?
Iwol: I know... I know.

Back at the Infirmary...
Anal enters in a very happy mood.
Anal: Booke, have you seen a woman?
Booke: Why yes, I've seen quite a few in my days..
Anal: No, you Melvin!  I meant did you see a really hot one just recently.
Booke; OH yes,  she was looking for you.  She thought your name was Steve.
Anal frowns.
Anal: What?
Booke: Yeah she thought you were Steve.  I set her straight though.
Anal runs out of the Infirmary and out into the Promenade.   He finds Anna looking out of a window.  She turns to face him.
Anna: Your real name... is Anal.
Anal: NO!  No!  I'm..... *sigh*  it's AH-nel.  my name is Ahnel.
Anna: Right... that's what I said. Anal.
Anal: *sigh*
Anna: I'm sorry.... I'm just too grossed out.
She walks away.  Anal's face turns red and he starts twitching.

Back in Iwol's office...
Lore: Dammit, Captain.  I told you I didn't kill him!  I kill everyone, I know but not this time!  I always make sure they die, he lived!
Iwol: We know, Lore.
Lore: that's horse cra.... er.. you do?
Data: Yes.
Iwol: You rescued him, didn't you Lore.
Lore: NO!  NEVER!
Data: Lore....
Lore looks extremely embarrassed.
Lore: Ok.... ok.    I was going to kill him.   I entered his quarters with a meat tenderizer but found him unconscious and bleeding to death.
Iwol: And you moved him?
Lore: *sigh* yes.   I didn't want to miss out on slowly beating him to death in a slow painful orgy of blood.
Iwol: I see.
Lore: So.... I drug him outside the airlock where he would be found so I could kill him later.
Data: Well, that wraps that up.
Iwol: Indeed.  
Iwol takes a swig of Spock Ice.
The comm beeps.
Korn: Captain!  You must come to the Promenade!  It's wonderful!
Iwol: What?
Korn: Just come here!  For HONOR!
Iwol: Ok... ok...
They all leave his office..

A minute later...
Iwol, Data, and Lore step off the lift and onto the promenade.   They immediately feel a chill- it is very cold and snow is falling.
Iwol: what the...
They see a crowd ahead and approach it, pushing their way through.  When they see what everyone is looking at they are stunned.
Booke is laying flat on his stomach with a large Christmas tree protruding from his rectum.
Booke: owie
Lore grins.
Lore: It's a Christmas miracle!
Suddenly they hear commotion from the upper level, Anal is running through the crowds naked, throwing out Christmas wreaths to everyone.
Lore: Ho ho ho!
Data: I can round up suspects...
Iwol: Oh please, no.   I need a drink.
They step over Booke and head to Quark's for a drink.

THE (rear) END!

Anal: Merry Christmas!!!