First Officer's log: Stardate.....
*sigh* the end. The Intrepid is still orbiting the
planet Khitomer while Captain Nacheaf and his wife, Admiral
Nacheaf continue this diplomatic mission to the Klingons.
25 years ago, this ship was the first on the scene to the Khitomer
Massacre so we apparently have to come here, wear dress
uniforms, and participate in a bunch of diplomatic
grabass. They say this is a fitting last mission for this
ship before she is decommissioned. The Excelsior class is
called obsolete in comparison to the new Nebula and Galaxy class
vessels. Maybe they're right... They also say that the
Intrepid is too old to keep going. Personally I think
they're only retiring her as an excuse to give the name to the
new starship that's being built. Bio-packs for computers,
big folding warp nacelles. Garbage!
*Iwol takes a shot
of something- presumably whiskey and
shatters the glass against the wall.
Iwol: but.... who am I to stand
in the way of progress..
* the door chimes
Iwol: it's unlocked
*A man wearing a red uniform and
commander insignia enters the room.
Billy: Hi, I'm Commander William
Iwol: Ah yes, you're
to be my first officer on the Vico.
Billy: Yes, I'm looking
forward to serving with you
sir. I've heard you're an excellent commander...
Iwol: Yeah, well I doubt
we'll be having very exciting
missions on an Oberth class science ship. I'll be checking
to see if we're still in orbit of the planet every 5 minutes and you'll
solve arguments between a bunch of squabbling scientists over who
gets to use the sensor array next. Wild stuff !
Billy: I know, but a
command is a command...
Iwol: I tried to stay
here. Unfortunately, they decided to
decommission the ship out from under me.
Billy: I noticed you are still
wearing commander insignia.... I thought
Iwol: According to Starfleet
Command, I am a Captain now but we haven't
gone through with the ceremony yet. I've never been one to
put much faith in the number of gold dots on someone's uniform
Billy: I think you and I will
get along very well Indeed.
*An alert sounds, the comm beeps
Lt. Bora(over comm):
Fleet wide yellow alert! Senior
officers to the bridge!
*Iwol and Billy look at
each other for a moment and exit the room.
The main turbolift doors whoosh
open and Iwol and Billy enter the bridge.
Bora: Sir, Starfleet
Command reports a Borg ship has been sighted in Federation Space
Iwol: An invasion?
Bora: Unclear, sir.
Our orders are to standby for fleet deployment.
Iwol: Have you contacted the
Bora: Lt. Commander Shran
that the Admiral and the Captain have "gone to perform a vulgar
Klingon mating ritual "
Bora: I don't know, sir.
That's what he said.
Iwol: Can you locate them
Bora: Yes, sir.
Iwol: Fine, relay the
coordinates to the transporter room, I'm beaming down.
Bora: Sir, if I may... you might
not want to beam into the same room.
disgusted. Ensign T'Shar turns away from the conn position
with a confused look on her Vulcan brow.
T'Shar: Sir, is it not a breach
of regulations to not answer the ship during an away mission?
Iwol: Yes, it is.
*T'Shar cocks her head to the
T'Shar: Then, sir in
accordance with general order 23b of the Starfleet command
Iwol: Ensign, in
accordance with the real world, She's an Admiral and she will do
whatever she wants. In other words, she's a complete..
Billy: Completely.. uh..
Iwol: Uh, yes... not the
word I was going to use but close enough. Billy, do you
wish to accompany me?
Billy: No goddamn way.
Iwol: dammit, well at
least have Shran meet me outside the uh... structure. And have
Lt. Tiloris start working on a way to punch through the Borg
Nacheaf's Guide to command page 20, paragraph 5.
*The scene changes to a
dark street in an obviously run-down part of town. Klingons walk
up and down the street occasionally challenging each other to
fights. The bright shimmering glow of the transporter beam
is noticed by everyone and Iwol materializes in the middle
of the street. A Klingon woman approaches him.
Klingon Woman: You're not very
attractive... but I would have you. The K'fock is right over
there, if you think you can handle ME.
*Iwol looks a bit worried
Iwol: Uh, ma'am I'm here to
collect some of our officers.
Klingon Woman: Pity, human
blood is very erotic
*Iwol looks more worried, a
figure with antennae steps out of the alley.
Shran: Sir, whatever you do, do
not make eye contact with the women.
*The Klingon Woman punches Iwol
in the stomach, grins as seductively as a Klingon can grin, and walks
Iwol: Thank you... and do you
have any idea what a K'fock is?
Shran: Well it's...erm.. sort of
like a mating ritual.
Iwol: I'm going to regret asking
I'm sure, but how can it possibly be sort of like?
Shran: Well, the whole idea as I
understand it is for the partners to bleed enough to create a sort of
sticky lubricating effect and...
Iwol: Stop. I knew I
shouldn't have asked.
*They approach a large structure
with bright neon lights written in Klingon. Iwol bangs on the
door and a very surly 8' tall Klingon opens the door. He looks at
Iwol, then at Shran and begins laughing hysterically.
Iwol: We are NOT here for
K'focking! We are here to retrieve our Captain and the
A commander is useless without much recreation. Take all the time
off you feel like.
*The Klingon scowls
Klingon: THE K'FOCK MAY NOT BE INTERRUPTED!!
Iwol: Not ever?
Klingon: Not unless one of them dies.. and then the other must finish.
Iwol: Wow.... just... ok never mind. This is official Starfleet
business and I must insist you allow us to contact our officers.
Klingon: You dishonorable To'Pa! This ritual goes beyond du...
Iwol: YOUR PERVERSION CAN'T POSSIBLY BE CALLED HONORABLE!
*The Klingon's eyes grow wide and he punches Iwol, knocking him
backwards a few feet. Sharn pulls out his phaser and fires at the
Klingon. The Klingon roars and moves toward Sharn and after
the second stun beam he falls to the ground with a loud thud.
Shran: One of my ancestors always said looking after you pink skins is
Iwol: It worked didn't it?
Shran: You provoked a huge Klingon on purpose?
Iwol: Yes, so we would be within our rights to defend ourselves... with
Shran: Ah, nice plan.
*They enter the structure. Shran pulls out his tricorder and
scans. He gestures towards a door down the hallway and they
Iwol: Captain? Admiral?
Adm Nacheaf: Commander Chuckup? My husband needs medical
attention... the K'Nife slipped and I cut hi...
Iwol: put on your comm badges.
Adm Nacheaf: Aren't you coming in here?
Iwol: erm.... no... we'll just beam you directly to sickbay.
Adm. Nacheaf: Ok, we're ready...
*Iwol taps his comm badge.
Iwol: Intrepid, beam the Captain and the Admiral directly to sickbay.
Bora(over comm): We have them, sir.
*A slam is heard and the Klingon woman from earlier is seen standing by
Klingon woman: HA! I knew you could not resist the passion of
Iwol: Um, K'Tar, we really were just here to get our commanding
*K'Tar growls seductively and pulls out a K'nife.
*Iwol franticly taps his comm badge.
Iwol: Intrepid, two to beam up............. NOW! Beam us up
*Iwol and Shran disappear in the shimmering transporter beam.
K'Tar: No one leaves K'Tar unsatisfied! Captain, you WILL be mine!
*K'Tar storms out of the K'Fock.
Commander Iwol Chuckup's tactical
guidebook page 2, paragraph 1:
You can usualy talk your way through any situation, but phasers work
*The turbolift doors whoosh open and Iwol steps onto the bridge
followed by Shran.
Iwol: Status report.
Bora: Sir, we've been ordered to join the fleet at Wolf
3-5-9. They know we won't make it before the cube is
arrived but it's hoped that a delaying action can be fought until
Iwol: Are all crew members present and accounted for?
*Billy checks a status monitor.
Billy: Aye, sir.
Iwol: Ensign: plot a course, maximum warp.
T'Shar: Aye, sir.
ETA: 11 hours, 23 minutes, 14 seconds.
*The turbolift doors whoosh open
and a trill steps onto the bridge.
Lt. Tiloris: Commander, I have an idea to stop the Borg.
Iwol: I thought you might, let's have it.
Tiloris: Well, sir in the past we've been able to beam onto the Borg
ship and be ignored. Why not just rig up an antimatter bomb
and beam that over?
Iwol: I like it. Ok, report to engineering and have Conner
help you construct it.
Tiloris: Aye, sir.
*The comm beeps.
Dr. Jenkins(over comm): Commander, the Nacheafs have been treated
and want you to come down. Oh and thank you for beaming that
horrible perversion into my sickbay. I'll remember that on your
Iwol: Great... I'll be right there.
*Later in engineering... Tiloris and Conner are working on a
device inside a suitcase.
Conner: I dinna know why we're doing this, las.
Tiloris: It's simple, our weapons can't penetrate the Borg shields so...
Conner : Na, I understand that. But ye know Capn Nacheaf won't
have the balls to get that close, and that wife of his thinks she's too
important to risk her life.
Tiloris: Maybe, but we need to be ready anyway. Never know,
maybe we'll get lucky and they'll take each other out of commission
again so Iwol can take over.
*Cut to Iwol's quarters. Iwol picks up a hockey puck sitting on
his desk and throws it across the room, shattering a mirror. The
Iwol: Come in!
Billy: Is this a bad time, sir?
Iwol: That ASSHOLE! Captain Nacheaf doesn't want to put the ship
in any situation where we might get into a confrontation with the
...... my god we're talking about the possible assimilation of
Billy: So I take it the antimatter bomb plan is scrapped.
Iwol: Oops... I forgot to mention it.
*Iwol grins. The comm chimes.
Bora(over comm): Commander Chuckup, please report to the bridge.
*They give each other a look.
Billy: The Borg...
*Iwol and Billy step off the turbolift.
Capt. Nacheaf: Ahh, it's about time. We just received word.
The fleet at Wolf 3-5-9 was destroyed 6 hours ago.
Iwol: What? There were over 30 ships...
Adm. Nacheaf: Yes, all destroyed. We may have to consider
Earth a loss.
Billy: A WHAT?
Capt Nacheaf: The Enterprise is still in pursuit of the
cube. They are the only ship that has any chance of
intercepting it before it makes it to Earth. It is almost
certain they are going to fail.
Tiloris: Sir, there is a possibility- we might be able to get there in
Tiloris: T'Shar and I have been going over some of
Spock's research on time travel. There is an equation
involving a slingshot maneuver around a star that could....
Adm. Nacheaf: No.
Capt. Nacheaf: We can't risk this ship on a theory. You know that.
Iwol: But.... EARTH!
Adm. Nacheaf: Maybe you should take a break, commander. I think
you seem a bit overstressed and over worked.
Iwol: I think that I have sworn an oath to defend...
Adm. Nacheaf: You swore an oath to obey your superiors as well!
Bora: Incoming transmission........ the Enterprise
has destroyed the Borg ship!
Adm Nacheaf: What? How.
Bora: They managed to tap into the collective and plant an order
to regenerate. The ship self-destructed.
Iwol: Well, it seems that a single ship can make a difference after all.
*The Nacheafs both give Iwol a stern look.
Bora: Sir, I'm getting another transmission. A second
Borg ship has been spotted by one of our listening points along the
Neutral Zone... headed for Earth.
Iwol: Helm, plot intercept course....
Capt. Nacheaf: Belay that!
Capt. Nacheaf: One obsolete starship will not be able to do
anything. We must form a battle group.
Iwol: But can we...
Capt. Nacheaf: The Admiral and I are going to get some
rest. Set a course for Risa, commander.
*The Nacheafs step onto the turbolift, Iwol's hand goes to his phaser
as he trembles with anger. The turbolift doors whoosh closed.
Shran: My god... the Federation is on the brink of destruction and
those two...... perverts want to go on vacation!
Bora: So what? Should we relieve the captain?
Iwol: Her wife IS Starfleet command. I'm sure that will go over
Shran: There must be SOMETHING we can do within the bounds of protocol.
*Iwol pauses and thinks for a moment.
Iwol: Yes..... we can obey our orders. Ensign, set a
course for Risa. Warp 1.
*T'Shar turns around and cocks her head.
T'Shar: Warp 1 sir? At that speed we will not reach Risa for 2
years, 1 month, 14 days, 3 hours....
Iwol: You heard the order, Ensign.
T'Shar: Aye sir.
Shran: I think you have something up your sleeve, pink skin.
Tiloris: We're all with you, sir.
Iwol: Only obeying orders, Lieutenant. Only obeying
orders. Speaking of which, is the antimatter bomb ready?
Tiloris: Almost, Conner and I were going to do a few
modifications to increase the transmitter range.
Iwol: Well get on it. I want that thing ready to go at a
moment's notice. Bora, I want you to monitor the emergency
frequencies. There may be ships near the Borg making distress
calls. We have an obligation to render aid under General Order 3.
Billy: I'll be damned.
Iwol: Only following orders...
Iwol Chuckup's guide to good command descisions, page 31 paragraph 4.
Some see regulations as a
binding chain. However if you bend that chain a bit you may
find it forms a useful tool.
*a few minutes later on the bridge....
Bora: Sir, I'm receiving a distress call from a Lesepian cargo ship in
the Castela system. They say the Borg are bearing down on
their location and they will not be able to escape the area on time.
Iwol: T'Shar , set course for the Castela system, maximum
*The Intrepid turns around, it's warp nacelles grow brightly and the
ship disappears in a blur of light.
T'Shar: ETA: 15 minutes, 13 seconds.
*Iwol taps the comm button.
Conner(over comm): Conner here, lad.
Iwol: How is that bomb coming?
Conner: Almost ready sir. Tiloris is calibrating the
subspace receiver and creating a detonation code.
Iwol: We're going to need it in 15 minutes.
Conner: Aye, lad. We'll give ye an explosion.
Iwol: On the Borg ship, Mr Conner. On the Borg ship..
*Meanwhile in the observation lounge... Captain Nacheaf is laying on
conference table, Admiral Nacheaf is on top of him.
Capt. Nacheaf: I think we just changed course...
Adm Nacheaf: Yes, baby.... Iwol is probably trying to disobey us.
Capt. Nacheaf: That miserable.... I'm sending him to the brig.
Adm. Nacheaf: Oooh..I love it when you get all authoritative, but we
still have a good 15 minutes before we get near the Borg.
*Capt Nacheaf smiles and.........
(trust me, you're better off)
*14 minutes later on the bridge......
*Iwol's comm badge beeps.
Tiloris: Sir, I'm sorry... the Nacheafs ran into us on the way to the
transporter room and..
Iwol: Oh no..
*The turbolift doors whoosh open. The Nacheafs storm onto
the bridge, Captain Nacheaf is holding the bomb.
Adm Nacheaf: Commander Chuckup, you have disobeyed a direct order and
put the ship at risk..
Iwol: On the contrary Admiral. We are responding to a distress
Capt Nacheaf: And THIS?
*he holds up the bomb.
Iwol: I was only insuring that we had a plan to defend the ship
in case of a confrontation. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing?
Capt Nacheaf: Well.... I suppose you didn't directly disobey anything.
Adm. Nacheaf: What? Don't let him get away with this!
Capt Nacheaf: Honey, please let me run my own ship.
Adm. Nacheaf: I am YOUR commanding officer remember?
Capt Nacheaf: But this is MY command.
Shran: I'm detecting a Borg cube on an intercept
course! They will be in weapons range in 20 seconds!
Adm. Nacheaf: Oh so this is some masculine thing! You think
because you're a man you get to dominate everything!
Capt. Nacheaf: Of course not! I deeply respect you...
Iwol: Sirs..... the Borg!
Adm. Nacheaf: Then why don't you listen to me?
Capt Nacheaf: You know I listen to you.
Iwol: Hello.... imminent doom coming our way at warp 9!
*Adm. Nacheaf beings crying, Capt Nacheaf starts trying to comfort
Iwol: For the love of.... Red alert! Shields
up, divert warp power to the phasers!
*There is a hard jolt and everyone falls to the floor. The ship
continues to shake violently as Shran gets up and reads his
Shran: Borg ship has locked on with a tractor beam!
Iwol: Full reverse! Lock phasers onto.......
*The turbolift opens and Tiloris steps onto the bridge. As
she walks towards the science station there is a jolt and an
explosion. Tiloris falls to the floor with a piece of shrapnel in
Bora: Oh my god........ They've killed Tiloris!
Iwol: You bastards!
Adm. Nacheaf: It's just that..... you're so important..
Capt. Nacheaf: Yes honey, you're important to me too...
*Several Borg materialize on the bridge, Shran fires and kills
one. Billy begins struggling with another.
Adm. Nacheaf: Honey, you are VERY important. You are perhaps the
federation's greatest asset!
*One of the drones hears this and walks towards Capt Nacheaf. he
grabs him by the neck and Capt Nacheaf and the Borg disappear.
Billy: Sir, the bomb!
Shran: I'm reading it..... it's on the Borg ship!
Adm Nacheaf:: what??
Iwol: Detonate! NOW!
*Shran taps some buttons, they all look at the viewscreen as an
explosion blows off a large chunk of the Borg ship.
Iwol: Damage report!
T'Shar: We've lost warp and impulse engines.
Shran: Phasers are down.
Shran: Locked and loaded, sir.
Iwol: Destroy that ship! I want it atomized... don't leave
any pieces large enough for them to regenerate!
Shran: Aye sir, preparing double-spread maximum yield.
*Several bright orbs fly from the Intrepid's forward torpedo tubes,
each finds it's way to a different spot on the cube. There is a huge
flash of blinding light and then the cube is gone.
*Everyone on the bridge is silent. Admiral Nacheaf is
crying and mumbling to herself. She suddenly looks up.
Adm. Nacheaf: Escort... that that.... devil to the brig!
Shran: Who, sir?
Adm Nacheaf: Commander Chuckup, you blue skinned freak! I want
him arrested, I want him court-marshaled! I want him DEAD!
*The Intrepid's surviving bridge crew stand staring at the
Admiral. The turbolift doors open and Dr. Jenkins enters the
bridge. A pair of Cardassian voles crawl out from under a floor
panel and begin dragging away Tiloris. Dr Jenkins chases them.
Adm Nacheaf: I am assuming command of this vessel! You will
escort commander Chuckup to the brig. I want an away team
beamed over to the Borg ship to retrieve my husband!
T'Shar: Admiral, the Borg ship has been completely destroyed.
*Dr. Jenkins has caught up with the voles and is now in a tug of war
with them to retrieve Tiloris's body.
Adm Nacheaf: It is not! I am ordering the Borg ship not
Adm Nacheaf: I am the ADMIRAL! You do what I say! The Borg
ship is no longer destroyed. My husband is alive and waiting for
Bora: Maybe everyone should calm down
Dr. Jenkins: A little help here?
Adm Nacheaf: Don't tell me what do do! I'm the Admiral!
Un-destroy the Borg! NOW! NOW!!
*Dr Jenkins manages to get Tiloris's body wrapped around an empty chair
and pulls out a laser scalpel.
Adm Nacheaf: It will be alright, honey.... I'm ordering you alive....
we'll go to Risa together. It's all okay.....
Iwol: Shran, take her to sickbay....
*Dr. Jenkins pulls the Tiloris symbiote out of the dead body and taps
his comm badge. He is beamed away.
Iwol Chuckup's Tactical Guide: page 7, paragraph 2
Sometimes when you truly defeat someone they go insane. However,
after this point they become a wounded animal. Use caution
*Later, on Khitomer just outside the Krap fertilizer factory...
*A man is standing in the shadows wearing a cloak. His identity
is concealed. He is speaking with K'Tar.
Man: What you ask... is not easy.
* A bird of prey flys over the factory. It stops for a moment,
doors open and a large number of bodies are pushed out and into a
K'Tar: I do not care! I want him! He will suffer greatly...
and I shall marry him!
*The bird of prey closes it's cargo doors and flies away.
Man: There is a possibility, I have recently heard an Admiral has gone
insane and wishes to kill Iwol. If we arrange to have her
released and restored to power, we may be able to get Iwol in a
position where we can easily abduct him.
*Another bird of prey flys over the factory, opens it's cargo doors,
and drops bodies into the hopper.
K'Tar: Yes... I have many painful positions for him! I will
assemble a strike fleet! Have him ready for me.
*The bird of prey flies off, the camera pans over to show Klingon
ships lined up for miles waiting to dump their cargo...
* The bridge crew are all in the observation lounge, keeping a wide
berth from the conference table. Shran passes out shot glasses of
Shran: To the salvation of the Federation!
*They all take a drink.
Conner: Well. lads I need to get back to engineering. Still a lot
of repairs to finish..
Bora: They're decommissioning this ship.
Conner: And I will nae leave her in bad shape!
Iwol: Besides, I'm going to try to have that decision changed in light
of the recent losses we've had.
*Conner steps of the bridge. The comm chimes.
Some unknown crewman: Sir, incoming subspace message from Admiral Paris.
Iwol: In my quarters.
*Iwol steps out of the room.
Shran: I hope he gets to keep this ship. He doesn't belong
on some... backwater science vessel charting gas clouds.
Billy: You hope? I'm the one joining him on that backwater
T'Shar: Several of you are on duty. It is a violation of
Starfleet regulations to consume intoxicating beverages while...
Dr. Jenkins: Stick it up your pie-hole you green blooded kill-joy!
T'Shar: There is no need for insults, doctor. I am merely
Dr. Jenkins: Logic? We just defeated the biggest threat Starfleet
has ever known while getting rid of TWO incompetent commanding officers
all in a few hours. Don't we logically deserve a bit of a break?
*Iwol enters his quarters and hits a button on his console.
Admiral Paris appears on the screen.
Adm Paris: I just read your report, commander. Did Nacheaf really
flip out and start ordering you to change space and time?
Iwol: Yes, something like that sir.
Adm Paris: When you arrive here at Earth there is going to be a hearing
but based on what I've seen it will only be a formality. Nothing
to worry about.
Iwol: Sir, about my request...
Adm Paris: Yes...... that is another matter.
Iwol: Sir, we just lost an entire fleet. Surely we need every
operational starship we can get.
Adm Paris: I tend to agree with you but given recent events there is a
real conflict of interest. I might be able to swing it sometime
after the hearing. In the meantime, since you're already
promoted on paper I'm officially promoting you to Captain with all the
privileges and responsibilities of that rank.
Iwol: Thank you sir.
Adm Paris: I'm also officially assigning you as Captain of the
Intrepid. Just in case Nacheaf makes any more orders you'll be
able to counter her on slightly firmer ground.
*Iwol looks down and sighs.
Adm Paris: Something wrong with that, Captain?
Iwol: No, sir. It's what I've wanted for years now. It's
just that.... I may only have it for the day.
Adm Paris: Understood. Paris out.
*Iwol steps back into the observation lounge. Bora stumbles
towards him giggling and grabs onto him.
Bora: Well hello there handsome. There's an extra collar on your
Iwol: Um, yes... I've been promoted officially. Until we reach
Earth, I am captain of the Intrepid.
Shran: Well, it is about time, sir...... wait for a day?
What is that?
Dr. Jenkins: It can't be over! My god, man we have so much more
Iwol: I know, but...
T'Shar: It does not seem logical to end the service of this Ship and
Iwol: Yes, of course. You are my first officer. We
may only be here together or another day.
*Iwol pours more drinks and fills his own glass. He lifts it high.
Iwol: Here's to the finest crew in the fleet!
*Meanwhile in the brig... Admiral Nachaf sits huddled in the corner
rocking back and forth.
Adm. Nacheaf: I will bring you back honey..... I will bring you back
and everything will be fine again... but first.. must
avenge. Must see justice done... must..KILL IWOL CHUCKUP!!!!
*Adm Nacheaf jumps up and leaps forward... she runs into the forcefield
and is knocked to the floor unconscious.